z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



Gone

by Chevy


And I was just wondering--
Where have you gone?
It was just the other day,
It was you I relied on.
But now, you've gone,
And I don't understand.

Now I am walking alone.
I stand in solitaire.
You ARE gone, you know--
Meaning so is apart of me
I hate to bother you,
But your departure,
I will not welcome.
I won't except your non-existence.

I know you aren't here with me,
But I keep the past alive,
As though you still reside here--
You haven't gone anywhere.

But why have you gone?
It must be me,
Or what I've done,
Your silent treatment is killing me
But now I am here all alone,
And I can't help but wonder,
Where have you gone?


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
665 Reviews

Points: 6165
Reviews: 665

Donate
Mon Nov 29, 2004 1:01 pm
Chevy says...



thanks for your comments--but i dont have any just really wicked (good wicked) poetry.




User avatar
701 Reviews

Points: 10087
Reviews: 701

Donate
Mon Nov 29, 2004 5:40 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



Right now, its not incredible. No worries, though, coz it definitely has potential ;). There are some good places and some not so good but overall I really enjoyed it.

"And I was just wondering--
Where have you gone?
It was just the other day,
It was you I relied on.
But now, you've gone,
And I don't understand."


This stanza is almost like a song. The rhyming makes it a bit awkward - I dont think "It was you I relied on" is long enough somehow. And "It" should be altered to something else, either in that line or the one above, because the repetition stops the flow and it becomes slightly stilted. Overall I enjoyed this verse, though, beginning as though in the middle of a conversation and definitely showing the insecurity of the narrator in "I dont understand" - very powerful.

"Now I am walking alone.
I stand in solitaire.
You ARE gone, you know--
Meaning so is apart of me
I hate to bother you,
But your departure,
I will not welcome.
I won't except your non-existence."


"I am" should be "I'm" in this stanza, I think. I like "I stand in solitare", although, sadly, it doesnt quite follow. "Meaning so is apart of me" should be changed, perhaps even scrapped altogether. Also, as pointed out by Nate, "except" should be "accept". Other than that, I like it, particularly the last three lines - "But your departure/I will not welcome/I wont accept your non-existence". It's so...perfect. Exactly the way people are, you know? Denial and etc. Very cool.

"I know you aren't here with me,
But I keep the past alive,
As though you still reside here--
You haven't gone anywhere. "


Not sure the point of this bit, really. What are you trying to say? How does it fit in with the rest of the poem?

"But why have you gone?
It must be me,
Or what I've done,
Your silent treatment is killing me
But now I am here all alone,
And I can't help but wonder,
Where have you gone?"


I think you could probably skip the last stanza altogether, and start this one as the next verse right after "I wont accept your non-existence". However, this stanza appears to be in two parts - a bit disjointed. I would change the "But" in "But now I am here all alone" to something else, perhaps even just "here all alone", cutting out the "and" of the next line so that it reads "Here all alone/I cant help but wonder/Where have you gone?" - that might make more sense.

Like I said, it has potential. A little bit of fixing up and it could be great. Its certainly got enough depth to really shine. Good luck with the revision - I cant wait to see how it turns out!




User avatar
9 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 9

Donate
Thu Nov 25, 2004 1:59 pm
Beware wrote a review...



I really like the first part of the poem, but after that it did start to go downhill a bit. The feeling of defiance in the second verse/stanza is great and the general emotion behind the rest is really good too. :) It is a little repetitive in places and could do with some editing in places, though.




User avatar
425 Reviews

Points: 11417
Reviews: 425

Donate
Thu Nov 25, 2004 7:19 am
Nate wrote a review...



It sounds very repititive and very disjointed in places such as with "I stand in solitaire" and "Meaning is so apart from me." Both of those lines need some working. Also "except" at the end of the second stanza needs to be changed to "accept."

But, I also got a really good sense of the speaker's insecurity. You brought it out really well with the internal questioning and lines like "And I don't understand."

Overall, I thought it was good with definite potential.




User avatar
665 Reviews

Points: 6165
Reviews: 665

Donate
Thu Nov 25, 2004 3:00 am
Chevy says...



i thought this was a good one when i wrote it,but now that i read it over and over, i see that its not so good. however, i would like to know what you think about it.





I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good... then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor - such is my idea of happiness.
— Leo Tolstoy