Published August 18, 2013
I wrote this over a year ago, thus it's not the best I've ever done. However, I really like the idea of it. So tear it apart, ignore it, do what you wish.
The Best Thing About This Poem is the Title
Cut corners,
no one's going to notice.
If you fall with out grace,
no one will care.
*
Slip into another's skin
no one is going to hear
because your screams in the night aren't loud enough.
Did you think they were listening when you sobbed to the stars?
*
Stupid girl, lose your mind in silence like you're supposed too.
Everyone is better off without your words fogging up the page.
Stupid girl, hide away in your heart like you're told too
They'll fly away without you, your misery not floating on their wings.
*
Scrap away your smile from yesterday,
paint on a new one.
You're acting for everyone
but they don't believe you.
*
They pity you.
*
You'll try and try not to show everything your heart says,
but one day someone will make you trust them
and then they'll find the script tattooed inside your mind,
and use it against you.
As if you didn't need another scar.
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Hello!
I think this needs to be without - maybe it was intended as a play on words but in which case, what was the aim? With out has no second meaning so splitting it like that doesn't achieve anything as far as I can see?1. The title= love. I haven't read the poem so I can't tell you if it's true yet but I love it and somewhat hope it's not!
2.
3. I'm not sure how slipping into another's skin connects with screaming - why is this person screaming? The fall without grace fits with the cutting corners because cutting corners is a bad thing and that could well be a consequence, but how is screaming a consequence of slipping into another's skin of being someone else? The last two lines of stanza two are also too prosaic and could be made more poetic.
4. I'm not sure how the title connects to the piece? At first I thought that with the cutting corners, it would be about breaking rules and about using one's wits to protect you, but it isn't and I can't draw the two together, which is disappointing.
5. The third stanza feels too preaching. Like 'you should obviously care about this girl because I'm being mean to her, see watch me be mean'. I don't think there's any unique imagery, instead it's filled with 'silence' 'wings' 'heart' 'fly away'. It needs to be more interesting, more powerful.
6. The imagery in the fourth stanza is a little over-used too - there's always something about false smiles or removing your smile. This whole pretending to be happy when you're not. It's a common image because it's something everyone has felt and is easy to relate to, but you need to make it your own. How else can you describe someone as acting like something they are not? You can compare them to a mannequin or there was one poet who wrote about factory girls and described them as coming off the lines etc. Basically, you need to start thinking around your subject and choosing images which are unique to the way you see the world, otherwise it's just repetitions of things we've heard before.
Overall
This started well with a strong title and a first stanza which was gripping and seemed to know what it was saying, but I couldn't connect with the rest of the poem. I didn't understand where the title came into it, who the persona was or really what the poem was trying to say. On the surface it seems like your average poem about a lonely teenager who pretends to be something they're not and puts up walls. But what is her individual story? What makes this unique and seriously, where does the title come in?
I hope that helps a little!
Heather xx
Hey there! Cailey here with a review!
I think this poem deserves a title.
Someone is singular, and they is plural. So you've got a plural inconsistency there. It should be and he'll find or she'll find or something.)
I really like this! It made me feel so sad, and I wanted to run up and find the girl and tell her none of it was true. It was amazing how you never really said anything about the girl, and yet by the end I had an image of her in my mind and I could identify with her.
My first advice is to give this lovely poem a title. Your given title is, well, slightly misleading.
You've also got some typos, just little misspelled words and missing punctuation or added punctuation, but it should be easy to find and fix.
I wish I had some more advice for you, but at the moment I can't find anything to say. That's a good thing, since it means this was good. Oh, I will show you my favorite lines:
"and then they'll find the script tattooed inside your mind,"
(and after I copied that I found another mistake.
"Everyone is better off without your words fogging up the page."
So not true at all, but I love the line. It was my favorite.
I guess that's all. Hope this helped some.
Let me know if you need anything, and keep on writing!
Well, Spark, you may not know what this is, and I do not either. That's what makes this poem unique and why I enjoy reading it so much.
The wording is really all you have to look at, is everything spelled correctly and whatnot.,well I can say everything is so, and that's wonderful. Your poem is great the way it is, whether you know what it is or not.
~The dark one.