self harm triggers-- and obviously, the tangled web quote isn't mine xD
"Oh what a tangled web we weave..."
the dried blood under her knuckles
from scratching at things
lots of things
things that should be left alone.
picking at it for the longest time
eventually the scabs won't heal
eventually the blood won't stop flowing.
she'd rather die than stay here
rather sleep than exist
rather fly than fight.
she sings songs of metaphorical value
writing them on her skin
scribbling every thought and feeling
that could ever exist.
she writes poetry about the broken
the beaten
and the dammed
she's not one of them, she thinks
she promises she's not.
the dead skin lays in flakes around her sleeping head
she picked and picked until there was nothing left
an empty shell
a hardened apparition
she doesn't exist anymore.
It tore her apart, the deceit she perpetrated
It ripped her soul right down the middle
ragged threads hanging in bloodied tatters.
She regrets it, she really does
she wishes she hadn't done it
but what's done is done.
the last puzzle piece is missing
collecting dust under the bed
the corner has been chewed on
the dog did that long ago
the picture it painted is hazy
no one can see it anymore.
she sits and looks at the puzzle with it's missing piece
it's slowly driving her mad
it sits on her desk
taunting her
saying 'this is all you'll never have'.
If she can just complete the puzzle
maybe her repentance will be enough
maybe she'll have bled just enough.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave...
When first we practice to deceive."
Hi Sparks!
So, the person above me gave a pretty extensive review with some great pointers. Mostly, they dealt with the writing style/phrasing/descriptions, so I'm gonna try to help you out with the more nit-picky stuff.
First of all, though, I like this poem. Sure, there are a few redundant bits and catches in the rhythm, but overall I like the idea and the sentiment and emotions behind it. I get the impression that this poem means something special to you, so let's take care of some tiny things, shall we?
First off, in the first stanza:
"the dried blood under her knuckles
from scratching at things
lots of things
things that should be left alone."
Maybe you mean fingernails rather than knuckles? I don't think a person can scratch with their knuckles.
"she writes poetry about the broken
the beaten
and the dammed
she's not one of them, she thinks
she promises she's not."
"Dammed" should be spelt "damned". Otherwise, it means dammed as in "beaver dam". xD Also, if this is a reference to The Black Parade by MCR, I freaking love you. <3
"It tore her apart, the deceit she perpetrated
It ripped her soul right down the middle
ragged threads hanging in bloodied tatters.
She regrets it, she really does
she wishes she hadn't done it
but what's done is done."
The rest of the poem doesn't capitalize the beginning of phrases...for the sake of continuity, you may want to fix the capitalized "it"s and "she".
Well, that's all I've got for you today. Sorry this is all such trivial stuff...I hope it helped. You've got a promising piece here...good luck!
Sarah
thanks love <3
Hi there, Sparky.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
Whoo, this is long. Honestly, I think that a lot of the first bit is totally unneeded. I would start in the stanza that starts with "the dead skin lays in flakes around her sleeping head." It gets good after that, but before that, it's just an exhaustive description of picking scabs of old scars, and that's been so done before that I can't tell you. If you add in one or two lines (one or two words, really), it'll be clear that she self-harms if you start where I recommend.
I'll still go through the first part, though.
Now, I don't know where the quote came from at the beginning, but you need to find out. Also, if you're going to reference a My Chemical Romance song in the middle of the poem, you're going to need to give them credit, too. Always credit your sources.
This line is rather wordy. Also, I don't like the phrase "sleeping head." I think you could say something like "the scabs lay in flakes on her pillow." It would also get rid of the sudden slant rhyme between "head" and "left." Make sure you don't accidentally rhyme in a poem that wasn't planned that way.
This line was a bit jarring in the way it was written. It's sudden and doesn't match the style of the rest of the poem, really. I also think that you did a pretty fair job of showing that she doesn't exist in the preceding stanza, and that you could easily remove this line.
This stanza is wordy and run-on-y. Also, I don't think that "perpetrated" is exactly the right word here. If I were to rewrite this stanza in a clearer manner, I might write it like this:
"Her deceit ripped her soul
right down the middle;
the ragged threads hung
in bloodied tatters."
The second line here is redundant, really. If someone regrets something, they wish they hadn't done it. Also, this stanza is devoid of all imagery. Add some to add vibrancy.
I really like the puzzle metaphor. I think you should introduce the puzzle piece earlier in the poem so we can get a feel for the main contenders in the poem without having to get to the end.
The punctuation in the third to last stanza should be like this:
While I'm on the topic, this stanza is rather choppy, as well. I'd write it more like this:
"The last puzzle piece
collects dust under the bed,
where it cowers from the puppy
that left teeth marks on the
hazed picture it once held."
The ideas are more connected here than before.
Make sure that you connect all of your ideas more smoothly; incorporate them into one another, and you'll have a much more finished feeling poem. I hope that this review was helpful to you. If you have more questions, or ever need to talk, feel free to PM me any time. Happy writing!