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And My Uncle?(just trying to get point across)

by Chevy


This is a really stupid poem I just wrote about me...and my uncle. It's true. And I know it's stupid but, it's the only way I could put it.

something is wrong and
it has been for
three years

my chest is hurting
my heart is racing
since i was 12
but i go to the doctor

he says nothings wrong
but
my heart is racing


its like
somebodys stabbing me--
but he says nothings wrong

and thats the same thing he said about my uncle
and my uncle?
he's dead now.


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Sat Sep 08, 2018 2:40 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there.
I've reviewed a couple of your other poems and I'm really digging your style. Most of the ones I read were functioning on "short and sweet", which doesn't speak as much to content as it does to the length and structure.

One issue right out of the gate is the line all the way at the bottom that's jutting out from the others. Not only does the line mess a bit with the structure and flow, it messes with the concept for the poem, which has so far only been focused on the one person. i see the need for the speaker to switch into talking about this related case, about this related issue of their life, but the transition isn't making the right things happen. To move into that spot, I think the secondary concept needs a better introduction than just the vague title mention?

Also structure wise in connection to the ideas being introduced, the first stanza could deal with some separation. I think the first introduction of the problem (conveniently placed in italics for this reviewer), would do better if separated off from the rest of the stanza. With a poem that is functioning on being short and compact, you have to deal with packing a lot of emotions in there. And those aren't all being shown if you're not giving enough space for the words and thought, to impact the reader in whatever way.

I'm thinking of assuming this one might be autobiographical because it's one of the few non-romance centric poems I've seen recently. And this topic doesn't seem like the kind that would be made for a fake poem narrator. So from that aspect, the poem is more relatable to the audience with that health issue in mind. Like not all of the audience members are going to have some major health issue in their lives but they can certainly relate on the fact of knowing someone who died.

So overall, it's a good poem.
A few things stylistically
or structurally, could be changed.

Happy revmo.
-Lizz




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Fri Mar 04, 2005 9:45 am
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Liz says...



Simple yet emotive.




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Wed Mar 02, 2005 6:23 pm
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Green Monkey says...



Man, a poem like that really gets me worried..... That's pretty sad. Sounds um... bad... Though your poem is sad it is also very well written.......





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