Young Writers Society

Wow.

*locked*

Look at the date before posting on old threads!

You've got some good advice here. All I can say is that it seems to me you're bouncing around a little. It made it confusing and difficult to follow your train of thought. Maybe you could be a little more specific about where you are, your surroundings, stuff like that. It could make what you're describing a little more real. And isn't that what we're trying for? --to convince the reader that this stuff actually happened.

I think it would be stronger if you made it in the present rather than in the past. I'm not sure how well that would work though. Like the others said, play around with it a bit and try new things. As my Creative Writing teacher said once, how do you know this is your best if you haven't rewritten it multiple times?

The best way I can see you improving this is by going back to the old adage "show it don't tell it." Especially in the first stanza, it seems too wordy to me although I really like your first line. The second stanza is brilliant it reads very well; I like your images and it flows nicely. However in the third fourth and fifth stanza's the poem seems to get awkward again. Some lines like "but its late to get you back." are clumsy and need to be re-jigged a little. I think maybe the line "I have spoken now and I wonder if you are listening" could be broken into two and you could remove the "and" which to me would make it flow better. Hope my comments are helpful

"I watched her hit you without swinging,
It was so powerful I saw it in your face."

Nice opening line, but the second line needs some definite revisions. Don't use "so" as an adjective for how powerful or anything something is, it comes off as an immature accolade. I suggest you revise the sentence to read...

I watched her hit you without swinging,
And I saw it in your face.

"The tears did not show, but I know you had to feel them in your heart—
You had to, because I felt them in mine."

The rhythm here is very awkward, almost like a sentence. If that's what you're going for, good job. Otherwise, get rid of someof the words in this, or break it out for us. There's not a good example I can give, mostly because the words above are pretty much all necessary to get the meaning across, so you need to look over this and see if you can convey this message elsewhere.

That day you were stronger than what she said you were;
I was on the sideline as your witness.

You don't need "I was...witness." You're interjecting yourself into someone else's relationship here a little too much. It's better to leave it at the first line, because that way we don't begin to question the narrator for being a stalker.

"Rain fell and we let it hit our faces.
Drowning our bodies in chilling water."

These two lines are okay. They are redundant, however, and I think they should be combined. For example..

Rain fell and our bodies drown in its chilling water

"Your pain was written on her heart;
She was the finest at making it tough."

This line here doesn't make much sense nor does it flow with the above lines. You went from Them on the Sidewalk to Us in the Rain to Them in Her Heart. Try to stay focused here, add some lines after the rain and make sure your pronoun usage is correct. If it is, perhaps the line about the rain should be moved down to later in the poem. Right now, it's an interjected commentary where commentary isn't needed, plus it doesn't build up to anything in this stanza.

"I’m here now, caked in thick mud.
In my brand new Levi’s,
Which are now a reddish brown."

Where are you? You say, "I'm here now," but this doesn't make any sense. I don't know where you are, and nobody else will either. Give some kind of prelude into this stanza. In the first line, "caked" is used a little to often for it to give me a good image. Find a better way to describe the mud on your jeans. The second two lines are good.

"As I lean against the smooth stone.
My tears make a river with the rain,
Forming slowly over where you lie.
Broken and torn.
Tormented and distressed.
Angry but strong.
Dead and dismissed."

Tears making a river in the second stanza is an all too common phrase. Attempt to make you original. Even if you can't think of something right now to make this a little more you, you will eventually. The third line is a little awkward too. You state early on that she didn't really hit him, but he's laying on the ground, broken and torn, tormented and distressed, angry but strong, dead and dismissed. I suggest you rearrange the list of what condition he's in while on the ground, putting "Angry but strong." at the end.

"You didn’t have to let her take you.
You could have stood there and consumed the fire.
If you could hace just taken it one more day."

This stanza is unnecessary for the poem. Remove it. Besides, I don't think many people will understand someone consuming a fire.

"I’m here now, caked in thick mud,
In my brand new Levi’s,
Which are now a reddish brown."

Same thing as above. Good use of repetition.

"As I lean against the smooth stone,
That is now your own,
I have spoken now and I wonder if you’re listening,"

The first two lines are okay, the third line doesn't work. "I have spoken" makes you sound like some kind of demigod demanding something. "I demand you erect a statue in honor of my great ego. I have spoken!" I don't know what to do with this line, really, other than get rid of it and try to convey the same message but without so many words. Also, you might want to consider combining the next line with this one and see if it works any better.

"Or even if you care,
I lean against the ground,
Where I imagine your skeleton should lie."

This is too concrete, and doesn't do anything for the reader. "Skeleton" is a weak word to describe someone with. Mostly because it's been used over and over.

"I scream,
And I know you can hear me.
I miss every element of your soul.
All the pieces that made you whole.
But it’s late to get you back."

The third line is terrible. Take out the word "every" and replace it with "the," and change "element" to "elements." Even still, I greatly dislike this line, and because I am not very creative today, I can't help you much. The fifth (last) line, you need a "too" after "it's."

"And besides,
We all know,
She’s still the finest at making it tough.
And it thanks to her you're dead.
And your pain, written in black, forever on her heart."

She's still the finest at making what tough? You're poem says so many things and leaves them unanswered for your reader. Fourth line, "it" should be "it's." I don't quite understand the ending of this poem, either. It's terribly weak. It doesn't match with everything else either. She's supposed to be a cold-hearted bitch. So why would his pain be on her shoulders? It wouldn't. And saying this, I think, would make the poem's ending stronger. It still needs more work, beyond what I've said, and I'm sorry I can't critique worth a flip today, but I'm just really tired, I suppose. Anyway, get some other opinions, and play with it until you like it.