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Young Writers Society



I Die

by Chevy


I dodge lightening bolts
In a raging storm.
I'm searching for shelter,
For all around me is darkness.
I'm running in a direction,
One I can't identify.
I'm screaming for help.
But no one seems to hear.
The rain pours down harder,
The wind beats upon my chest,
Thunder crackles in the distance.

Lightening strikes again violently,
I fall flat on the ground.
There's no one near to offer a hand.

Muddy water absorbs my clothing.
Dirt is caked upon my face.
I'm wet and also wombded,
My body aches and is numb.

I then close my eyes,
I decide to give up.
And now, finally,
I die.


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Wed Apr 20, 2016 6:48 pm
Regretnothing wrote a review...



Hey there I know this was written forever ago but I like seeing some of the older stuff on here too... haha. Anyways you did a good job. I just wanted to say something haha and let you know you did a good job... You know better later than never. I hope things are going good. I'll look for more stuff since I really liked it. Good luck.

*hugs*




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Sun Oct 03, 2010 4:54 am
IgnisandGlacialis wrote a review...



Hey, this was good!
I have one small issue ... In the third verse, is the word 'wombded' supposed to be 'wounded'? Just asking :P
P.S - Yes, I do know this was written in 2004, but I like reviewing anyway.
Cheers,
Ignis (:




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Wed Sep 29, 2010 9:41 pm
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Nate wrote a review...



All of you do realize that this poem was posted in 2004?

By the way, if you're interested in more of Chevy's work, check out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O7uHgWRbZ8

It was a big hit in Macedonia.




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Wed Sep 29, 2010 9:29 pm
JustisMarez wrote a review...



Hmm...I liked this poem. It strikes my interest. The way its writen and the rhythem - as everyone above my post has already said. This is how I feel sometimes minus the dying part lol. But I'm not sure if I understand...did the person get struck by lightning? Or...? Besides that, yeah I liked it! Good job!

- Justis




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Wed Sep 29, 2010 1:07 pm
Button wrote a review...



Nice piece- love the rhythm.
Only part I had a question about what "wombded". Was that supposed to be "wounded"?

Other than that, very nicely done. Love the unique beat and the vivid descriptions. Really reminds me of something I wrote a while ago, except much better, haha. Nicely done.

-Coral-




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Wed Sep 29, 2010 12:38 pm
KatTrain wrote a review...



Chevy wrote:I dodge lightening bolts[color=#FF0000 ],
In a raging storm.
I'm searching for shelter,
For all around me is darkness.#FF0000 ">I would dress this line up with a bit more imagery/sophisticated words
I'm running in a direction,
One I can't identify.#FF0000 ">I like this line
I'm screaming for help.
But no one seems to hear.
The rain pours down harder,
The wind beats upon my chest,
Thunder crackles in the distance.

Lightening strikes again violently,
I fall flat on the ground.
There's no one near to offer a hand.

Muddy water absorbs my clothing.#FF0000 ">I like this line
Dirt is caked upon my face.
I'm wet and also wombded,
My body aches and is numb.

I then close my eyes,
I decide to give up.
And now, finally,#FF0000 ">the ending is unsatisfying
I die.
[/color]


MY overall opinion is, that you should use more intriguing word choice and not make the lines so blunt.




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Wed Sep 29, 2010 5:56 am
Jashael wrote a review...



Chevy wrote:I dodge lightening bolts
In a raging storm.
I'm searching for shelter,
For all around me is darkness.
I'm running in a direction,
One I can't identify.
I'm screaming for help.
But no one seems to hear.
The rain pours down harder,
The wind beats upon my chest,
Thunder crackles in the distance.

Lightening strikes again violently,
I fall flat on the ground.
There's no one near to offer a hand.

Muddy water absorbs my clothing.
Dirt is caked upon my face.
I'm wet and also wombded,
My body aches and is numb.

I then close my eyes,
I decide to give up.
And now, finally,
I die.


Ouch. This reminded me that I am in the Lyric Poem Forum. Depressing really. :| I don't know what to say...

But about the poem, I felt like I was reading an excerpt from the novel, not a poem. I don't know. I guess the imagery you used doesn't suit a poem. Really felt more of a novel excerpt--or a bit of narrative poetry.




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Sun Sep 26, 2010 3:04 pm
MilkNCookies says...



I like the poem, rythem=- everything they said before. Nice job!




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Sun Dec 05, 2004 12:45 am
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Elelel says...



Oh, I know that mood... I like it!

Although
"Muddy water absorbs my clothing."
Should probably be:
"My clothing absorbs muddy water."




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Sun Dec 05, 2004 12:16 am
electricbluemonkey says...



Ohh....hmm....so basically you feel that nobody is around to help you or something, that you are all alone?

You stated that in the poem, when you said in one part, "No ones around to lend a hand", or something, it might be a little bit off.

Well, anyway, I liked it. Good, unique rhyming and flowed well.




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Sat Dec 04, 2004 5:51 am
Chevy says...



i dont know the point. its just what i feel inside




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Sat Dec 04, 2004 2:16 am
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electricbluemonkey wrote a review...



Yeah great...although:

Hmm....the poem has an unique rhyming system and is very good, but...I don't know, the last part that says I die, kind of strikes me. I know that is what the poem is about and I like it but, I just want to know, what is the point? I am not saying that in a bad way, I am just asking. NOT IN A BAD WAY, REMEMBER THAT!




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Sat Nov 27, 2004 10:43 pm
Norrin says...



great poem, it sorta has a unique rythem to it





The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitudes.
— Viktor Frankl