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The Day That America Will Fall

by Chevy


The sun will shine from sea to sea
Each day will began peacefully.

A man on the street is now a man in a mansion,
In his new business, he's considering expansion.

There will be no such thing as a starving child's tear
No murdering, or abortions, or haunting fears.

No matter his race or his skin color,
No man will be considered as smaller.

And while his peers are moving on--he will not be left behind
No matter his background or heritage, he'll stand next to them in line.

"War" will be a forbidden word and never to escape the lips.
A gun is now a tool forgotten and never to be missed.

In the name of love EVERY man will give his all,
And this will be the day that America will fall.


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Sun Sep 06, 2020 3:42 pm
Riverlight wrote a review...



Hello there, @Chevy! Though you may not see this, it's Vilnius with a review!

First and foremost, I really don't understand why America falls on this day. Do you mean it literally falls-- collapses and disburses into smaller nations to be taken over by others? Or is it the replacement of a government? What is it?

Secondly, some of your rhymes are off and seem a little forced, especially in the fourth, fifth, and sixth stanzas.

Finally, I liked this short lyrical poem of yours. I think that though there is room for improvement, you've done a great job of writing it.

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




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Sat Apr 25, 2015 5:48 pm
angelXOX says...



ha




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Sat Apr 25, 2015 5:42 pm
angelXOX says...






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Tue Aug 05, 2014 2:41 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Chevy, wisegirl22 here again for some fake review day reviews! :)

In the beginning, I noticed "began" doesn't fit quite right. You might want to change it to "begin".

"Each day will began peacefully."

I really liked this, but why does America fall on this day? My only nitpick and question. If you review some of my stories, I can follow you, just watch out for me radiating awesomeness!

-wisegirl22




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Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:12 am
NightsDreamer2277 says...



You chose an interesting title. Though I don't agree, I did like the way the words flow and the imaging you gave it in your simple verse. This is beautifly written.




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Fri Feb 01, 2008 1:18 am
ocyober says...



i love the dynamics of this poem and i think you present it very well. There is much emotion behind this poem. Man i sound like my teacher who picks apart every sentence...oooh whatever...it was good!!!




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Wed Jan 30, 2008 5:09 pm
LoveableLittleSock wrote a review...



The sun will shine from sea to sea
Each day will began peacefully.

A man on the street is now a man in a mansion,
In his new business, he's considering expansion. - No comma :)

There will be no such thing as a starving child's tear(s)
No murdering, or abortions, or haunting fears.

No matter his race or his skin color,
No man will be considered as smaller. - Smaller and color don't rhyme :) But whatever

And while his peers are moving on--he will not be left behind
No matter his background or heritage, he'll stand next to them in line.

"War" will be a forbidden word and never to escape the lips.
A gun is now a tool forgotten and never to be missed.

In the name of love EVERY man will give his all,
And this will be the day that America will fall.


HA. HAH HAHA HA. I liked this poem. HA. That is all I have to say to America. A big fat HA!!
I don't know why. It's all that comes to mind.
I enjoyed this poem. Very well written and the rhyming scheme is great.
KEEP WRITING!




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Mon Dec 06, 2004 8:30 pm
penny wrote a review...



i really enjoyed this poem. some of the rhymes are a little off. someone else mentioned that...about reading it aloud. it could flow a little better, but besides that I really like it. You might think about changing the title. If I hadn't have read the title about America falling, then the end would have been an even bigger surprise to me. I guess it just depends on whether or not you want that to be a dramatic realization, or a subtle one. Nice job. -penny




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Sun Nov 28, 2004 2:12 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



Overall, its a great poem - I like the transition at the end from describing perfection (or close to it) then saying that America will fall that day; talk about going off with a bang LOL!

"The sun will shine from sea to sea
Each day will began peacefully."


I particularly enjoy this stanza, the way you use "From sea to shining sea". I think "began" should be "begin" - but thats probably just a typo (?).

"A man on the street is now a man in a mansion,
In his new business, he's considering expansion."


I love those two lines - they dont fit the rhyme scheme established by the last one, really, but they do sum things up rather poignantly.

"There will be no such thing as a starving child's tear
No murdering, or abortions, or haunting fears. "


I like the sentiment behind these lines, but "haunting fears" seems a bit contrived to me. Maybe you could change it to something else? "fears" doesnt rhyme with "tear" either, so at the very least, "tear" should become "tearS".

"No matter his race or his skin color,
No man will be considered as smaller. "


Again, while I appreciate the sentiment, these two lines throw the rhythm all out of whack and are again a bit contrived, to my way of thinking. "Smaller" and "Skin colour" dont rhyme that well either. Not sure what you could do with these...change the words around perhaps, add a few. Try saying it out loud like faith suggested.

"And while his peers are moving on--he will not be left behind
No matter his background or heritage, he'll stand next to them in line. "


A bit long, maybe, but I like the concept. Break it up a little to fit the rhyme scheme though.

""War" will be a forbidden word and never to escape the lips.
A gun is now a tool forgotten and never to be missed. "


LOVE those lines. Perfect. :D Really awesome.

"In the name of love EVERY man will give his all,
And this will be the day that America will fall."


[shivers] I really love that ending. You read it through and then you sort of do a double take, because we're like - Huh? What happened to perfection? LOL. A very subtle way to make your point. I love it. With a little bit of work, its gonna be really awesome. :wink: Yikes, long post :oops: better stop typing. Keep up the great work!




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Mon Nov 22, 2004 11:01 am
-KayJuran- wrote a review...



i LOVE this poem!!!

only one thing i can think of saying which is that
maybe u cud find sumthin else 2 rhyme w mansion
as "mansion" & "profession" dont rhyme so well...

try:

http://www.rhymezone.com/

&

http://www.lyricalline.com/onlinerhyme.html

these r online rhyming dictionaries... i hope they
help...




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Mon Nov 22, 2004 3:51 am
faith wrote a review...



you are developing a very nice sense of cynicism. This is a great political poem, showing that human nature makes it impossible for us to coexist peacefully for any length of time.

A few words of criticism: the rhyming seemed a little awkward in places- try reading it out loud and you'll see what I mean- in some places you have to draw out a line or rush it because a line has too many words to fit the meter. Its also my opinion that you could use more linebreaks, but that's a stylistic choice. anyway, eliminate a word here or there on the longer lines or add a little to the shorter lines, and keep reading it out loud to see how it flows.





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