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139,661 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
I'll do a stanza by stanza reveiw for you
I really like this. (I;m going to put syllable counts after each line)
In 10...9...8...
They don't see the destruction that you see, 9
crumbling before you(r*) eyes. 7
They don't understand what you're crying for, 10
'cause your eyes are dry. 5
I'll talk about syllable counts at the bottom, but this stanza starts off the poem extremely well.. I like the way it pulls you in. Also, there is a very small spelling error. the R on your is missing. One last thing, you set a rhyme scheme of ABCB, try to stick to it!
7...6...5...
Careful what you wish for because these thoughts are broken glass, 14
cutting through the bare feet of dreams that tread so softly. 11
A pile of dust that's carried with the wind along the shore 14
This stanza kind of confused me. The previous stanza talked about seeing destruction and crying, but this one talks talks about completely different things. Also, you dont follow your rhyme scheme in this stanza.
4...3..
There's not much left to say 6
All the words are gone from your cracked lips 9
once perfected with the lipstick of lies. 9
This stanze seems like it would go much better with stanza one, its just number two that left me confused.
2...
Did you just close your eyes? 6
At this point, full on confusion. I don't understand what's going on because of all of the different things you are writing about.
1...
Goodbye 2
Your syllable count should be a lot less spread out. It seems very choppy by the end. I do like the idea of a countdown though.
The countdown is really weird for me! Like, in one way I could see how it works to space the numbers out more and more slowly, but the poem actually works against that. Instead of spreading out the feeling in the final seconds, it instead rushes through them. Like you know how teachers count down from five to get students to behave, but they slow down on three, two, and one to give the students a longer/better chance anyway? In that same way, I feel like it might be more effective to slow the moments before the ending instead of speeding them through so we don't really feel it? Just consider the option, I guess.
The next thing is I feel like you're confused about your point of view. You're using "you", but although it feels in the first stanza as if you're talking to one person, the second stanza feels like you are that one person talking out to a general population "you", which really throws off my sense of any kind of narrative throughout this, which there obviously is. If you're going for a "you" to one person, it doesn't make sense to say "careful what you wish for because these thoughts are broken glass". That brings in the "I" sense, when you say "these thoughts". That's what brings in the sense of the you suddenly speaking. Who do "these" thoughts belong to? "These" is too close to work with a one person to one person sort of "you".
Now, BESIDES all of that, everything else is confusing, too. The words are pretty, but don't quite string to one another, and thus don't evoke much for me. I like parts of it, like calling it "bare feet of dreams" and the image of that paired with broken glass, but adding angel's wings seems like over kill. Dreams is already abstract enough that it can carry any other concrete nouns you put with it into prettiness.
I also like the image of dust blown along shore, but pairing that with "lust" makes it confusing and vague. Instead of evoking the simple emotion that the concrete image would bring, adding "lust" makes us think we're supposed to find something deeper. To be honest, if you want this poem to be about something deeper you need to add a lot more of it to what you have on the surface, or your reader will not find the hints to get into your inner thought process. Give us keys to get in. Give us plainer language; it still stays beautiful.
Lastly, I know you were going for mystique by saying "the lipstick of adulterated lies", but adulterated messes it all up. Lies are already pretty adulterated. They adulterate the truth. So modifying "lies" that way makes it seem like, again, overkill. Think of a better word.
Consider all these things. You have a ways to go, but I'm confident you can get there with a bit more effort.
Send me a PM or leave me a wall post if you have any questions, please. Good luck!
Hey Spark! I'm going to give you a quick stanza by stanza review. By no means am I a poetry expert, but I'll do my best. This poem is stylized in an interesting way. I really like the idea you have going on!
Okay, first stanza!
In 10...9...8...
They don't see the destruction that you see,
crumbling before you eyes.
They don't understand what you're crying for,
'cause your eyes are dry.
This stanza is good, but I don't really like the pairing between the first and second line. I understand what you were saying, but the way I read it, 'destruction' and 'crumbling' paired off, and that felt funny because destruction doesn't really crumble. I'm nit-picky and weird, but I think if you used a stronger verb than 'crumbling' this stanza would be a lot better.
7...6...5...
Careful what you wish for because these thoughts are broken glass,
cutting through the bare feet of dreams that tread so softly where lost angel's wings are left to die.
A pile of dust and lust that's carried with the wind along the shore.
This stanza is great. My only complaint is that the lines are a little long compared to the choppy, fast action of the first stanza. But I really love the visual. If there were a way you could make it more compact but keep the awesome imagery, I think that would help this stanza.
4...3..
There's not much left to say
All the words are gone from your cracked lips
once perfected with the lipstick of adulterated lies.
I like this stanza until the last line. For some reason lipstick seemed a little funny to me, but like I said, I'm weird. I think this stanza is fine how it is. The last line is technically okay, and my only complaint about it is a matter of opinion.
2...
Did you just close your eyes?
1...
Goodbye.
I can't really say anything about this last two lines. They're fine how they are!
Great job Spark! Keep up the awesome work. I hope my review was helpful.
There is a lot of emotion put into this I can tell. I like how you used the count down to split your stanzas. I also like how as your poem went on it got shorter and shorter. I could clearly visualize everything you described. Great Poem.