HEY!
this is for a contest, and I had to make a story out of a song. I chose A thousand miles by Vanessa Carlton, and I thought instead of a love story, we'll make it about a girl and her dog! PLEASE REVIEW!
A thousand Miles away
Enola walked down the street, her eyes clouding with tears. How could Adella, of all the dogs in the world, have attracted this cancer? The rain pelted her back, soaking her fleece jacket. Her wet black hair hung down in her face, blocking her tears from the people walking past. Good. She didn't want to see those happy faces, those worn faces, those sad. Wait, maybe the sad ones. Maybe she wouldn't feel so alone then. But as her father had told her as a child, Enola spelled backwards is alone.
Reaching the sidewalk in front of her empty apartment, Enola could feel herself shaking with memories,
like when she was eleven, and she had climbed up a tree, fleeing from teasing older brothers. Adella and circled the tree four times and sat at the foot, threating Cadell and Mark with her white teeth, or like the day Enola got some golden guppies, and Adella knocked over the bowl because they were taking over Enola's attention.
I've had that dog ten years, thought Enola. She’s saved me several times from doing something I shouldn't, kept me company when I was sick or lonely, and now, the one time she needed me, I couldn't be there. Maybe she was only downtown, but I felt like she was already heading to heaven in the sky.
Unlocking my apartment door, Enola wandered in and collapsed on the couch she had bought at a yard sale for ten dollars. The fluff was spilling out the sides, and the edges were threadbare. she slipped her Nikes off and let her feet sink into the soft cushy slippers that were on the other end of the couch, one toe chewed. When she caught sight of the chewed toe, she burst into tears, letting them fall freely down her face.
Maybe if she dies, I will to and I can follow her, Enola thought, I can't live alone. I can't. Not again.
All those nights Adella would wake her from a nightmare, her clumsy lab body sitting on top of Enola, as though she was still a puppy. If Adella died, there would be nothing there when she came home, no dog to lick her face when she walked in from a hard day at work.
"I have to save her! Some way!" She yelled, springing up and running to the door, in her slippers, she ran down the hall, down the cold metal stairs, and out into the rain, the water sloshing over her toes. She ran, towards downtown, where hopefully, she would reach the vet hospital, where, she prayed Adella would still be alive.
If she doesn't, it’s a sign from God. I don't belong. And I don't want to like dreaming of my dog the rest of my life. So, this is what it comes to, she thought as she reached the entrance. But I won't let her go.
"We're closed." the nurse said, looking Enola up and down.
"Just let me see her! She’s my dog! She may be dying. I have to see her."
"Are you Adella's owner?" the woman asked, a smile breaking out over her face.
Enola nodded,
“Right this way."
Enola followed and reached the door into where Adella was.
"She'll be fine. We have some medicine for her to take, just to make sure the cancer doesn't come back, and she may be a little woozy, but she'll be fine in a few months. Perfectly fine."
"Thank God." Enola said, and she stepped into the room. A joyful bark, and then,
Ecstasy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Aside from some errors like Yuriiko pointed out, I enjoyed this story. It was easy to feel Enola's turmoil and pain about Adella. It's clear that their bond is very strong and one cannot function without the other. Again, aside from some erroros that can easily be fixed, this was a good story. Keep it up!
Aside from some errors like Yuriiko pointed out, I enjoyed this story. It was easy to feel Enola's turmoil and pain about Adella. It's clear that their bond is very strong and one cannot function without the other. Again, aside from some erroros that can easily be fixed, this was a good story. Keep it up!
Making my way downtown, walking fast---
Hello DramaLlama!
I'm here to review something of yours again. ^^
I'm confused because you have suddenly changed the character's point of view. Instead of using "I", you suddenly used "she". I'm not sure if you're doing that on purpose, but it would be really confusing.
In some ways, the highlighted phrase surprised me. It's almost unbelievable because it's too fast. Even though for the fact I don't want the dog to be dying, but the way the nurse said the Enola's dog is okay-- it was unexpectedly fast. Perhaps because you want the story to be finished quickly as much or possible, or you're going for the short count words. However, this story isn't really realistic at all. That being said, I don't have this the-dog-is-dying sad feeling. Although you're aiming for a sweet happy ending, but metaphorically speaking, I just couldn't imagine Cinderella meeting up with Prince Charming even though she hasn't even attended the royal ball. See what I mean?
The cancer cure that Adella has experienced is quite unbelievable. We all know it takes a lot of time to be cured from ny kind of cancer, or for the fact that even some dogs get euthanized because they can't take any more of the pain. YOu already have a good hook right in the middle, but you have suddenly cut it at the ending. Maybe if the nurse said Adella is still fighting from the cancer, but she's more or less in a good condition-- that would've been better. Because everyone knows curing cancer isn't going to happen in just a snap of a finger.
Grammar wise, you still need to reread this piece and if ever you're going to stumble hard on something, then you should know by that time, that you have to fix something right away. Your tenses too tend to jump on and off and spellings should need a lot work. You might have noticed that I haven't really nitpicked out every line, because I want you to see it for yourself. Overall, the story's quite sweet but it needs a lot of work.
Keep writing,
Yuri
Hi there! So, as someone who recently lost an incredibly special pet, this story really rang true. I know what it's like to have an animal dying at the vet's and nothing you can do. It was awesome that you had a happy ending to this one, though.
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In terms of the story, it was cute. Nothing too complex or deep, but the emotions were real. That's how I felt when my kitty was dying. That's what I look for in a good short story. I don't need to be challenged when I read- I want to feel something and read something I can understand.
My one suggestion: Fix your tenses.You go from saying "she" to "I" and then back to "she". Choose one
Overall, lovely job- and I love that song too!
Keep writing!
-Tori
Howdy There!
I love the song one thousand miles by Vanessa Carlton, and knowing it certainly made it easier to understand. To anyone who is reading this and is unaware of the song, should listen to it in parallel as this story is cleverly written.
I love the twist in the story compared to the song, you have linked in the two very well. As presumably the song itself is about two lovers, and when reading the first part of your story I was worried that this wouldn't work, and you wouldn't have enough to go on but it really worked out and can be related to the lyrics.
I haven't got any errors to pick out, I'm sorry, I got so wrapped up in the story that if there were any I just glanced by them.
Really good work, I'm looking forward to seeing more from you. =)