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ten years (very...pathetic...I CAN'T WRITE ANYMORE!!!)

by Chevy


skeletons trapped
in the back of a closet
no one knows
they belong to you

up a narrow staircase
the back corner of a hall.
darkness
also known as
the past.

open the door
exposing every little thing
you thought was
gone
is all resting there...
waiting on you

no one knew a little
fifteen year old girl
could do this much damage
cause this much pain

but she...has.

she glares down into the closet
you know, the one with
the skeletons in it?

fifteen year old murderer...
and no one but her is
keeping score.

now she's proven
innocent

twenty-five and moving on

while behind make-up she's hiding
skeletons that
are still there after
ten years


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Tue Mar 15, 2005 2:58 pm
Chevy says...



thanks again--especially to brad--that really means something to me. maybe i'll write a poem today...




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Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:21 pm
Incandescence wrote a review...



This:

darkness
also known as
the past.

Would be fine as:

darkness
also known
as the past

I think "lame" is a very good word for this poem, although you're grasping the concept of abstraction, which is a definite progression in your writing style, so just keep it up.




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Thu Mar 10, 2005 9:09 pm
PsyLynx says...



yeah, I thought it was kind of lame. . .meh. I just don't think that you had anything with it.




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Tue Mar 08, 2005 5:09 pm
Chevy says...



thanks a lot guys, even though if i could, i would trash this poem. there's so much to be done to it...i don't even know if i feel like it.




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Tue Mar 08, 2005 3:26 am
nickelpickle wrote a review...



hmmm... Let's take a look... First of all, I have read some of your other stuff and this wasn't as good.... I will do a bit of critiquing here...

skeletons trapped
in the back of a closet
no one knows
they belong to you


I actually liked that beginning.... I don't know if you purposely did lowercase letters, but capitals at beginning of sentences would have helped me.

up a narrow staircase
the back corner of a hall.
darkness
also known as
the past.


I think that that stanza should just be four likes... maybe combine also known as the past or darkness also known as

open the door
exposing every little thing
you thought was
gone
is all resting there...
waiting on you


I would say that it is all resting there (no ...)
just waiting on you


no one knew a little
fifteen year old girl
could do this much damage
cause this much pain


Comma after damage

but she...has.


I didn't like the ....

while behind make-up she's hiding
skeletons that
are still there after
ten years


I don't know about the first line, it doesn't make sense... The [poem didn't really flow to me... I got it, but it didn't mean much.... IF I was you, I would write it from first person and add some emotion to it, how you feel. Maybe how you are scared it will all blow up again or something...




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Mon Mar 07, 2005 8:56 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



I agree with Firestarter. This poem isn't your best. I like the idea, but it's not expressed that great.

I still don't get it. I may just be stupid, but what? So...she murdered someone when she was 15, and now she's 25 and confronting her skeletons?

Line breaks were awful throughout the whole poem. Also the choice of stanzas.

now she's proven
innocent

twenty-five and moving on


The last line shouldn't be its own stanza, but more importantly, there's something missing. One second she's proven innocent, the next she's only moving on ten years later? WTF?

Also maybe you could consider adding a lot more punctuation, so it looks more like poetry than incoherant ramblings.

It's in pretty bad shape, but you're really good. I'm sure you can fix it.




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Mon Mar 07, 2005 4:17 pm
Firestarter wrote a review...



I found the enjambement and choice of stanzas a little bad.

darkness
also known as
the past.


The line breaks here were just...not good. Something better might be "haunting darkness/also known as/horrors of a forgotten past." Darkness and the past seem too shot to be lines on their own.

Another point, using ellipsis in poems is so cliche and just looks silly and unpoetic. Remove them.

Generally, it was repetitive, the vocubalary variation was too small, and the last few "stanzas" were just not good enough for your usual work.





There is nothing more radical or counter-cultural, at the moment, than laying down one’s cynicism in favour of tender vulnerability.
— John Green