z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



A Girl Dies in Boston

by Chevy


He sat on the window sill,
He closed his eyes and cried.
He had never felt so alone before,
Until yesterday when his sister died.

It happened so suddenly,
No one thought her life would end that way,
She had only been sixteen-years-old,
And she'd already seen the last of her days.

He had remembered his last words to her,
They haunted him continuously,
He had said something to here so cruel and cold,
He hadn't really been that friendly.

"You make me wish you were dead, Cara,"
He growled before she walked out the door.
He had wished and wanted his sister to die,
And that Cara, he'd see no more.

And all alone in his room,
He remembered all the good she'd been.
And even though they had argues so much,
She'd actually been his best friend.

Seventeen-years-old and his little sister gone,
Why had that driver been so careless?
Couldn't they have gone down a different street,
Instead of leaving her brother here in lonliness?

Then it came to him and it hit him hard.
He shouldn't have been mean from the start,
Anger was never the answer--but she's still gone,
Even though he decided to change his heart.

So make sure you love no matter the person,
You will never know when the day will come,
When you were the one so cruel and cold,
Then you soon find out that that person is gone.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
48 Reviews

Points: 492
Reviews: 48

Donate
Wed Oct 16, 2019 2:50 am
Lionhero333 wrote a review...



Hello here to review this wonderful, yet tragically sad work of yours. So first of all the things I like, no loved about this was I got a feel of what the narrator was feeling and the deep sadness and anger at himself in it. The whole poem really spreads that out for the person reading this, hope this didn't happen to you, plus the rhymes gave it a flowing touch to it that helped guide the reader through the poem in my opinion that is. Plus the lesson at the end of the poem clearly tells what the poem is about in case anyone missed it through all that, though I highly doubt any one would or could miss it, it's all too clear what he's feeling and how he regrets ever letting his rage take control of him. This made me feel sorry for him but as he says even though he wishes to take it all back and has changed, he changed too late. Nothing much would make it better it's already excellent in my point of view, keep up the tremendous work.




User avatar
559 Reviews

Points: 1228
Reviews: 559

Donate
Tue Aug 05, 2014 1:52 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Chevy, nice work on your poem here! I really have nothing to say here, the concept was full of perspicuity, no grammar or spacing errors, no typing errors either. I may have a lazy eye (no, not like that, just I happen to be very tired today, waking up at 7:00 am), so you might not trust me, but overall this thing was awesome; not very new to the site, are you?

-:D wisegirl22




User avatar
417 Reviews

Points: 500
Reviews: 417

Donate
Wed Aug 14, 2013 12:36 am
Willard wrote a review...



Good job!
This is quite late though
I like the pattern and word usage
You never get on anymore
Hi-5!




User avatar
10 Reviews

Points: 28
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sat Jun 22, 2013 1:59 am
Demora wrote a review...



Hello here to review this wonderful, yet tragically sad work of yours. So first of all the things I like, no loved about this was I got a feel of what the narrator was feeling and the deep sadness and anger at himself in it. The whole poem really spreads that out for the person reading this, hope this didn't happen to you, plus the rhymes gave it a flowing touch to it that helped guide the reader through the poem in my opinion that is. Plus the lesson at the end of the poem clearly tells what the poem is about in case anyone missed it through all that, though I highly doubt any one would or could miss it, it's all too clear what he's feeling and how he regrets ever letting his rage take control of him. This made me feel sorry for him but as he says even though he wishes to take it all back and has changed, he changed too late. Nothing much would make it better it's already excellent in my point of view, keep up the tremendous work.
-Demora




Random avatar

Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Donate
Tue Aug 28, 2012 12:49 am
itslalaloopy2u wrote a review...



The emotion this poem had to it is great, but I think you shoul either add more rhythm to it, or take out the rhyme. Otherwise, it's great.




User avatar
253 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 253

Donate
Mon Mar 03, 2008 11:18 pm
CK Lynn says...



Liked it... the ryhme takes away the seriousness, though.




User avatar
665 Reviews

Points: 6165
Reviews: 665

Donate
Tue Nov 23, 2004 2:00 pm
Chevy says...



okay, okay, rhyming is all i know but i'll try to use something else.
also, i dont know what made me choose Boston.




User avatar
19 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 19

Donate
Mon Nov 22, 2004 4:18 pm
Cacophony wrote a review...



This poem is pretty good :D. Yeah the subject is a little overused, but I like how you dealt with it. Anyway, I found the rhyming kind distracting. I think it might be better without it.

I'm curious though, why Boston?




User avatar
324 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 324

Donate
Mon Nov 22, 2004 11:07 am
-KayJuran- says...



i agree when u say freestyle is gud 2 try... until
recently i only wrote poems using freestyle... it
means u dont have 2 worry bout rhyming so u
can concentrate more on the point ur trying 2
get across...




User avatar
85 Reviews

Points: 5890
Reviews: 85

Donate
Mon Nov 22, 2004 3:55 am
faith wrote a review...



I agree that its a bit cliche- one thing I suggest is to try freestyle- don't rhyme 'deep', emotional poems like this, because they often come off sounding like sappy email forwards if you do. I would be interested in seeing you rewrite this without any rhyming, that way you could concentrate on creating an elegant and moving story rather than trying to find words that rhyme.




User avatar
665 Reviews

Points: 6165
Reviews: 665

Donate
Sun Nov 21, 2004 10:56 pm
Chevy says...



well, i'm glad you liked in and could relate. it IS kinda cliche though...




User avatar
425 Reviews

Points: 11417
Reviews: 425

Donate
Sun Nov 21, 2004 10:06 pm
Nate wrote a review...



This really touched me since I can relate to it. Happened a couple years ago at the summer camp I work at. There was an instructor who worked at the waterfront and who had a history of epilepsy. There were plenty of people at the end of the day that it happened that were really torn up about it because they had badmouthed the instructor earlier.

Anyways, the message in this poem is indeed somewhat cliche, but it's something that everyone really does need to take to heart and it doesn't matter how many times it gets repeated. You really never know when somebody may disappear from your life forever, and you'll be tormented by it forever afterwards.

Past that... the poem needs some working. You should do a quick grammar check because there are seem instances when you wrote one word but meant another or used incorrect punctuation. For instance, you mean "sill" not "seal" in the first line and "other" not "toher." A quick spell-check will catch most of the problems, and if you read it aloud, I'm sure you'll catch the others.

Overall, good job. Excellent example of how poetry can be a window into the soul.





Okay, first of all, who names their dinner? I don't want to know my dinner's name. This potato--is this potato named Steve?
— Rick Riordan, The Sword of Summer