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by SecreteJournalist

"Finally I'll be free," I thought as I jumped.
In a dark room my body struggled, then slumped.

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170 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 170

Sun Feb 23, 2014 11:20 am
deleted5 wrote a review...

Hey Secrete! Alex here from the Majestic Icicles to review your work!
I'm trying to guess what this poem is all about, I have to admit, it is quite short! I think it is about someone who kills themselves so I'll go with that. Correct me if I'm wrong :P
I like the simplistic nature to this with the little rhyming pattern making the shock of this person "Slumping" even more apparent. Very interesting!
Since this poem is so small I can't really see much wrong with this! I would not make this bigger it is fine as it is!
See ya!
-Remember the Frozen Reviewers.

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Sun Feb 23, 2014 3:00 am
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niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there SecreteJournalist! Niteowl here to drop some Frozen Fahrvergnugen on a fellow Icicle! :)

Now, this is a morbid little couplet. I mean that in a good way of course. Perhaps it could be expanded on, but it works pretty well in this form as well. The line lengths also match, which is pretty important for rhyming poems.

I like how the two lines both convey death but in different ways. The first line suggests that the subject chose to die, that he is jumping because he wants to be free. The second line suggests a more passive death, like something is killing him whether he likes it or not. I first thought of a death row inmate on the electric chair or lethal injection. However, it could work for other deaths too, like a drug overdose. The language also suggests that by the time his body is dead, he is long gone from it.

Overall, this is short but...well sweet isn't really accurate, is it? :P Anyway, this showed some interesting contrasts about death and how we perceive it. Not bad for two lines! Keep writing! :)

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49 Reviews

Points: 398
Reviews: 49

Sat Feb 22, 2014 1:21 am
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thehotinpsychotic wrote a review...

Hey, thehotinpsychotic here to review!

I loved this, but I really wish it were longer. It was too brief for my taste, and I feel like while this would've been a fantastic ending, it's not quite enough to stand on it's own. I suggest you go back and add in reasons why she's doing this, what's rushing through her head. I love how simple this is, and I feel like it'd be so dark and beautiful after a descriptive paragraph or so.

Grammar nitpicks: The only thing is that 'free' should have a comma after it, not a period. And, this is more of a phrasing critique, but a comma after 'struggled' would've been suffice.

Keep writing poetry, which I'd be happy to review!

Thanks for the review! And the reason it's so short, is because it's an couplet poem. Its a form of really short poetry.

A memorandum isn't written to inform the receiver, but to protect the writer.
— Dean Acheson