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million blurry memories

by Chevy


blood spreads across the linoleum
and i fight to find tears
the stains in the satin
are showing in your face.
your closed-eyes say,
"it is finised."

i loved you until you died.

i place numb fingers
against your ice cold skin
as you slowly crumble
into a million blurry memories.

pushed away by destiny
and left alone by fate

i loved you until i died.


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Mon Jul 18, 2005 4:47 pm
Firestarter says...



Fair enough, but it wasn't emotional/lyrical either, in my opinion.




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Mon Jul 18, 2005 4:39 pm
Chevy says...



Firestarter wrote:To be honest, this did nothing for me .

It just seemed to lack any sort of emotion, or profoundness. It looks like you tried too hard to make a poem be original, and ended up with something quite incomprehensible, or at least a little too vague. There's nothing dramatic about it and the last line annoys me.


But it wasn't supposed to be dramatic.




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Fri Jul 15, 2005 4:05 am
antigone says...



Yeah, I love it. Especially the third stanza. I agree with most things Niteowl said, except I think

the stains in the satin
are showing in your face.

Is fine.

Brilliant!




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Thu Jul 14, 2005 4:09 pm
Firestarter wrote a review...



To be honest, this did nothing for me .

It just seemed to lack any sort of emotion, or profoundness. It looks like you tried too hard to make a poem be original, and ended up with something quite incomprehensible, or at least a little too vague. There's nothing dramatic about it and the last line annoys me.




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Thu Jul 14, 2005 1:27 pm
Chevy says...



Thanks so much everyone...I'm glad people are starting to like my poems again. I guess I just went through an awkward stage at one point. I don't have Microsoft Word on my computer so I just have Word Pad and it doesn't have spell check and I always forget to do on here. Thanks Niteowl, for pointing the mistakes out.




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Thu Jul 14, 2005 1:09 pm
deleted6 says...



Cool!!! Everyone else has said every i wasnted to say




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Thu Jul 14, 2005 1:07 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



This poem is good, but there are some little things that bug me.

"finised" should be "finished"

And I don't think "closed-eyes" should be hyphenated. Did you do that for effect or something?

"the stains in the satin
are showing in your face" The first "in" works, but I think "on" would make more sense because there aren't usually stains in your face.

Although, throwing in a little more punctuation wouldn't hurt.

I really liked this, especially the third stanza.




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Thu Jul 14, 2005 2:22 am
Jennafina says...



I REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS POEM!!! Sorry to wsound so vague, but Im not exactly sure what made me like it so much.. Its REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD!!! :P





Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand