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The Past

by Chevy


I try not to remember,
But the past is stained on my heart.
I've tried to wash it out,
With thoughts of happiness,
Yet, I still see the past,
Standing clearly and boldly.

Life's not getting easier.
The days are just getting longer
Years don't want to end,
I turn around to see the past,
Finally, I drift away from it.
I turn around again,
Only to see my past--
Now caught up with me.

I try to push away,
Try to get it vanish,
It's still there--
Neither is it going anywhere.


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83 Reviews

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Reviews: 83

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Wed Mar 12, 2008 8:43 pm
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Raimunda wrote a review...



I try not to remember,
But the past is stained on my heart.

I LOVE THIS. ITS AMAZING. Did you think of this yourself, or is it someone elses? its genius. WHAT a METAPHOR.


I turn around to see the past,
Finally, I drift away from it.
I turn around again,
Only to see my past--
Now caught up with me.

This really made me think of a game of tig, which is dead good. I can literally see it happening in my head.



It said it the rules I'm not just to hang onto your lips- I have to .... critique.


um.

Well, maybe if you hadn't said 'past' twice in one verse.

Part from that.

Brilliant.




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183 Reviews

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Reviews: 183

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Mon Mar 10, 2008 3:18 pm
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LoveableLittleSock wrote a review...



I try not to remember,
But the past is stained on my heart.
I've tried to wash it out,
With thoughts of happiness,
Yet, I still see the past,
Standing clearly and boldly.

Life's not getting easier.
The days are just getting longer
Years don't want to end,
I turn around to see the past,
Finally, I drift away from it.
I turn around again,
Only to see my past--
Now caught up with me.

I try to push away,
Try to get it vanish,
It's still there--
Neither is it going anywhere.

I hate the way this ends.
Well I don't HATE it. Its really good.
Its just like, a clifhangers. And that annoys me. Because I have to know everything.
And a tip: Avoid "and" at the beginning of a line. It sort of throws off the flow of the poem :)
KEEP WRITING!




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266 Reviews

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Reviews: 266

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Mon Mar 10, 2008 12:00 am
backgroundbob wrote a review...



See, while it's very nice that you're making an effort to critique, you also have to use some common sense: this poem is over three years old, and the writer has progressed considerably since then. I've no doubt you meant well, but perhaps you'd be better sticking to more recent pieces for the most positive effect?




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26 Reviews

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Sun Mar 09, 2008 9:04 pm
Crispy wrote a review...



really good poetry requires a really good understanding of language. You need to find ways to make words work for you. What words paint an image in your mind? What words slap you across the face? What words are silly, boring, inviting, expressive, etc? You just need to experiment a little and observe how words are used. It will help you to do some reading, and by reading I mean from all kinds of authors.

Read some Shakespeare, then something more modern. Just read, read, read. Then when you feel like you know how you can adequately get your message across with language, have another go. Right now with what you've given me I feel no sort of emotion, and this has no lasting impact on me at all. I'm sure with an idea of this magnitude that's what you want to go for. Don't give up, but just think about it next time before you try again. Good luck!

Very good though!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep on trying.....................................................................




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425 Reviews

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Mon Nov 29, 2004 3:47 pm
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Nate wrote a review...



I really liked this. The past is viewed abstractly, yet with a definite personal quality; it almost comes off as sounding personified. However, you need to go through and grammar check it:
- In the sixth line, "boldy" should be "boldly"
- In the eighth line, "longerm" should be "longer"

Also, try avoiding "And" at the beginning of a line. In fact, you could get rid of all of the "And"s without affecting the structure of the poem. Getting rid of the "But"s at the beginning of the lines would also be good; when I read the poem without them, it sounded more powerful.

Overall, I liked it. Lines like "The past is stained on my heart" says a lot without being verbose, and you set the tone of the poem exactly right; you definitely get a sense of a character who is morose and regretful.





Poetry is my cheap means of transportation. By the end of the poem the reader should be in a different place from where he started. I would like him to be slightly disoriented at the end, like I drove him outside of town at night and dropped him off in a cornfield.
— Billy Collins