hmm.. Yes, I want it to be one long line. And I do want there to be no punctuation and no capitalization. Hashtag stylistic choices. Enjoy, darlings! Reviews are always appreciated xx
every single day
i try and learn something new
today i learned that the stars aren't always right
sometimes things are written there
that don't come true
the ribbons and bows don't always make a gift better
though baby
they sure do make it pretty
sometimes no matter how hard you try there's always going to be
that question in the back of your mind
is the only reason this is working
because of the tape
holding together the broken mirror (of a heart)
my heart
hold it in both hands
and i'll try and remember where i placed my soul
it's somewhere on the floor
i know that much
tangled in clothes from last night
dropped in the passion we tried to grab
but it didn't work
did it
because it's gone
and it won't be coming back
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140,812 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Oh sparkers, how you have changed!
And changed in a good way, of course. Your style is more organic, less structured, and delves a little deeper into the intrinsic emotion that comes with tapping out of formal diction.
Which is why it's nice to see you stepping out of those predetermined strike marks some poets find themselves unable to surpass. The box is wide open when it comes to poetry, so sticking inside of it even still is never a good way of finding the greater extents of the english language.
In any case, I'm quite happy to see the growth in your work. It goes to show what practice and patience can do.
Now, as for the criticism.
I don't know if I like some of the word choices you used to start off this poem. For instance, running into the thick of the topic by expounding on 'every single day' like it's a torture. Like there should be so much emphasis on the idea that it's almost bewilderingly obstructive to the actual thick of what you're trying to say. It's too 'in your face' when the topic itself should stand of its own accord. I would suggest, if you want the sentiment of consistency to flow through, to possibly slide it in. For instance;
"i try and learn something new everyday"
it may not give that immediate punch that I'm sure you were hoping for, but it doesn't shut the reader out before getting into the more juicy bits, and in turn creates a build-up throughout the piece instead of the inevitable wind-down you've got now.
I didn't like the use of 'though baby'. It was tossed in for continuity but ended up directing the words towards someone near gratefully. I don't want to know if this is supposed to be said in earnest. I just want to feel the words for what they're saying, and determine on my own whether it be something of a consolation or a tear down.
The imagery near the end where you go into 'heart' and 'soul' seems, again, a little heavy-handed. What even is a soul is the question we should be prying open, or a heart but a bloody organ that keeps you moving. Don't play the cliches because they work. Use your diction to create your own verse, your own idea of what it is to lose. Then this will ache.
Anyways, it's great to see you growing. Feel free to shoot me a pm if you have any questions;
Much love, as always
~ Walker
Thanks my darling!
<333
Hey this Elizabeth1 and I'm here to give you a review!
I'm excited to read more of your work!
First off, I think your style of making this poem an entire stanza/line was pretty cool. It distinguishes your work and for some reason I feel as though it helps your poem and the meaning of it; I like that. However I'm used of reading poems in your standard poem structure, but i was still able to read your poem and it still flowed wonderfully which is important.
I read your poem twice trying to figure out the meaning of it and why you chose that tittle. I think I have an understanding of what you were writing about, but I don't know if my interpretation is correct or not so here it goes:
I think your poem was about a materialistic girl (judging by the tittle) that has a broken heart. Also that everything that is beautiful and happy in the outside isn't always the reality in the inside. Sometimes the beauty you see in the outside is mask to hide the true feelings and reality of the inside. That's just my interpretation, but I can be completely wrong, so if you can correct me on this that would be awesome!
You're a great writer and I really enjoyed your poem a lot. There's not much that I would suggest although I will say that maybe putting the poem in stanzas would really help the reader understand the poem better; but this is your style and I respect that
thank you, darling!
let me begin
Nice,little, Didnt fully understand it
Dr.Strangelove gives you!
5.6/10
Good job
hey!
its a nice poetry. the length is also good. stanzas are properly placed on right positions. i enjoyed your poetry from top to bottom. you started with fine line, and told us something new about stars, which is appreciable. readers want creativity from the poet, and you have done a tremendous job, in filling lot of creativity.......grt. but ur poetry is not matching with ur title......why?
i want to know.....PM me plz. or i am missing the point.....
overall grt stuff.......keep writing!