Young Writers Society

Hi, J.C. here for a review!

I must say, I was very impressed. I honestly did not find anything funny in this poem, except for the fact that you had to include a banana peel.

There is a sort of whimsical feel about the poem, and obviously you weren't trying to write something 'deep and important,' but at the same time there is another whole realm of thoughts I get from reading this.

Love and broken hearts. I'm not even sure if you sat down and planned it out, but it flows effortlessly and the way you've used the banana peel doesn't feel forced at all.

Frigid air brought us closer,
letting two cold bodies come
together to create warmth.
Quietness became our enemy,
both afraid to break it's wall.

If you can write something that good when you're not even trying and have something else entirely on mind, I'd be shocked to see what you can write when you're actually focused! It's beautiful, in so many ways, and though I don't see the humor, I'm laughing because nothing's funny, but it's supposed to be, but yet it's not. I know that doesn't make any sense, but this is a very interesting piece of work.

With the short description you give, this could be a fun, inside joke for anyone who reads it. But I can see where this might be seen as something 'deep and important.' Very well done, I must say!

Thank you SecreteJournalist!

Hey Secrete!

So banana peels is a totally random thing to write about and the fact that you made a poem about them is awesome. Who knows if I could've done that as well? xD

Anyways, onto le review.

His large hand enveloped my tiny one.

I once received a review that yelled at me for doing this and it's stuck with me ever since. Guys are typically larger than girls, no? So of course his hand is going to be larger than hers and by you having to state it makes me think that his hand is the size of a giant's and hers the size of a mouse. Not good. Not the image you're trying to get across.

Instead, describe how they feel. Whose point of view is this from? Either way, describe how his hands differ in comparison to hers. Are his calloused from working hard? If so, then how does the texture feel against her lotioned ones?

both afraid to break it's wall.

Be specific. Who is "both"? Also, it's should be its*

across the cement pavement.

Use one or the other. Both together is too descriptive.

a yellow banana peel.

"Yellow" does this line no justice. We already know bananas are yellow. Tell us something new. IS it moldy? Stained with brown spots? Rotten?


Okay, so I feel like this poem could do with some more imagery. Things like the sun and the trees are stated so simply. Describe to us how the sun looks when it's setting below the trees, shining through the branches. Tell us what kind of trees and how they look. Especially work on using descriptive details, but cut out words that you don't need so the poem stays small and straight to the point.

I'm afraid the whole point of this poem was lost on me. The narrator and her man were happy in the beginning of this poem as it talked about hands-in-hands and sun setting, and then something about the quietness being their enemy comes in. What does that mean? Are they not communicating enough? Why is the silence a bad thing?

And then the narrator says that "it just had to be broken" but isn't that a good thing? Because how can a relationship work with no communication? Then the narrator is slipping on a banana peel. Does this mean she fell out of love? And what does the banana signify? A mistake, a sudden change or events, a sudden change of heart? Because in my mind, I see that slipping on a banana peel means that she was taken by surprise and fell out of love for any reason. Is that what this poem is about?

I felt that the transitions were choppy, so work on making the flow smoother there. They didn't tie in well with each other.

But other than that, this was nice. It had a story that was told, and while it was a bit confusing, it was still nice to hear. ^^

Hope this helps.

~Iggy