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Laughter is Softer and I LOATHE this poem

by Chevy


Rain comes harder
as Night grows older
Laughter is softer
as Tears come closer

I'm not to leave the circle
You drew around me in the sand

Laughter is softer
Tears come closer
It is not a joke
When you actually walk away
and only Death can set me free.


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Thu Oct 13, 2005 4:04 am
astrogemini wrote a review...



Chevy wrote:Laughter is softer
Tears come closer


Right here at the beginning of the second part you repeated and that bugs me so much, because your poems tend to be strong and they flow, but this one seemed forced. It threw me off, I know I'm asking alot, but maybe you could change it or omit it all together and have an even shorter poem.
I liked the rest though! A whole lot, if that helps.




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Wed Oct 12, 2005 1:45 pm
Chevy says...



Firestarter wrote:Rhyming seemed forced.

And the funny part is, I didn't even know that I was rhyming...I so did not mean to do that. Whupps...




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Wed Oct 12, 2005 1:10 pm
Firestarter says...



Rhyming seemed forced.

And it didn't make me feel in any way.




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Sun Oct 09, 2005 4:02 pm
zelithon says...



goot!




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Sun Oct 09, 2005 4:00 pm
AstrangedbeaR says...



i didnt really like the middle, felt like it interrupted it for me, apart from that good job.




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Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:41 am
Fireweed says...



i like this alot. its short and sweet, like duskglimmer said, and it has a soft, comforting mood to it. why do you loathe it?




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Thu Sep 29, 2005 11:00 pm
xanthan gum wrote a review...



Well, I, frankly, was let down. It was okay, but reasonably cliche. The whole reference to death freeing people is insanely overused and was never that beautiful to begin with. The circle in the sand was good and I was hoping that you'd build off of that, but you just went straight back to your first stanza. C'mon - you can do better.




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Wed Sep 28, 2005 8:18 pm
Snoink wrote a review...



Eh... I was kind of disappointed. I thought the poem was about an inability to express gentle laughter, thus you hate this poem since you couldn't express yourself fully. But... well... it wasn't quite about it, was it? It sounded just a little cliched to me. Plus, you lose points because the narrator ends up wanting to commit suicide at the end. :P No offense, but yeesh!




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Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:52 pm
Duskglimmer says...



I liked this. Short and sweet. Exactly what it needed to be, in my opinion. And I like the image of the circle in the sand and the other person walking away. Very nicely done.




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Wed Sep 28, 2005 1:31 am
brandenwallace says...



I like the way you worded it. The circle drawn in the sand brought good imagery. kudos




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Wed Sep 28, 2005 12:54 am
SolisCookies wrote a review...



Although you didn't ourtright use cliches, I felt a lot of what you said had been said before too many times in different ways. It was much too abstract and although the imagery was there, it could have been a better poem if you had been more original is sharing your feelings.




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Fri Aug 12, 2005 12:08 am
hekategirl says...



I like this, defintly not your greatest but good. I like the second stanza, it gives a good image and also is a good metaphor.
Nice job.




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Thu Aug 11, 2005 6:22 am
antigone says...



I loved the first two stanzas but I didn't like the last one so much. Not sure why. Maybe the poem would be better if it was longer? Anyway, nice job.




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Thu Aug 11, 2005 5:11 am
Elizabeth says...



When you actually walk away
and only Death can set me free.

Maybe a connection to these two lines. they ring trutheth.




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Thu Aug 11, 2005 4:13 am
Chevy says...



We share sympathies? Huh?




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Thu Aug 11, 2005 3:23 am
Incandescence says...



We share sympathies.





It is only a novel... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language
— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey