Published May 22, 2012
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hmm, I'm not a fan of using lyrics with poetry in general, but it looks like you've been doing a series like this? Anyway, with this poem in particular, the lyrics set a very different rhythm and tone than what I've getting from your poem. The big danger with lyrics is not get those two elements giving your reader a predetermined mindset for a poem, but also in the fact most of us will know the music that goes with the lyrics as well, and have that going through our minds while reading as well. It makes any change in rhythm highly noticeable, and I think detracts from what the poem could be without a title to waylay readers.
Ok! First stanza, how do you juxtapose "perfection" with "scrawl"? The two don't go together here, and they're not set up to really justify ironic intent or anything else - it just doesn't really work. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to read that as a "perfect scrawl" or the narrator "sits perfectly," yet "scrawls" writing.
I have no idea why you've only capitalized that one line.
Why "all that befits you"? It feels off, like why structure your lines like that? Plus, the line feels unnecessary when I read. And, you only have this structure "thought COMMA thought" in the first two lines of your first stanza, and I have issue with those as well. The first instance in logical progression, the second in the parallel of only two lines. I don't generally like parallelism in poetry, but with only two clauses? No, no, no. It's too much, too many words, too much time spent on something that doesn't need it - you could just as easily make it "begging for release, forgiveness" or "begging for release, for forgiveness." Less clunky, wordy, and time-consuming. And it doesn't draw attention to a line that really doesn't need it, since it's only real purpose I see is modifying the "scrawl" in the line above.
Finally, I'm just not sure what to do with your final stanza. It's accusatory, and I can't figure out why. It's a complete jump from everything previous, and I don't think it makes sense. The first line is just telling me, and it shows me nothing. Second line references (to me) "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones," and that just takes me entirely out of the poem, since it doesn't really fit. "Broken dreams" leads me directly to Green Day. Then you have the accusation, and then a line that I rather like, but "wait" should be "waiting" to make sense grammatically^^
Actually, "broken dreams" made me realise two things. Why 3 ks? And two, why is that italicized line breaking (heh) with the "broken (noun)" pattern of the rest of the poem, by being "heart breaks" rather than "broken hearts"?
Anyway, I'm having trouble figuring out what to take from this, and that usually lies in the poet not being entirely sure what's going on in the first place. So, my advice is to take a long, hard look at this, and figure out what you're trying to say before you do anything else. Multiple interpretations are fine, but I've found they're usually only possible when the poet knows exactly what they're trying to say, and has chosen each word and phrase and line/line break exactly. I also think, though I could easily be wrong!, that you're trying to hinge everything on your final line, so I would start there, and then figure out how everything is supposed to relate to that line. If it doesn't, figure out why and then if it's needed, or if something else needs to be done.
If you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM,
Mesh
Why? I mean why the only one capitol?