Young Writers Society

Thanks for the comments guys--very true. However, I just read this poem over...and I don't think I could ever change anything about it because it's the way I feel about Travis--the exact way. I may go in and change some things, but I still have to keep it this way, too. If you knew Travis, you would understand.

This poem definitely has potential CarsandGuitars. There are some revisions that should be made but the premise is great.

Somewhere back in the past,
I remember that I met you.
I remember meeting you,
But I’m not sure you met me.
I almost felt our souls connect,
Like we were destined.
But they never did join,
You were blocking my entrance.

I like this stanza, but I think the first two lines should be scrapped altogether. Something should be added to the line 'like we were destined' - 'to be together' or 'for something great' might be a couple of examples. The last line reads a bit strange, but I dont know what you can do about it exactly. Find another word for 'entrance'? 'You wouldnt let me in' might work.

I’m like an outlaw,
Walking on the outskirts of town,
Looking for you and searching,
Still, I can’t find you.

I reckon this should be a small stanza by itself. Love that analogy of an outlaw on the edge of town.

I walk by the library daily,
Where I was sure I could find you.
I lean against the pharmacy wall,
Waiting for you to come out.
I traveled to the allies, [alleys]
Infested with rats and the lifeless.

This bit strikes me as kind of awkward. 'I walk past the library daily/Where I was sure I could find you' is gramatically incorrect and it bugs the hell outta me LOL. It should be something like 'I walk past the library daily/Certain I would find you there'. 'infested with rats and the lifeless' - this stops abruptly and spoils the flow. Infested with the lifeless what? I know what you mean but stopping there just doesnt suit the poem. It makes the reader stop and go 'Eh? The lifeless what, sorry?". Its jolting. I'd add something in there. 'The lifeless dead' maybe. Or something.

Still, I find nothing,
Not even a trail of your path.
I’ve run out of places to look,
I start to forget what you even look like.
But never will I neglect the way it felt,
When your fire burnt me to ashes.

'Not even a trail of your path' - 'trail' is not the word you want here. Something like 'shadow' or 'echo of your passing' would work better. 'Trail' is redundant. It means the same thing as path. 'I've run out of places to look/I start to forget what you even look like' doesnt fit either, it should read something like 'You're running out of hiding places/And I'm starting to forget the way you looked that night'. I like the last lines, though, good foreshadowing and a nice link to the end and title.

Nothing’s going to bring back the time when we met.
Nothing’s going to make us together again.
Never again will your brown eyes meet my own.
Even though it was just that one time,
The fire still burns.

I love this verse, except for the third line. 'Never again will our gazes meet across the room' or something. I dont know. I just dont like the 'brown eyes' part, its too overt. I'd also add a 'but' to the beginning of the second to last line. Loved the ending.

Overall, like I said, it has potential, and the basis behind it is still sound. I like your poems, CarsandGuitars - they often have a sense of music to them when I read them aloud and I really enjoy that. Keep writing!

This poem was OK...needs some revisions, though. I think you use the word 'you' a lot, and for this length of a poem, you don't describe 'you' enough. 'Waiting for you' seems to be redundant, too. Other than that, I loved the last line about 'the fire still burns'. great line!