Young Writers Society

I think I'll have to agree with Nate about taking out all the "likes". I think that would make it better, almost deeper somehow. At least, that's how it seems to me. I liked the point that you were making, about the things we'll never understand. And using contrasting things to try and get that point across.

I, also, don't particularly care for short poems, but, unlike Jack, I liked reading this. Partially because it was well-written, and partially because I understood it, which is always a plus.


Anywho. Well done!

xoxo
-Caitlin

I'm not sure I understand the point you are trying to get across. All of these juxtapositions simply confuse me. You're right. It is something we'll never understand.

I agree with nate that eliminating the 'likes' would make this more powerful. Metaphors are always more powerful than similies.

I disagree wit firestarter (no offence). I think that if you lenthened the poem you would lose the overall effect. I think that it shows how sudden death is and the 'imagery' (don't know what else to call it i ain't clever like nate!) is very powerful because i think it shows that without those things it would just be pointless. I loved this... but i do think Nate is right when he said about changing the similies to metaphors. Overall though its cool.

Why do i get the feeling that this 'reply fing' just dosen't sound right? Oh well! x

I don't like short poems. I don't know why, I find them...somewhat irritating, for some reason. So I'm sure you'll excuse me if I don't particularly enjoy reading this (not saying it's bad, don't take offence).

I suggest you change "Like a bank containing no money" to "Like a bank with no money".

The line "Or like a book enclosing no pages" sounds strange, perhaps change to "Or like a book containing no pages".

Otherwise, it's good. But if it was me I'd write a lot more.

For some reason, there's no apostrophe's. Probably a problem that occured when submitting.

I like your use of comparisons and similies, but I think the poem would be more powerful if you took out all the "likes." Also, the second to last line comes as a shock in the sense that the whole pattern you had is just suddenly thrown out of whack. This is fine, especially for what the line is about, but have it be the beginning of a new stanza.