Lost
I lost a friend today
I didn't really care
It didn't really matter
I might've cared if
He didn't act the way he did.
I was chatting online today
When his name appeared
I called him here and we began to chat
Just like old buds do
When all of a sudden he typed something
I felt uncomfortable.
He typed me a question
Asking for a picture
I know my parents would say no
I knew the rule and I told him so
But he didn't care, he just wanted the photo
Even though he was my friend
And I didn't want to give him up
What he did and what he said
Just pushed me towards the end
Summoned me to drop him
I told him NO NO NO NO NO!!!
Do you think he listened?
Read five last words above.
It ended
We were no longer friends.
He deleted me from his computer
I deleted him from my life but
Both of us didn't care.
Now that it's said and done
I have time to reflect
And truly see what I’d truly
Lost.
(It has been 2 years since I wrote this... it is very old and I am very sad remembering this...)
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,464 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
This is great Liz i really like this poem.
PS How many Poems you write, for i'm going to kill myself if i keep staring at this damn computer screen, or die of square eyes if that possible.
Wow, the last line were awesome. And the way you closed it, with "Lost" was a really good idea. It was very enjoyable, and has a lot of potential, because so many people can relate on the issue. Ugh...I don't think I can do much reviewing due to that Fire and Writersdomain butchered it already (and contrary to what SOME people might think, thats a very good thing, and they did very good reviews).
I lost a friend today ----------------------> to make this more dramatic, seperate it from the stanza, on it's own, and put a full stop.
Of course I didn't really care
It didn't really matter
It didn't seem so big ---------------> the repetition here makes it seem so basic and immature. I'd like to see some variety of language.
It probably would've been if
He hadn't done what he'd done. --------------> I think this should be re-worded, it's clumsy.
I was chatting online today ------------------> Staru a new stanza here.
When his name appeared
I called him here and we began to chat
Just like old buds do
When all of a sudden he typed something
And I felt uncomfortable. -------------------> remove the "And"
He typed me a question
Asking for a picture
I know my parents would say no
I knew the rule and I told him so
He didn't care he just wanted a picture. ------> poor line, this needs some re-wording.
Even though he was my friend ------------> I'd start another stanza here.
And I didn't want to give him up
What he did and what he said
Just pushed me towards the end
Summoned me to end this all. ----------> use a different word than 'end', you used it in the previous line.
I told him NO NO NO NO NO!!!
Do you think he listened?
Read five last words above.
It ended and we were no longer
Friends. -------------------------------> this is silly on it's own.
He deleted me from his computer
I deleted him from my life but
Both of us didn't care. ---------------------------> these three lines were great!
Now that it's said and done
I have time to reflect
And truly see what I’d truly
Lost.
Generally okay, except I think you should find a thesaurus and change some of your repeated words. I can feel your emotion, but it could be much more powerful and truly passionate with better lexis.
I think this really has the potential to be good and I did like it... a lot, but it could use some work
Ok, your first line was GREAT really nice. The second line kind of took away from the first. Perhaps, "At first, I really didn't care," would be better. Also, you used 'it' a lot and it got a little old, taking away from the meaning.
This seemed more like a story and could be more figurative and interesting, but it got the point through. I liked how you broke 'friends' from the rest of the poem
I really liked your comparison about deleting. It was really neat. I loved your ending and how you ended it with the first word. Over all, that was really good though it could use some work. Nice.