Picket Fences and Blue Doors

Alrighty. One paragraph de moi to one paragraph de toi, and one at the end to wrap up.
Just so you know, I don't usually read a lot of free verse, so I'm trying to break my head out of rhyme-finding mode. And I don't actually know French, so if my sentence up there is wrong, I'm sorry.

Title is catchy. I think it does not need the dash - I would underline it, divide it from the work. Or, if you wanted to make a different statement, just leave it there before you start. Dash doesn't do anything for me though.

"I used to read a book, about the last supper and the holy grail"
In the spirit of being truly poetic, consider revising this as follows:
Either "I used to read a book [break] about the last supper and the holy grail," or just remove the comma.
"Staining pages black with holy days" is difficult imagery. Perhaps the same effect is possible with a simpler analogy? Say, for instance, "Pages stained black with (words) of holy days." I think you are not trying to say that the bible, literally, is staining pages (perhaps its own?) black with holy days.
Remove "and," use a pronoun or transitional punctuation. If you will allow me the honor, I might say "I read the road; I crossed my bible [break] your lipstick drew me up like charcoal" (Which is taking more license than I deserve, but you understand what I mean).

Remove "the" and "and." Like so: "Stains of Da Vinci on my shirt, proving/Broken hearts make exquisite paintings."
Capitalize "and," or just remove it. Also break before brackets (unless you are making a statement with the abnormally long verse?) "I lie (or lay?) broken at the foot of the stairs/[A painting that was]"
"written too many times" can be more active - "too many times rewritten" or "too many times o'er written."
I love the last line. "Like her charcoal smile."

Remove and from the beginning line of the next stanza- it does nothing for the art, I think.
"fly overhead us" is incorrect grammar. "Fly overhead of us" is correct, though. But "of" is an egregious two-lettered particle, so... Maybe not. "-_-
Actually, I rethought this. Keep the "And"s throughout this stanza, but be constant. I.e.; "And I pray the airplanes pass over us/fly over us, hiding stars and shielding moon./And I used to write my thoughts on paper, picket fences and blue doors." So keep the last line separate on purpose, to emphasize its conclusive significance.

As for the last line... That is your own. Keep in mind its power, and try to make surface all your strongest feelings about the poem. Altogether, this is really quite good! A few hitches, here and again, but such is the way of the poet. Not a one is perfect, no? Anyway, good luck, and hopefully my advice here is helpful!


~Skorlir

Hi there, Spark.

Holy cow. Wow. This was lovely. I have no idea about this Poetree game you speak of, but I'm going to review this poem just like any other.

I love the images that are all mixed up but still make sense. Gosh. I just had shivers all throughout the poem. And I love the way you tie it all together with the charcoal and the lipstick and the glass. Great.

Now to super nitpicky stuff. Seriously. I had to dig deep to find room for improvement.

About line breaks: you don't really want to end a line on a weak word. For example, in one of the lines in the first stanza, you end a line with "while." At the end of the line, ideally, there should be a tiny instance of thought to savor the preceding line. Ending on weak words like that tend to end the line on a not so savorable note. I think that once in while it's fine, and even benefits some poems. But in the lines I'll mention below, it isn't really working for me.
Here are the weak endings you should consider pushing to the beginning of the next line:

I read the road and crossed my bible, while

The stains of Da Vinci are on my shirt, proving that

And I pray the airplanes will pass over us
fly overhead us, hiding the stars and shielding the moon.

covered by the cheap lipstick.

Hello there here is a poor little squirrel all stuck up in a soot of armor and dose not even have enough of a sword to do much against this mighty poem.

OK first off I don't remember a grail in the bible but then again I am not the best bible reader and may not have read that part anyway.

What do you mean by

My bible was written on the road
staining pages black with holy days.