Rain comes harder
as Night grows older
Laughter is softer
as Tears come closer
I'm not to leave the circle
You drew around me in the sand
Laughter is softer
Tears come closer
It is not a joke
When you actually walk away
and only Death can set me free.
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141,252 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Right here at the beginning of the second part you repeated and that bugs me so much, because your poems tend to be strong and they flow, but this one seemed forced. It threw me off, I know I'm asking alot, but maybe you could change it or omit it all together and have an even shorter poem.
I liked the rest though! A whole lot, if that helps.
And the funny part is, I didn't even know that I was rhyming...I so did not mean to do that. Whupps...
Rhyming seemed forced.
And it didn't make me feel in any way.
goot!
i didnt really like the middle, felt like it interrupted it for me, apart from that good job.
i like this alot. its short and sweet, like duskglimmer said, and it has a soft, comforting mood to it. why do you loathe it?
Well, I, frankly, was let down. It was okay, but reasonably cliche. The whole reference to death freeing people is insanely overused and was never that beautiful to begin with. The circle in the sand was good and I was hoping that you'd build off of that, but you just went straight back to your first stanza. C'mon - you can do better.
Eh... I was kind of disappointed. I thought the poem was about an inability to express gentle laughter, thus you hate this poem since you couldn't express yourself fully. But... well... it wasn't quite about it, was it? It sounded just a little cliched to me. Plus, you lose points because the narrator ends up wanting to commit suicide at the end.
No offense, but yeesh!
I liked this. Short and sweet. Exactly what it needed to be, in my opinion. And I like the image of the circle in the sand and the other person walking away. Very nicely done.
I like the way you worded it. The circle drawn in the sand brought good imagery. kudos
Although you didn't ourtright use cliches, I felt a lot of what you said had been said before too many times in different ways. It was much too abstract and although the imagery was there, it could have been a better poem if you had been more original is sharing your feelings.
I like this, defintly not your greatest but good. I like the second stanza, it gives a good image and also is a good metaphor.
Nice job.
I loved the first two stanzas but I didn't like the last one so much. Not sure why. Maybe the poem would be better if it was longer? Anyway, nice job.
When you actually walk away
and only Death can set me free.
Maybe a connection to these two lines. they ring trutheth.
We share sympathies? Huh?
We share sympathies.