blood spreads across the linoleum
and i fight to find tears
the stains in the satin
are showing in your face.
your closed-eyes say,
"it is finised."
i loved you until you died.
i place numb fingers
against your ice cold skin
as you slowly crumble
into a million blurry memories.
pushed away by destiny
and left alone by fate
i loved you until i died.
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139,353 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Fair enough, but it wasn't emotional/lyrical either, in my opinion.
But it wasn't supposed to be dramatic.
Yeah, I love it. Especially the third stanza. I agree with most things Niteowl said, except I think
the stains in the satin
are showing in your face.
Is fine.
Brilliant!
To be honest, this did nothing for me .
It just seemed to lack any sort of emotion, or profoundness. It looks like you tried too hard to make a poem be original, and ended up with something quite incomprehensible, or at least a little too vague. There's nothing dramatic about it and the last line annoys me.
Thanks so much everyone...I'm glad people are starting to like my poems again. I guess I just went through an awkward stage at one point. I don't have Microsoft Word on my computer so I just have Word Pad and it doesn't have spell check and I always forget to do on here. Thanks Niteowl, for pointing the mistakes out.
Cool!!! Everyone else has said every i wasnted to say
This poem is good, but there are some little things that bug me.
"finised" should be "finished"
And I don't think "closed-eyes" should be hyphenated. Did you do that for effect or something?
"the stains in the satin
are showing in your face" The first "in" works, but I think "on" would make more sense because there aren't usually stains in your face.
Although, throwing in a little more punctuation wouldn't hurt.
I really liked this, especially the third stanza.
I REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS POEM!!! Sorry to wsound so vague, but Im not exactly sure what made me like it so much.. Its REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD!!!