I might not live tomorrow

Hi, i'm a fairly new member of yws so i'll try my best to review your poem as well as i can.

Firstly your poem was very eye-catching you opening sentence was interesting which started the poem off well. But after that there were some weak ares of the rest of the poem which i'd like to adress.

"If you don't do this one simple thing for me, how will I be remembered," I think you should have made this a question because it leaves the reader wondering how and it would have made more sense and proper grammar. Your sentence, "floating through the halls of the greats like the gossip of the servants long dead by burning of lies" it was awkwardly long in comparison to the rest of you poem so if you could somehow shorten it by changing the words or something i think it'll have better presentation and won't drag as much.

"I want to be the one no one knows" Here, i think you should have said "I want to be the one Who no one knows" it just makes more sense to me.

I also like you last line but just a minor change i'd make is
"because i might not live till tomorrow" i think it's more effective that way in my opinion.

Overall great interesting and creative poem, keep writing!

-Infinity x

I saw this and it got added to my review list. Who knows why, but it did so you get to have the pleasure of my company for half an hour or so!

Specifics

1. Strong first line, okay you've got my attention.

2. I like the idea of wrapped in ice but splendour is weak. It's too vague and gives us little feedback and I'd like more of the ice theme/ imagery. That's very interlinked with death and trying to live forever anyway so I feel there's more to unlock there.

3.

so that they might freeze those who walk in riches.

floating through the halls of the greats like the gossip of the servants long dead by burning of lies.

Hello, SparkOfDoubt (can I just call you Spark?)

First, I must tell you, I'm not a poem myself, and therefore not a master in reviewing poetry, but I will do my best to give you my honest opinion *bows*

So. I liked this poem of yours very, very much. It's kind of dark and nostalgic, yet still has some spark of optimism in it. I think I will go line by line.


"If I die tomorrow,"
- well, you got me here already. Actually, you got me at the title already.

"leave my possessions wrapped in ice and splendor,"
- this reminds me a lot of a song I know. It's not in Egnlish, so I can't just write you the lyrics, but it says about "If I die young, plant on my grave only rosemary(...)" It's a nice song. They're not really connected much, but they have the same kind of atmosphere - if your poem was music, I could easily imagine it in the same tune as ths song.

"so that they might freeze those who walk in riches."
- This is just marvelously revengeful, smart and packed in awesome word order :3

"Make sure my name is a household topic,"
- This line portrays the natural need of people to be remembered, or better to not be forgotten. I like the fact that you didn't use any of those two words, though.

"floating through the halls of the greats like the gossip of the servants long dead by burning of lies."
- I have to say, it's not quite clear to me what you wanted to say with this line. I like it very much, it has this feeling of something royal and deep, and maybe the problem lays in the fact that I should have been sleeping hours ago. Please, do explain this line to me, if it isn't too much trouble.

"If you don't do this one simple thing for me, how will I be remembered,
how will I be received in the greatest social circles of Heaven and Hell?"
- two limes this time. Again, the wish to be remembered, and the insecurity in one's own self, both personality traits of every human being (even if they say it isn't so). Very simple, yet very true and kind of.. Enlightening?

"I want to be the one no one knows, but everyone's heard of,
so raise your glass and toast me when I'm dead,

because I might not live tomorrow."
- and the three last lines, as they're all a nice sentence to end the whole poem with. I especially like how you separated the last line, making a little pause before it. It gives it a special feeling of something kind of sad, yet at the same time enchanting.

All in all, I think you wrote a really nice piece here. Keep writing, as I'm pretty sure you will!

Kind regards,
Aria

Sparkledapple,

O-why, hullo! Let's get on with it.

Your choice of subject? Excellent. As for the italics, I'm not sure what to think of it. It doesn't really bother me, and as I was reading, I was wondering whether this was a flashback-y sort of diary entry, in any case, the italics are interesting. Aesthetically, it is pleasing - it gives it this 'swept away' look that goes pretty well with your theme, and I'm wondering what led you to make the decision of italicizing the whole poem?

The first line ('...leave my possessions') is excellent. My only beef with this line is that I don't know what "splendor" is. What is this splendor? I feel it is integral and I must know what it is.

