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139,498 Literary Works • 672,589 Reviews
I really like the posture of the story. I like how you added a twist to your ending, although i think that you wanted to rush the ending. For example:
this isnt your story but i just made it up, perhaps with theh example you can make it that the narrorator wanted to be really go freinds and she couldnt take it so she killed herself to be with Larry. Thats a carry on story, a crry on is where you think it is going to end but you add a twist to it, i am not going to repeat the whole story or carry on the whole story im jjust going to add some things to the example.
So thats what i mean. I dont mean to be harsh but I just think that its better that way in your story. Thanks and i hope you enjoyed my comment!
Pixie~
Well, this was an interesting take on Hansel and Gretel. :D
I wish there was a better transition between Gramm looking out her window to Gramm introducing herself. Also, I find the last two sentences very awkward compared to the others they way they're phrased. They're confusing. For example: "Better"...she makes candy better than what, exactly? I would rewrite these sentences like something like this: I'm quite a good cook. But, I'm best at making candy. And out of all the meals I make, desert is my favorite.Minor grammatical corrections/words you could consider adding on to your sentences in the quotes are in red. Specific sentences that I talk about under the quotes are in bold.
Cute! I like the descriptions of the children's faces and the dialog between them and Gramm. It would be really cool if you could describe the house more. :3 I also wish you could add some more hints right here to what the children really are, even though I know you start hinting a few sentences later.
Change what name to Vampire Lollipops? What is Gramm talking about? Explain more.
Can you make it clearer who's talking in the first bold sentence? What I mean is adding on something like "the boy replied". Also, it would be great if you could describe more about how the girl starts to morph into a werewolf. The second sentence about her nose getting longer seems totally random just sitting there all by itself. I think you should add on more descriptions, or take that sentence out completely.
I liked this! Present tense actually worked out pretty well in this story. But, make sure to proofread and spell check next time. This draft is rough; some sentences could also be rephrased and improved here and there.
Nice idea, thanks for the read-
Kae
hey, wow, you have written an interesting story here, with lots of twists and suprises! You had a few typos in your short story and i wasn't very sure if you did it on purpose or what....i really loved reading your story, it was entertaining and with suspense. it is nice how you led the reader to think that the old lady was the evil one but it was amazing how you used a old fairytale and added some contemporary elements such as fantasy characters like werewolves. Again, i thought it was very well written and i think you should post more of these stories!