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Story of a Guitarist

by Chevy


This isn't exactly a short story. More like Chapter One to a very big book. This happens to be the shortest chapter, I think. But it's the first. Anyway, tell me what you think.

The Story of a Guitarist

By Morgan Harper

Chapter One

Thickened dark gloss covered the four twenty-foot walls, and the deepest marble God ever made is mounted to the floor. A large stone, placed just over the threshold, has no intentions for life to enter.

I make a pathway around the stone and walked through the large room. I find a corridor lined with wooden doors whos crystal door knobs glisten in the darkness. Though the thought of opening a door is terrifying and quite daring I open one anyway, only to find another room painted beautifully of Autumn colors who give you no choice to fall, no matter how high you are. My boots creak across the aging floor as I drift from room to room. I enter each room hoping to find the brightness and life thats been locked up for one hundred years. Instead I find one hundred rooms with the same creaking floors and eery feelings. Without intentions, they have cursed Life, bounding her with heavy burdens of Darkness.

"Ma'am?"

I smiled down at the realtor and gave her a check.

"Sold."


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Sat Jun 11, 2022 2:24 pm
saadamansayyed wrote a review...



Hi, hope you're good Morgan.

I was very excited to have found essentially a piece of YWS history. As my knowledge tells me, your story was published a few days under seventeen years ago. That's about four years before I even existed. That giddiness aside, let me get reviewing.

First of all, I sort of agree. The whole opening reads in an awkward and cliched manner, something I associate with this very 2000s era. I think the ambiguity of the premise comes off as forced and it is something I would like improved.

However, mostly, I enjoyed reading it. Another positive would be how easy it is to just breeze through the story - it is easy to digest, so to say.

I really like the descriptiveness of it all, and I feel it really ties the narrative together.

In all, I am definitely enjoying reading this piece.

I hope you are good wherever you are. It has been 12 years since I have seen activity from you, and I speak for all of us when I say we would love to see you back, writing and posting beautifully.




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Sat Jun 11, 2022 1:11 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Thickened dark gloss covered the four twenty-foot walls, and the deepest marble God ever made is mounted to the floor. A large stone, placed just over the threshold, has no intentions for life to enter.


Well that is quite a strong scene to set up there at the very start of this piece here. This is that sort of little touch of description you often tend to see at the very beginning of a first chapter especially to introduce a place that perhaps is going to end up being a bit of a recurring theme for some time in the story and well this one is quite clearly going one way here.

I make a pathway around the stone and walked through the large room. I find a corridor lined with wooden doors whos crystal door knobs glisten in the darkness. Though the thought of opening a door is terrifying and quite daring I open one anyway, only to find another room painted beautifully of Autumn colors who give you no choice to fall, no matter how high you are. My boots creak across the aging floor as I drift from room to room. I enter each room hoping to find the brightness and life thats been locked up for one hundred years. Instead I find one hundred rooms with the same creaking floors and eery feelings. Without intentions, they have cursed Life, bounding her with heavy burdens of Darkness.

"Ma'am?"

I smiled down at the realtor and gave her a check.

"Sold."


This builds on that earlier image nicely here. There's a very unsettling air that you're creating from just the atmosphere of this piece and that blends in really well with this story to create quite the package here to start off with. It definitely gets you in quite the mood as a reader not to mention we're also very intrigued to see what this could all mean. The ending really helps out very nicely in that case and so this despite being really short overall, still feels really complete and has you wanting to no more. Its such a short simple scene that just delivers on what it tries to really well and I think it all makes for a wonderful first chapter.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Jun 25, 2005 6:42 am
Liz wrote a review...



Interesting, but it's hard to comment on such a short beginning. It seems a little unorginal at the moment to me, but I know that could easily change. I don't think it matters what tense you use, past or present, as long as you be consistent. I don't mind the simple "Sold"; often simplicity is the way to go. However, yeah, you wouldn't be handing over a cheque (Aus.) and suddenly have the house. Apart from that, not bad, I look forward to reading the next part.




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Fri Jun 24, 2005 7:10 pm
Duskglimmer wrote a review...



I agree with Carmina. It would work better for me if it just read "I smiled down at the realtor. 'Sold.'"

Besides that, I think it would work better if you switched everything over into the past tense, like that last sentence is. While putting things in the present tense makes it fun to write, and keeps the writer focused on the piece, it often loses the reader and makes it difficult to understand.

But this is a really interesting opening. I'm really curious as to what you have planned for the rest of the story.




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Fri Jun 24, 2005 7:06 pm
Carmina wrote a review...



It is an interesting beginning, but I don't think there is enough here to get a good understanding of your intentions with the story. Something creepy about the house and protagonists wants to buy it. That's about all I get. I think I need to read more in order to have any comment on this as a story. As for what you have, watch your tenses. You switch from past to present. I assume that you have never actually bought a house. You don't just hand over a check. There is a blank-load of paperwork to fill out and sign before writing a check. It the protagonist is only now touring the house, it is unreasonable to assume that the preliminary paperwork has been completed and an amount agreed upon. I would suggest taking out the part about the check and just have the protagonist say "I'll take it" or something else to that effect.





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