Your second line ('...so they might freeze') gets it muddled for me. Is this line trying to say that the possessions which are wrapped in ice, is the thing that is freezing? Or is it trying to say that the possessions are so cold that it is going to freeze people who walk inside the house. And it just so happens that the people who walk in the house are those who are rich? Whut?

Your third line...okay ^^

Your fourth line ('...floating through the halls') is too long I don't mind long lines, but you can shorten this very sweetly, look:

floating through the great halls of the greats like the gossip of the servants long dead by burning of lies. (whut is burning, the servants? the lies? the gossip? or the thing that is floating [which is to say, the name?])

Your fifth and sixth lines? Nix them entirely. You don't need the hypothetical questions there at all, the idea is already being expressed in the lines before and after it.

Overall, a real ghost-y kind of poem, that makes me wonder if the speaker is already dead or is going to die. My favorite line is going to be the "gossip of servants" bit, I thought that was an excellent metaphor, very specific too, that's where I really felt drawn in. The only thing that really needs fixing is just the clearing up some of the confusion. Prepositions and all of these "in, by, who, to" stuff is daunting with poetry xD I want to eliminate them all completely, but alas. I'm not that good.

Anyway! The only thing that I would suggest as a way of improvement is that while the idea of the piece - this idea of one's existence being validated through the permanance of living on in the lives of others - I really love that theme. I like how this takes on a ghost quality in this poem, my only complaint is that as of now, this poem basically expresses what I just underlined. I get a small sense of experience, and I want more. I want to know who this speaker is. It's obvious he is rich, but is he a father, is he old, is he young, is he a lover? a misanthrope? Why should we feel or care about someone we don't know? And then, why should we remember him?

I need to know him to remember him, right?

~ as always, Audy

Hmm. There’s a lot going on here, isn’t there? What’s interesting is that the most solid of all the poem just seems to serve as almost forgettable bookends. Even though it’s the end, the beginning, and the title, we read and hardly seem to remember that this is a poem where someone’s talking about maybe being dead soon. That’s an interesting effect. Is it what you wanted? If not, bring in more mention/imagery of it in the main stanza thing.

Next, your descriptions are sort of off!
I think it has to do with wandering off when you start on one. You have two main images: the possessions in ice and the gossip. The first one starts normally: leave my possessions in ice, but then I don’t understand how that would freeze other people who have their own riches. Why would they be rooting around for his/her possessions? Also, this is mostly unrelated to the rest of the poem. I think you started with this and didn’t tie it in, so it’s very out of place.

The other topic, gossip, also starts normally: floating through the halls. But then suddenly it’s done by servants? What is this supposed to evoke? More images of riches? Class differences? And suddenly, too, these servants are dead, so how can they be gossiping, and not only that they were killed by the burning of lies? Not following at all, my dear! Give this poem a little more thought. Think: “What do I mean? What is this person thinking?”, and then get it out as clearly as possible, with as much grace as possible.

Also remind yourself why you’re writing the poem. What did you want to capture? What did you want to experience?

PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, as I don’t receive notifications about replies to reviews. Good luck, and keep writing!

When I first read your title, I was sorta praying you weren't serious (knee-jerk reaction sorry).
Then I read it and... I'm thinking that this is gonna be hard to review.

I usually don't try to review a poem when I'm lost for words.
But I'm gonna try anyway (trooper).

The imagery was staggering. You blended each verse so well with the other, tied together with thought, imagery and emotion I found violent and pretty at the same time.

"leave my possessions wrapped in ice and splendor,
so that they might freeze those who walk in riches.
Make sure my name is a household topic,
floating through the halls of the greats like the gossip of the servants long dead by burning of lies."

Aw man... this is mouthwatering. (ew)
Seriously though. Each verse made me stop and think, deciphering multiple meanings, picturing different situations. Confused me at first (I'll be honest) but didn't let me down an inch. I gotta say it's my favorite out of this poem.

You had me compare rich to poor, fame to insignificance, or what either of the two really meant. This is good stuff! (Why-How are you 16? I mean I'm like.. not sixteen...*sigh*)

"If you don't do this one simple thing for me, how will I be remembered,
how will I be received in the greatest social circles of Heaven and Hell?"

