I wrestle with my conscious,
Something doesn't seem right.
I feel like something's gone wrong,
Somewhere some how.
I look over at the clock,
It's two in the morning,
My heart's beating fast,
I can't even sleep.
Something's gone wrong,
I can't figure it out.
Someone must be dying,
Drowning in the sea.
I close my eyes shut,
They re-open quickly,
Conscious is killing me,
Something's gone wrong.
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140,108 Literary Works • 673,015 Reviews
Hey there, Chevy! This is Alex, with a review on this poem of yours. I'm not even sure if you'll ever see this but here I am. I actually got to know about this Green Room anomaly from @Tikaya 's recent wallpost about Green Room not tracking works older than a year. My initial reaction was no wayyyy but my, if I wasn't surprised finding this. I'm actually a little curious to explore how many points one could earn in such a scenario lol but I'll try my best to offer helpful feedback still! Let's get right into it.
Hmm.. this sure is interesting to say the least. I love what rawness you've got here. I feel like this piece describes one of those unexplained anxiety we feel at times, and our mind runs to associate with a bad occurance. I don't blame you for the superstition, I'm guilty of it myself at times. That feeling isn't always vain though, I remember having it the day I found out my grandfather passed away so what do you know maybe it's beyond our mortal understanding. I certainly like the concept, how you took such a small relatable theme and wrote about it elaborately. I can feel the worry in the tone through the screen, such strong is the emotion. You've definitely nailed the connection to the reader part.
Onto the more technical stuff now. First of all, I think you meant 'conscience' as 'concious' is more of a state of awareness about one's surroundings and not synonymous to one's soul as you're intending it to come across as. Another more accurate alternative would be 'subconscious' and my personal suggestion.
I think it flows much better like this-
I feel like something's awry
Somehow, somewhere
This works fine but how about 'thumping' instead to make a more precise impact? But then again, it's purely my own phrasing preference, nothing objectively wrong with the present form.
If I were you, I'd word it like this-
Something's certainly wrong,
But I just can't figure it out
Not too bad but the ending should pop, maybe something like this-
I try to close my eyes a moment,
But they don't remain shut for long,
My subconscious is killing me slowly,
Something's amiss, I don't know what
That all being said, you really have a lot of potential! What you write comes from the heart, I can tell that. With just a little mind over your phrasing, you could express your poetry better. I really enjoyed this fresh idea and I wish you luck with all your future projects.
Love, Alex
This poem was wonderful! You clearly have deep passion for writing! I also love poems so I can relate and analyze the way you felt while conducting this poem. I also am in love with the suspicion. It is very difficult to attract readers with deep poetry that may be hard to correspond, but you clearly know what you are doing. I can see a picture with each little word in this poem: which is also a hard thing for an author to accomplish. The title is what really got me going. I was really drawn by the line "I wrestle with my conscious". Though the line consists of merely five words, the amount of meanings are endless. So it is very easy for the reader to connect with your feelings: which is a tough task. You are a brilliant writer and you seem to have experience with poetry. Don't ever stop writing because I am in love with the passion in this piece!
I'm not a fan of this--at all. There are no images here. I do, however, like the bit after the line break.
very nice i liked that but not the "I close my eyes shut, They re-open quickly" part, even though it is small.
i like it overall though
hey, nice. you really conveyed the mysterious feeling and that's what made the poem good. i liked your short stanzas and the way you wrote in present tense - it intensified the concept. well done.