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broken recalls

by Chevy


This is a song as well as a poem. But I figured it would get more attention being posted here. It may seem a little redundant but if you were to hear me actually sing/play the song, you would understand how the reiteration is desperately needed. So please, critique if you can while ignoring that factor--thanks.

fifteen
minutes of ordinary fame
artificial sane and old blood stains
we found in between
fifteen
choking on faces pasted on posters
that make us cry and make us fret
only so they can look right through us
to the million other fans
they've never met
fifteen
can't believe what they've just heard and
much too weak for their own words
always saying what they don't mean
fifteen
sorrows that breathe the sky
and he can't let out, he must deny
the endless tears trapped in his eyes
since he's been told that men don't cry
fifteen
arguments from down the hall that
leave the door open for broken recalls that are
making humans machines
fifteen
learning to play redemption games
when and where to change their names
when to say what they don't mean
when to admit that they're
fifteen
minutes of ordinary fame
artificial sane and old blood stains
we found in between
and what we make of being
fifteen


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Tue Nov 01, 2005 4:34 pm
Firestarter wrote a review...



Well, ignoring the repeated fifteen (lol),

choking on faces pasted on posters
that make us cry and make us fret
only so they can look right through us
to the million other fans
they've never met


Move the last line on to the line before it, seems no idea to break it up there.

can't believe what they've just heard and
much too weak for their own words
always saying what they don't mean


Remove the "and" at the end of the first line, songs often sound disjointed and you don't need conjunctions between lines, really.

arguments from down the hall that
leave the door open for broken recalls that are
making humans machines


Eugh. Better as "arguments from down the hall/leave the door open for broken recalls" and I really don't like how the last line fits in particularly.

when and where to change their names
when to say what they don't mean
when to admit that they're
fifteen


Best part of the song. Love how the line flows into fifteen here.

Otherwise, pretty good, although it didn't seem too much like a poem to me, but that's my opinion.




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Tue Nov 01, 2005 2:54 pm
Chevy says...



Thanks Tríona. I'm glad you liked it :)




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Tue Nov 01, 2005 9:43 am
Tríona wrote a review...



:D I seriously liked it!! I would love to hear it sung!! :P There is nothing much to nit-pick about - It's really good. :wink:

My favourite part was:

fifteen
sorrows that breathe the sky
and he can't let out, he must deny
the endless tears trapped in his eyes
since he's been told that men don't cry
fifteen





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