This stanza to me felt like comparing a marshmallow to a scorching shot of vodka.
But it tasted well together, strangely. Compared to the previous stanza this one felt darker and colder, especially paired together.
I mean, you told me of 'the greats' and made me think of famed actors, singers, sportsman and adventurers (whatever 'the greats' would entitle).
Then you made me think of Heaven and Hell (ergo, Marshmallow and Vodka), boy was that a switch. How will I be remembered anyway?
Good question... don't have the answer to yours OR mine.

"I want to be the one no one knows, but everyone's heard of,
so raise your glass and toast me when I'm dead,

because I might not live tomorrow."

Biased, I may be, but this is my favorite too.
I don't think there are many people who CAN'T relate to that first sentence.
Media, society, sometimes even family make us want to be idolized.
(The second sentence sorta reminded me of Pink's song, lol)

Gee, I'm REAL lucky I can't relate to that last sentence...
The horror of not seeing another day is one I can't and don't want to fathom, even more horrible knowing it IS a possibility. Cancer. Car crash. Accident. Sickness. Death.
(I need to do more with my life... like asap)

Thanks for writing this, I feel like I've been missing out on too many of your good posts.
Tell me when you post something else, I'd like to read more..

Writing this review left me with more questions than answers.
It made me dream a little of what mark I might leave on the world.
A short one no doubt
density//

Hiya! I'm not that great at reviewing poetry, but I wanted to let you know what I thought!

So, I thought this was amazing. You have a way of creating an image in the reader's mind and your words flow really well. The whole poem is kind of majestic and beautiful, but almost sad at the same time...or at least, that's what I got from it.

I think that the line, "floating through the halls of the greats like the gossip of the servants long dead by burning of lies" is very long, and sort of messes up the flow that you had going. Maybe just splitting up the line would work, like this:
"floating through the halls of the greats
like the gossip of the servants long dead by burning of lies"
I think it might also sound a little better and help the flow of the poem if you took out the "of" in the sentence, but that could be just me so you could leave it if you like it.

I also think that this line: "I want to be the one no one knows, but everyone's heard of" (which is an awesome line by the way, love it!) might sound better if you changed "everyone's" to the not contraction version: "everyone has". It seems to just match the other lines a little better, and helps the flow of the poem.

I love your imagery here, and I quite honestly can't pick out a favorite line because they are all amazing and well-written and I can tell you put a lot of thought into this. Or if you didn't, you have a very natural talent for this sort of writing!

Anyways, this poem was amazing and I can't wait to read more of your writing!
Keep writing
-Raelyn

Starleene here!


I have come to deliver a review! Yay! So let’s begin!



“If I die tomorrow,
leave my possessions wrapped in ice and splendor,
so that they might freeze those who walk in riches.”


Favorite line. Ever. This line is so full of elegance and old world charm! It’s beautiful. It entices me to think back to the times of gilded ceilings, wonderful soirees, and walks in the garden.


“Make sure my name is a household topic,
floating through the halls of the greats like the gossip of the servants long dead by burning of lies.
If you don't do this one simple thing for me, how will I be remembered,”


The second line is really tedious and long. It draws from the ambiance of the poem instead of adding to it. This lines really doesn’t fit into the flow of the work, maybe consider revising? Also, a question mark should be added at the end of remembered.


“how will I be received in the greatest social circles of Heaven and Hell?
I want to be the one no one knows, but everyone's heard of,
so raise your glass and toast me when I'm dead,
because I might not live tomorrow.”


Capitalize the (H) in “how.” Maybe you would consider choosing “Heaven or Hell,” it seems to fit the work better if you only choose one. I love, love, love the last lines! I like the picture you painted for the reader; the picture of a magnificent man/woman, clothed in beautiful clothing and lying in a bed of silk, delivering this soliloquy to their remaining relatives. Not weak and blubbering, but strong and firm, knowing exactly who they are and what they want done. It’s really majestic. I loved it! Just a couple changes and you’ll have a real masterpiece here!


I can’t wait to read more from you! Keep writing!


Good Luck! Happy Writing!


Starleene Out.