Okay, so I know I'm not a poet but this is what I got in attempt to write a song...it's about a girl who's (guy) best friend dies, and he had a girlfriend and the other girl (his best friend) was secretly in love with him. Stupid cliche love crap, I know...but I haven't written a poem in forever.
his silk-padded coffin appeals to you to more
when you cling to it's rim that you wish had been
yours, and
(then there was [last] Tuesday) when
he folded his lips, to
what should've been a kiss
(what you thought'd be a kiss)
but it just led to lies and one final
goodbye, that would leave your heart open
in hopes that he'd cry, what
would later drive you crazier,
than he ever could, and (then)
drag you to the cliff, where he and she stood
(with) his arm on her shoulder,
like she'd always persist, and
her hair in his mouth and her mouth on his wrist,
hoping he'd repeat...those
"soft magic words"
that she swore that she knew, and she knew she that
heard
in the last few days of his
fluroscent-lit skies,
that she could give him what
no other girl had tried
And oh, how his First sets the stage for the rest,
And that gave you no chance, though you were
the best
at doing his homework, and dying his hair,
you just knew you could get anywhere
you wanted (in him)with
his arm on your shoulder
lying low in the grass as
you felt him get older
and damn, look at all of this time that has past, since
the flowers on his coffin
you knew wouldn't last like
all you still had, and all you would miss like
the first and last time he attempted that
kiss, and
you couldn't understand, nor
would you ever comprehend, that
while he held that other girl, he
was longing for his friend
too.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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beautiful.
i didn't like the parentheses in this stanza.
i think the random, sort of off-kilter style of it adds to the sharp, confused and jumbled feelings surrounding extreme emotions and events - love, death.... it expresses it's emotion magnificently, and that is the true task of writing. so even it there were no blow away language or scenery, it still held the feeling, and enchanted me, personally. congrants.
Er... any special reason why this is broken up into two posts?
The first two stanzas are absolutely wonderful. The rest doesn't seem so inspired.
Hmm... what a lame critique. Let's see if I can do better.
It seems to go off on a tangent. Mind you, I'm terrible at reading poetry, but you talk about a coffin, then a goodbye, but you don't keep the poetic imagerygoing so we're not quite sure with what's happening. If that makes any sense...
I think there needs to be a transitional line or something between the first two stanzas and the rest of the poem. That might smooth it out quite a bit, which would be a good thing.
But I like it!