I wrote this last year a while back... Around this time of year, right before my birthday or so... I took the comments I recieved into consideration and this is what I came up with. Enjoy everybody. (You can read old comments, I'll post the link here sometime)
-Elizabeth
[[[November 2004 Version]]]
ANGER
Crying blood forget
Painful joy
Anger
Bleed till desire
Shadowing my face from reality
Take a knife
STAB STAB STAB
You backstabber!
Bleed until you are sorry!
Sorry you will never be...
So take my heart
And stab till you're content!
NEW EDITED VERSION
Anger
I cry blood from broken emotions
to forget what left I had of that painful joy
Anger rages through my veins
Quicker and more painful than a bullet
I will bleed until desire
Shadowing my face from reality
I come to realize that I'm hiding from myself
More than I was hiding from you and the world
So with a knife you backstabber!
I stab you until you are fearful of me
Until you will commit to me
Bleed until you are sorry!
But you will never be sorry
As soon as my picture faded from your mind
it was replaced in a heart-wrenching instant
It was only painful to me...
So take my heart
And stab until you're content
Until you break free from my grasp
And can finally die away slowly
From my memory.
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139,464 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
If I could take my anger out with the pinata I would use a club with a nail through it *heh*
Nice work! Believe it or not, that poem actually cheered me up.
.... pinata.... lol
Probably, I mean I can only make things better from here....
Unless I magically screw up and make it all worse.
The new version looks much more complete. With Matt's suggestion, are you making a newer version?
I'm not sure, maybe straight after the first one? Makes it sound more intense. And maybe put the second bleed in italics?
Bleed until you are sorry
Bleed until you are sorry!
Thank you...
Hmm, if I were to repeat the BLEED UNTIL YOU ARE SORRY where exactly would I put it? I can't find a place, I am slow in the head... and I am very angry.
Ooh, I really liked this. The best bit was, "Bleed until you are sorry! ... But you will never be sorry" because it seemed really energetic and angry, and then...a little calmer, like, "it's no good, you'll never be sorry anyway..." A little bit of a mood shift, I thought. I think it would be even better if you repeated "Bleed until you are sorry!" somewhere in the poem. So that maybe it's bordering on hysteria. Good work, TBR.