Young Writers Society

Hey there,
Loved this peice but I must agree that it seemed to be over to quickly. I would have like it to go on a little longer but great work anyway. To me it was special, I could feel the overall emotion of sadeness and the pain of saying goodbye. I know I'm not the best reveiwer but I hope my comments helped Good Luck with future writing!
Wiz

hey Kayla here!!

So I like this story. Or letter. I loved how you could see what was going on in your mind. The readers could just relate to this story. It just speaks to the heart. It makes you think that all of us take our lives forgranted.

The emotions in this is vibrant. It's like fireworks, emotions, feelings, descriptions, everything. It's just great. I'm not sure what else to say.

Great story/letter.

--Kaylaa<3

Hello there

I'll start with some nitpicks.

I write this letter, knowing that when you read it, I will be dead. I always knew I had a limited time on this earth, the doctors told me that when I was seven years old. They said, “You have ten years at the most to live.” Can you imagine how I felt at seven, being told that I was going to die before I reached my eighteenth birthday? I was devastated. I had always wanted to be an explorer and here I was, being told I couldn’t be because my blood wasn’t able to stand up to time. They said I had fola gorm, which meant blue blood in Irish. The doctors explained that some people, and this was very rare, had the drops of blue blood along with scarlet. Apparently, the blue drops slowly ate away at my insides, killing me. I was afraid, so afraid. I watched my life pass, till I reached my seventeenth birthday. I sat in our apartment, waiting to die. It didn’t happen. It didn’t happen the next day, week, month or year. The doctors were flabbergasted. “How?” they said to each other. “How?” but no one had the answers. I rejoiced, my parents rejoiced. They did more tests and gave me another deadline. Eight years. This time, I wasn’t going to watch my life slip away. God had given me another chance and I was going to take it. I joined the football team, got a beautiful girlfriend, I was convinced that I could live a lifetime in eight years. Eight years passed. My twenty-sixth birthday. I sat with you, my best friend on my couch, eating birthday cake, waiting to die. It didn’t happen. Not for three months. I was overjoyed! Maybe I could live. Maybe God had decided I could live! I bent down on my knees, and thanked him.

This time, I wasn’t going to watch my life slip away. God had given me another chance and I was going to take it. I joined the football team, got a beautiful girlfriend, I was convinced that I could live a lifetime in eight years.

This is really depressing! I liked it, though.

I think it would be a lot better if you added paragraphs. It would make it easier to read, and easier to understand. If it had been longer, I might not have kept reading because it was so scrunched together I couldn't concentrate.

I also agree that there should be more information in it, like what he did until he was 18, or something like that. Also, what is his parents input? I never really saw anything about them. What did they say when they found out he was going to die?

I guess it's a letter, so he probably wouldn't talk about that stuff. But I think you could put a little more in, since it's not really a letter, it's a story.

Great job! I hope this helped..!

'Ello 'ello, here for a review!

Okay, so this is a lovely story; I'm a fan of tragic love tales, and this one fits the bill perfectly! However, I think you could have really expanded upon this and added more details just to get the reader more involved. Your word limit was for 6,000 words, if I remember right, and there's a lot you could have done in that space.

Even though this is a letter, it doesn't have to feel so tell-ish; you can just as easily show things by having Mark write about their times together, memories, how he felt during the whole time and maybe how she helped him through those difficult times. I'd like to see a little more development between the two main characters, just so we have some kind of an anchor point to realize just why he comes to find that he loves her so much. How has she changed his life and made it better? Little things that'll make it sweeter and sadder when he does die.

Also, I'd emphasize her name at the beginning; you start the letter off with "Dear Heart," and Azila and I weren't quite sure at first whether you were referring to Grace by that name, or if he was writing to someone else, or to himself. Since the title's "Amazing Grace," I'd say really try to tie in that name and make it clear that the whole letter is being addressed to her and that she's the receiver of it.

All right, so that's all I've got to say. Thanks again for entering, and keep on writing! Cheers! =)

Not much on the relationship of Mark and Sarah. Is it just there? Like, is it just supposed to be the backround of the story, or does it show more about it? The characters didn't have much backround, just 1 or 2 memories about them. Not to be mean or anything, but they seem like this head-over-heels couple, but his last words to her were the backround of his disease? But it was a good start. How is she going to react? Is he going to live? Good plot, good start/

Hey Pointe. Shrubs here to review. Sorry but I'll have to give a quick review.

Love love love,
Mark

About the only thing I found wrong was the fact that it was much too short and quick. Not fast-paced, just...over too quickly.
If I knew I was going to die within hours, then my letter realistically would be something like this, short and to the point. However, as this is a story, you should really give us something to mull over.
For instance, where you say "I watched my life pass, till I reached my seventeenth birthday." you never mention exactly how the MC let their life pass. It's in contrast to this sentence, "I joined the football team, got a beautiful girlfriend, I was convinced that I could live a lifetime in eight years." which describes about the MC's life after he resolved not to let it go to waste.
Anyways, I'll any other points of notice for Shurbs to get.

Sorry Shrubs,
Jenth

Heya!

Alright, so I liked this. I am a fan of dramatic pieces, and it does not get more dramatic then death does it? =)
The blue blood thing is an interesting idea. I am not sure if it is all that realistic scientifically, but I'm not overly concerned, really more intrigued then anything else. Is that a real disease, or did you use creative license?

I do have a few suggestions. The first has to do with the genre. It does not really seem all that urban to me. To me, urban is the city, the grit, the dark. This feels more like romance, albeit a dark one. I definitely think you could morph this into a more urban piece, though. Maybe if you put more emphasis on the setting or your characters? I think it would certainly help if you stressed an urban environment.

Also, I might rethink the letter format. Mark is writing this to his girlfriend right? Presumably, these are the last words that he will ever get to communicate to her. Would he spend that time relating his medical history? Maybe he would, but I feel like Sarah would know all of that already, you know? It feels like that information is just there so your reader will understand, instead of a natural reaction to the events; it feels a little forced. If you decide to stick with the letter format, I might switch this up a bit. What does Mark want his last words to be? What does he want to say?

I'd like to talk about your characters. I think you have an interesting person here. Mark is dying of an obscure disease, has been dying of an obscure disease for nearly his entire life. That has to have a major effect on his personality. The anxiety of thinking you are going to die any day, that must be terrible. How has living with this issue effected him? Really, I would like to see more of his voice in this piece. I think you have a character that has a unique perspective, if more of that perspective came out in the writing, I think it will be really interesting. What is like affected by a disease like this?

Related to that is your character's relationships. I feel like Mark and Grace have this kind of head-over-heals, passionate, deep love. Mark realizes that he loves Grace as he is dying. Wow. That is really powerful thing. However, I didn't really feel much for him. I think that's because I didn't really get to see the relationship in action. It is just kind of there, we are told it exists, kind of like it is in the background. I feel like their relationship is supposed to be the big thing in this piece, what it revolves around, and it should have more power than it does. I might flesh that relationship out some more. Right now, it's rather vague, I think if you made it more concrete and real, it would be easier for people to care about that relationship.

So overall, I liked this piece. I think that you have a very interesting set-up, and a very interesting main character, tons of potential. I might just flesh it out a little more. PM me if you have any questions or comments!

Audrey

Awww, this is so sad! It made me want to cry! He's not dead, right? Is he still alive? PLEASE TELL ME HE'S STILL ALIVE!!!

Ahem, sorry. Anyway, I loved this a lot. Sorry I don't have any constructive criticism...it was just great.