Note: * Hey! So, yes, this is kind of to the tune of pop goes to weasel. It's a little off-key, but that's intentional. I hope it's not too tacky.*
Round and round the teenager's mind,
thoughts of suicide wander.
The girl thought life was pointless.
'Pop!' goes the pill bottle.
Her mind was as good as dead,
insanity with every tear shed.
That's the way that her life goes.
'Pop!' goes the pill bottle.
Every day and every night,
her mind slips away.
She knew death was coming near.
'Pop!' goes the pill bottle.
Up and down the blade goes,
sawing away at her skin.
That's the way she guides the blade.
'Pop!' goes the pill bottle.
She screamed and cried for help,
no one ever heard her.
She muttered 'so-long' and then she was gone.
'Pop!' goes the pill bottle.
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hi Secrete!
This is one of my favorites of yours, in fact I read it quite often. Me and our friend Emma used to sing the title of this song frequently. As for that I like the theme of this poem the depression/suicide of it. It’s all together beautiful and tragic. This is and always be one of my favorite poems.
Okay, I hoped that helped.
Keep writing,
Sarai.
P.S. A bird just flew in my house...
If I could I would like it a million times this is my favorite poem/song. Thanks brie. I eve.fg.er.g.erg..etg..f.g.er.g.reger.g.reg
I tempted to create a backing for this
Well done Secrete!
Beautiful and tragic at the same time.
Really profound. Nice job!
Oh my God. This was so beautiful, in a beautifully dark way.
Never hold back. It's clear you shouldn't hold back on all of this stuff because you describe it in such an amazingly interesting way that it just works. You made the dark topic of suicide so...fun to read. Is that bad to say? Oh well, it just worked in my mind.
You really dove straight into that gritty, graphic stuff, and you didn't hold back. I loved that.
My only little flaw I see in this is you wrote Pop! Goes the Pill Bottle and she 'sawed away with a knife'. Was the bottle a methaphor? [Please don't judge yourself because I said this. It's constructive criticism!]
Overall, it was beautifully haunting and amazing.
~Kristen~
P.S.- Keep writing!
I bet you're a hit at parties.
All joking aside, this work is really dark and has a very ironic/childish twang to it, creating an irony around the concept of the work- I can only view this as a sequential analysis of a drug overdose, brought on by suicide.
Much like the rest of your works, the way you have written this is so bleak, and so pessimistic it can be labelled as nihilistic, with no light shining through at all. I thought the use of "depressed girl" was a tad unnecessary, because if "thoughts of suicide wander", then we already know she is depressed.
Now comes more character development, to the extent of her mental health (which I can only assume is really unstable). I feel that you have outlined her reasons/incentives for suicide effectively and successfully, and reaching her final solution, to overdose on pills.
Her mental disintegration is gradual ("slips away"). The inevitability of her death, or so it appears to her, is getting closer. I think that by this point in the poem, you drove the point home a bit too forcefully, and it does seem in some sections you do lose a bit of momentum.
Ohhhhh so the "pill bottle" was a metaphor. Well, I find the metaphor to be too "real" to the subject matter, because reading this I got a bit confused. I assumed she overdosed and didn't slit, but oh well. In saying that, this is probably my favourite part of your poem, especially your use of visceral language in "sawing".
In the thrill of the moment, she has regrets (at least I garnered that from the cries for help) but is so isolated from society, that no one notices and- from the tone of the poem- no one will care. Personally, I find this view to be a bit too dark, which is ironic coming from me! XD I assume she didn't really say goodbye, but if she did, who did she say goodbye to? I would like to see you expand into that territory.
Overall, a very good poem. A jet black poem, but that's not a bad thing.
Sarai does not like it
Hey! XD
The ideas you have here are great. Albeit, a little twisted.
The notion of setting this kind of work to that tune was actually rather humourous (that might just be me.)
I have said this before: there are a lot of suicide works on YWS. You do this one justice, especially with references to things like:
'Her mind was good as dead.'
But there needs to be some kind of hope on here somewhere doesn't there?
So yes, clever concept, which is well written, as you pointed out yourself the tune is a little off. The punctuation you've used clearly defines each point of reading, but I feel like this piece is missing any real character.
You're probably not meant to connect with someone who: 'was gone.' But I still felt it difficult to empathise because you didn't really set up the 'getting to know the character' kind of feel.
Either way, this was an intriguing idea.
Well done.
Hey there KissMe here to give you a review!!
So this is a very good poem I like it, I also love the tune 'Pop goes the weasel'. So grammar, spelling, and thought are just great. Your format is great as well. I can't find much I wanted to say something about in the whole thing! Now to the poem it's self, it has a sad meaning to it. I actually know people who are going through something like this, and it breaks my heart. I'm sorry if you do know someone who is going through this. But I can relate to this poem and I know others will too, so good job on that. That is all I had to say about it. Thank you for posting this work on here.
Keep writing and follow your dreams!!
~KissMe
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. It made me remember a friend who this scenario was his reality. Depression is one of the hardest things to tackle and nobody can really help except for the individual their self. Unfortunately, the person died, and that is scary to me because i could have lost him the same way. Overall, very good piece.
Review time! Let's see what we can do!
It actually does go quite well with the rhythm. I only saw one nitpick and I made a few suggestions.
On the whole, this was awesome. Too bad she had to die. This happens to a great many of people who's pleas aren't heard and are ignored. This is very realistic and also very saddening. Excuse me while I go blow my nose. Great job and keep writing!
-lost
May I ask about the suggestion of 'doe go'? It sounds... off to me.
It just seems right to me.
I think that mine in the first line is supposed to be mind