Stay with me, until I fall asleep.

Hi!

Okay so maybe a capital H in heart for the first line?
My favorite line was 'Breathing isn't thought of in death'
Overall I liked it and everyone else already nitpicked it so, goodjob!





~mari<3

Hello! This is Renn, and I'd like to give you my thoughts on your poem! Don't worry, it's mostly (kidding) good news. I very much like this. It's abstract and yet so simple and clear, yet you don't spell it out to make the audience feel stupid. You gave the audience just the proper amount of trust. You're good at that. Now here I go, line by line- I'll try to format it so it's clear.

heart beats are a nervous flutter,
--- I like punctuation. And capitalization. It's a little thing, but it makes a big difference with how it is presented. So the 'H' is heart beats would be capitalized. This is a good start to a poem, yet not a very strong one.

can flit away at the slightest touch.
--- I feel like it would flow better if it was instead, "Flitting away at the slightest touch."

it's hard to keep it going,
--- Remember to capitalize each first word of a line. It feels weird to type it as such because it's in the middle of a sentence (I know, it bugs me too) but it makes it look much better. It's a solid line, but try it with 'So hard' instead of "It's hard." It's your poem though do what you like!

when the world is being torn apart.
--- Good line!

breathing isn't thought of in death,
--- Hmm... I'm confused. But it may just be me. Sound cool though! And not everything in a poem needs to make sense.

it's forgotten in the mix.
--- Ah! I see. Clarified now. Thank you.

hands are cold to begin with,
--- Hrmph. This feels awkwardly worded. You're a good writer, and poet, you can do better than awkward wording! I have faith.

always needing warmth.
--- This made me smile. A lot. It brings nice thoughts to my mind in the middle of a dark, sad, troubled poem. But I like all the turmoil.

holding on never stopped anything
--- You need to end this with some kind of punctuation, maybe a hyphen (-). But this line is very good. Deep, man....

it'll always slip away.
--- Oh so depressing. But in a good way.

close your eyes and pray
--- End with punctuation. Good imagery.

keep close to your soul so it doesn't fly away.
--- STRONG ENDING! (standing ovation)

Hey, Sparkie! - I know, cheesy nickname- But...I'm here to review you're poem!

Alright, so I loovvvee the titel, made me want to read it instantly because it reminded me of a One Direction song - and you know me < 3 love 'em - and had to see what you've done!

I like how unique you've made it as well, very outspoken and calrified to begin with, though sometimes you need that for a good writer, right? Which you are, so that's a good thing. You seperated each line equally, which made it easier to read and then you added comma's. Very good, thinking. My favorite line had to be this one:

breathing isn't thought of in death,

Your title reminds me of the song Kiss it all Better by He is We.

I once read a line in a book, which beautifully depicts a modern man crying out in anguish. Not tortured because he is in a desperate need of bread, or shelter, but instead:” A man breathing, without a soul.”

This poem brought me back to this theme of the decayed soul, the corrupt world; the torn apart world, to quote from this poem.
I like how the poet associates the life of the heart, its continuous beating, with the life of the inner self. As if he wanted to say; if you crave for sins and corruption you are doomed to death. Spiritual vanishing becomes a direct cause of forgetfulness and indulgence:
” Breathing isn’t thought of in death,
it’s forgotten in the mix.”

The closure of the poem, the ultimate rhyming couplet, is a latent burst uttered by the poet for the hope of restoring order into an already chaotic world.