z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Another day.

by SecreteJournalist


Lips locking,
love never stopping,
passion in the room.
Awakening mind,
just a blanket to hide behind.

It was just a dream.

Getting up sadly,
glaring at my wardrobe madly.
I must choose the perfect outfit.

Skipping the morning meal,
not planning on eating, again.
All for the boy who doesn't care.

Leaving home early,
arriving at school an hour too soon,
waiting for yet another day to happen.
The bell finally rings,
I'm catching myself yawning,
I never got much sleep.

Finally my eyes lay on him,
my face lifting to a grin.
He never noticed.
Sadness plagues my mind fast,
today was just like the last.
Living in a world of false fantasy.

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42 Reviews

Points: 100
Reviews: 42

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Sat May 24, 2014 11:52 pm
ElectraHeart wrote a review...



Hi Secrete, it’s Dorothy here!
I really like this poem. Nice flow, good punctuation, and a relatable theme! I didn’t see any mistakes and my favorite part of this poem is the theme because it is just so relatable, especially for teenagers, boys and girls. All in all it is a very beautiful and relatable poem. I also like how well the stanzas are separated. Anyways, thats about it!
Totally a ten out of ten from your friend who went over the rainbow!
Happy review day!
Love,
Sarai




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933 Reviews

Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

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Mon Apr 28, 2014 3:28 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hey there. ^^

Lips locking,
love never stopping,
passion in the room.


The commas in this make me want to review it based on grammar... oh I'll do it anyways. I adore punctuation in poems, but I think you've got too many commas for this stanza. Also, go for smoother transitions. Something that connects the third line with the second because it's awkward by itself.

Getting up sadly,
glaring at my wardrobe madly.


Honey, if you have to force a rhythm, then you shouldn't just rhyme. Nothing is worse than a forced rhyme scheme. The syntax here is awkward and choppy when it should be smooth because of the forced rhythm.

Skipping the morning meal,


I think this would be better if it was plural >> skipping morning meals

Finally my eyes lay on him,


Instead of lay, try a different verb.

Sadness plagues my mind fast,


Awkwardly phrased. Try >> Sadness quickly plagues my mind.

Living in a world of false fantasy.


"False fantasy" doesn't really work here. Try something else.


Okay, so I feel like this poem was really common and un-unique? A girl stops eating to impress some guy who will never notice her? I felt that this wasn't very creative. If I had a penny for every time I heard this story... but I digress.

The first stanza was a good way of showing us that this was a dream without really telling us that. I think you could have done better to show us how she felt inside the dream and then how she felt waking up. Was she crestfallen? Depressed? A bit aroused? Anything works, really.

The rest of the poem tells a story but the narrator is choppy. The lines don't really flow into each other and so the transition is weird. I understand the point you're trying to get across, but I can't envision it. Does that make sense? Maybe it's just me.

Like I said, the forced rhythm is terrible. Not gonna lie, I hated it. I think you could do better without it so look into tweaking that. It's a good poem and it'd be even better without awkward lines that are formed oddly to make them rhyme with another.

Hope this helps.

~Iggy




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305 Reviews

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Reviews: 305

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Mon Apr 28, 2014 2:29 am
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speakerskat wrote a review...



Hey there Kat here to write a review for you!

#my7thgradeyearinanutshell!

Nice poem. It was very real to the hopeless romantic girls out there and very relatable. The flow seemed really good and I like how it started as a cliché love poem and then became something entirely different and unexpected. It totally captures the sad naïve hopefulness of loving someone who doesn't know you exist. but I think you should have mentioned the guy more, though I do like how you didn't drown out the girls perspective by focusing on the guy I jut really felt like he was an after thought and that this poem could have been about anything she particularly wanted to see or do that day. Add some more description of her feelings or how he hangs with his friends and never even notices her. Overall nice flow love the italics and it was well put together! Keep it up!

~Kat





Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief