The Girl with the Heart Shaped Glasses

This is great, I really love the characters, the boy and the girl. Though the readers don't know much about the boy, it is still nice to read his thoughts about the mysterious girl with the heart shaped glasses.

Okay, so one thing I found: "and maybe that's what's attractive to him." A bit too many 's there...it kind of slurs a little and confuses the brain, maybe you could try 'that's what attracts him' so there aren't two words with 's at the end in a row.

Honestly, I didn't find anything else. This was absolutely fantastic, I wish I knew if he ever told her or not. You should really write a story about this.
Toodles.

I absolutely love this story. I love the girl's character, its really well written.

"He would watch her, as she walked into the school, her high heels clicking against the hot California pavement. Her bag would swing from her finger tips, the leather as smooth and soft as her perfectly tanned legs. She always looked flawless, but in such an understated way, no one noticed. Her hair was natural, the brown streaked with sun lightened gold. Her lips are the perfect cupid's bow, painted a scarlet to match her perfectly manicured fingernails. He's never understood how she manages to look so neat all the time. Her band tees and ripped up jeans, her high heels and leather jackets. She doesn't try, and maybe that's what's attractive to him. "
I love how you describe this girl, it's different than any way I've read a girl being described. Although calling her flawless was a tad cliche'd the rest of it was so original and I loved it. Keep writing <3 xxxx, Claire

Hello
SparkOfDoubt


This story shows your spec imagination ability. You just describe the surrounded environment very clearly. You heed every steps and write the actual feeling of his heart.
The character of this story is too sensational. You try to present his thinking with the unique sense.
The above part of this review is showing your skill but in this part I suggest when you should write this type of story please concentrate yourself on the leading character.
In my sense you can write much better in sentences in the absence of this line("Her hair was natural, the brown streaked with sun lightened gold. Her lips are the perfect cupid's bow, painted a scarlet to match her perfectly manicured fingernails.").
Finally your writing ability is really appreciative. Keep it up my well wishes
are always with you.

Hi SparkOfDoubt,

This is a lovely piece. I really connect to the narrator and his feelings for the girl. You've managed to avoid most of the cliches that can often creep into romances for example I love how you compare her tanned skin to a leathery bag, it's so original. There are a couple of times however when I think you almost overdo the description, for example, when you say 'Before her beautiful blue eyes flutter shut...' this is a minor point but I think this sentence would be stronger without the 'beautiful' as we already know from what you have said before that she is beautiful and the lovely imagery in the line of her 'blue eyes flutter[ing] shut' reiterates this fact in itself. Sometimes less is more.

One thing which I think you could expand on is the book as I found this really intriguing as again it is such an original idea. Perhaps you could give the book a name which would give the reader an insight into how he sees the girls personality? It's lovely how it is but I still think you can do more with it.

I really like how the last part of the last line echoes something said in earlier on. It creates a sense of continuity and has a really nice rhythm. The first two clauses of the last line however I think could be much stronger. It is a quite a devastating realisation that he isn't going to approach the girl so I think the sentence could hold a lot of power. Try to think of the simplest ways to say things as this makes sentences punchier, try to avoid words such as 'just' as they create a uncertainty and you don't need to use both 'but' and 'instead' one of them is enough. The use of the word 'instead' doesn't quite fit either as you never directly say instead of what? I know you mean instead of doing all the things you just mentioned but because it's a new sentence it doesn't quite make sense.

I also think it would be a nice idea to add in a reason why the boy won't approach the girl. At the moment I am getting it's because he is nervous but it might be an idea to add in something about the boy that shows he is nervous because it's possible that it's something else.

I really love this piece and I think the character of the girl that you have created is brilliant, with her heart shaped glasses, ripped jeans and high heals, she's so original and intriguing which allows the reader to believe in the boy's love for her and share that love ourselves. Surprisingly by making an unrealistic character you have made the whole piece more realistic! It works really well.

I hope this helps, let me know if you're not clear on anything I've said.

Wakegirl

Hi, SpartsOfDoubt ^-^

Your writing style and word choice is probably the exact opposite from my own lol So it's interesting to read :p
As far as the piece goes, I can't tell you how to improve it. You clearly know how to write lol

I adored: "Her lips are the perfect cupid's bow".
But grr! I ate this part up like chocolate:
"He wondered what goes on in her head, what she thinks about before she falls asleep. Before her beautiful blue eyes flutter shut and her mind floats into dream land. He wondered what she'd say if he walked up to her one night and handed her the book that reminded him of her, and asked her if they could hang out sometime. He wanted to take her to the concert he knew she'd love, he wanted to walk up behind her when she was walking down the sidewalk in front of the school and slip his hand into hers. He wanted to be able to take off those heart shaped sunglasses off the bridge of her nose and kiss her right between her wide eyes."
Awww <3 that was soooooo beautifully written. The sort of thing that makes my chest melt when I'm reading lolol
Brillant job, love ^-^ keep writing, I'd love to her more form you


Catnip~

This is so very sweet. The POV character was quite endearing even without a whole lot of development; his thoughts of her are enough to define him
Here are some TanFastic things you did:
You kept the innocence factor, which makes the protagonist very likeable indeed. You also made the girl realistic and I think we all know a girl like that. Adding the significant feature of the heart glasses helped distinguish her though. And your writing style was good.
Things open to fixing:
You began almost all of your sentences with a pronoun. It would make the writing so much more driving if you changed it up; maybe instead of "He wondered what goes on in her head" you could switch it up by saying "The thoughts in her head were a wonder to him" or something like that.
Sweet, heartfelt, enjoyable, made me say "daaaawwwwwww." Job well done, chap.

This story had a very tender tone, and I liked it very much. The description of the girl was also very well done. However, I think you could have developed the meaning of the heart shaped glasses a little more. It is, after all, the name of the story. All in all, a very enjoyable piece of writing.

I like the description, but, other than the fact that she is a dreamer/artist kind of person, we don't know much about her. Why doesn't she have friends? And you don't explain the heart glasses. And why does your POV character love her.


I have to love the fact that I don't have to do a grammatical review, though!

I really liked the description in this! It was really cute and sweet. You highlighted the points perfectly with the "What If's". The story had so many details and I found it very enjoyable to read. I loved how you described the girl especially because I could get a clear visualization on what she looked like. The way you presented her also gave me an idea on her personality; a free spirit or a dreamer.

This almost sounded like part of a novel or perhaps a short story. Maybe you could incorporate this piece into something like that? I would read the story. It's a very promising start to something. You could even make it into some sort of poetry. That would be an interesting read.