I walk alone.
My existence--
Means nothing.
My very human,
Has been forgotten,
My utter existence,
Doesn't count anymore.
When they go counting,
They exclude me.
I don't amount,
So therefore I don't count.
And my existence,
Means nothing.
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139,350 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey there. I'm doing a sweep of pieces of poetry that never got proper reviews for celebrating the #RevMo season.
The last real review you got recommended a certain pattern of line breaks. i agree with some of what they said but since this poem is really focusing on the emphasis it can give out to the audience, here's a sample way of putting it together.
I think breaking the first line off from the pack will really help you here. I know it's a bolder move when we come to the subject of poetry but I feel like this work needs an artsy vibe to make it work properly.
An overall recommendation: cut down on what you capitalize. Lots of people think that you need to begin every line with a cap so I don't really blame you for that as an overall style choice.
However with the subject of this poem, where you're concentrating on not being noticed, it might be helpful to go with undercase to introduce everything.
Stop it right there. It's a complete thought by itself and it deserves to have the period there as a way of encompassing the whole idea.
Originally I had these two sentences split apart to create an uniform design but that comes down to your own stylistic choices. With the wording and subject matter in mind, in theory it could work either way.
Talking about these two right here but again for full effect, you have to break the dramatic opening/ending off from the rest of the pack. I think this will work good for the situation that was presented.
You don't have many issues with the execution content wise but it comes down to the design needing a helping hand, to fully convey the ideas presented.
Good job.
- lizz
I really loved this poem! There aren’t very many poems out there that I really connect to, but this is one of them. It flows really well without having to rhyme, which quite a feat. Usually I enjoy those kinds of poems over non-rhyming ones, but this one was different. I enjoyed the imagery you used to convey the message, especially in the beginning when you were talking about the auction. I could imagine myself in that situation, and I have had those exact same feelings before. The end really wrapped up the poem nicely. Keep writing!!!
I really liked this. The dramatic tone was better than most I have read because it didn't seem like the POV felt sorry for him/her-self. I have no nitpicks. Continue writing.
-Always, Writer.
I think this is a great poem, particularly the way you repeat the first lines as the last - a very effective ending.
"I walk alone.
My existence--
Means nothing. "
I can definitely relate to that feeling - like being the invisible wo/man - and I like the succinct way you have expressed it. Very rhythmic here, with the little break after "my existence" perfectly placed.
"My very human,
Has been forgotten,
My utter existence,
Doesn't count anymore."
I can only assume by "my very human" you mean "humanity"? It doesnt seem to follow as "human" (though it fits the rhythm nicely) but that could just be me. Otherwise, neatly balanced. I would advise changing the comma after "forgotten" to a semicolon, but thats only me being fussy I think, hehe. And perhaps you could change "utter" to "entire"? It would make more sense, if you think about the whole of something not being counted, than "utter" does now. Just my two cents.
"When they go counting,
They exclude me.
I don't amount,
So therefore I don't count."
Not sure about this part. I like the sentiment behind it, but the expression maybe could use a little work. Its the rhyme that throws me off, I think. Was it accidental? Anyway, its OK, but personally the repetition of "count" and "counting" gets a bit iffy. Maybe another word?
"And my existence,
Means nothing."
Not to me it doesnt, lol! That ending gave me chills. Very well put. Kind of trails off in a ghostly way, like...like...I dont know, a ghost hehe. Absolutely perfect; definitely a fave. Keep up the good work!!! (Please!!!)
I thought that this was very good; definitely one of the best, if not the best, I've read by you thus far. It flows along well and doesn't sound disjointed anywhere.