The Heaven that is Here

by LadySpark

<3 you know who you are.

Verse-

It always begins the same way,

girl, boy and the their heartstrings,

looped around each others finger's

reminding them of middle school promises,

he loves me, he loves me not.

She loves not, she loves me.

Chorus-

And then she'd start noticing the way his eyes dance

lit up by the candles he'd sat out by the lake

when he took her hand and prayed he'd never be the same.

He can hear her laugh, echoing in his dreams,

and she can almost feel their hearts pulsing, making it hard to breathe.

And when his hands shook,

as his fingers skated over her skin,

she closed her eyes and prayed, things would never change.

Verse-

His heart had beat so many times against hers,

she thought it might be in sync with her own

thrum-thrum, thrum-thrum.

And when he whispered fates across her lips,

she noticed for the first time

how softly graceful his movements had become

a steady hand, a soft tug of kisses unwound across her skin.

Chorus-

And then she'd start noticing the way his eyes dance

lit up by the candles he'd sat out by the lake

when he took her hand and prayed he'd never be the same.

He can hear her laugh, echoing in his dreams,

and she can almost feel their hearts pulsing, making it hard to breathe.

And when she whispered his name,

her voice floating across the air

he closed his eyes and thanked God,

that there was a heaven, and he'd found her here.

Bridge-

But when hearts beat faster,

the voices of other's get louder

and they're reminded of the way things were before.

Because even though it starts with just a single word,

heartstrings wound together--

tend to get tangled in despair.

And then he'll say darling,

please don't forget

I'll always place my heart in your hands.

Chorus-

And then she'd start noticing the way his eyes dance

lit up by the candles he'd sat out by the lake

when he took her hand and prayed he'd never be the same.

He can hear her laugh, echoing in his dreams,

and she can almost feel their hearts pulsing, making it hard to breathe.

Soft kisses fade into darkness, the candles are burning low

she doesn't know how to stop him from leaving,

so she just doesn't let go.

End-

They'll never let go, the daisy's flower petals are on the floor

they hold the stems in their hands, watching the last one fall

he loves me

she loves me.

This is how it always begins, isn't it?

a girl and a boy,

heartstrings wrapped around each other's hands

unwilling to let go.

Comments

Points: 11152
Reviews: 303

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 7:17 pm

StoneHeart wrote a review...

Hey Spark, Black here for a quick Review Day review!

Okay, this was nice! Very nice. Your style and pacing are REALLY good, though I did catch a couple of glitches which I'll be pointing out! Your theme is extremely well shown, with great imagery and beautiful (if sometimes a bit catchy and stuttery) wording. I personally don't really agree with the points that this piece hints to, but that's personal opinion, and irrelevant!

Probably the only problems with this that I was able to find were in the fact that this piece is a song, but there are a number of places in it where you get these wording glitches which just throw the flow off. I'll point those out as best I can. And also, you seem to be trying to show some kind of linearity in the poem, but it's not really coming across.

What I mean is this, you're showing the theme looking down on it, kind of showing how the people feel, their reactions, and a few other things, doing a really great job. But this is a song . . . Actually never mind this point. I'm terrible with poetry: Let me just say that you should try to step back and review the poem while examining your style of looking at the theme.

For your wording glitches I'm going to do my usual checking. I'll give you an example of them, then I'll do a base level fix on them, and then I'll move on and try to generalize your problem for you! Here goes!

looped around each others finger's
reminding them of middle school promises,

This here 'reminding them of middle-school promises' piece really flows right up against the style that you use in the rest of the poem. You need to read it through and use some different words. It has a way of bringing the sentence to a full stop. Also, 'finger's' should be 'fingers' without the apostrophe.

He can hear her laugh, echoing in his dreams,
and she can almost feel their hearts pulsing, making it hard to breathe.

The 'making it hard to breathe' part is awkward, you might want to look into it (also, the first part of this chorus should be be broken up a little bit more, I think).

They'll never let go, the daisy's flower petals are on the floor
they hold the stems in their hands, watching the last one fall
he loves me
she loves me.

This ending stanza really goes against your usual flow . . . try to define your normal flow for this poem, then compare it to this stanza. They're different.

Anyway, this was a VERY nice piece! I enjoyed it a lot - it read really easily.

Good luck! And remember - KEEP WRITING - Writer's advance through practice, practice, practice, and yeah, more practice.

~Black~

Points: 619
Reviews: 83

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Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:45 am

Andrea2676Marie wrote a review...

I like it! It's very original, and I think it has a good amount of potential. I wish I could put some music to this, and jam it out. Keep writing, you're doing a good job. Are you a musician at all? Either way, I look forward to reading more of your work. As always, good luck to you and your writing.

Points: 29221
Reviews: 863

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Tue May 28, 2013 4:24 pm

Morrigan wrote a review...

Hi there, SparkOfDoubt!

I started reading this, and at first I thought it was kind of mushy, but then I discovered that I rather liked it. Let me just point out one line before I really begin reviewing (this line really wowed me):

a soft tug of kisses unwound across her skin.

reminding them of middle school promises,

This line struck me as a little off. I think it's the middle school bit. I think that it's a little too-- I don't know, really, but I think that "childhood" or "little kid" would work better here. Middle school sours the line for me. I think it's because "middle school promises" seem much less realistic and more gushy than I think "little kid" promises or "childhood" promises would be. If you're a little kid, you're more likely to say, "I'm gonna marry you someday" or "Let's be boyfriend and girlfriend," (which is more to the point) than saying in middle school, "Hey, can you tell Janet that I like her? But don't tell her I told you to tell her." The former is much more romantic than the latter.

She loves not

I don't know if this was a typo, but I actually like it this way. It sounds much more serious than if she just doesn't love that one person. The situation is made more dire.

he'd sat out by the lake

You can't sit candles. You can "set" candles, though.

she can almost feel their hearts pulsing

Unless it messes up something in the melody, I suggest removing "almost." It's stronger to say that she can. Always make the stronger choice.

His heart had beat

"had beat" is, I'm pretty sure, grammatically incorrect. "beaten" would be correct. Though I'd do more research on that. It's pretty early in the morning right now, and I don't know if my grammar skills are completely warmed up yet.

how softly graceful his movements had become

"softly graceful" isn't doing it for me. I'd use one word that has similar meaning. It almost seems redundant here.

The ending is really nice. I don't know if it's actually about lost innocence, but if you read it that way, it's really great.

I hope that this review was helpful to you. Nice job. Happy writing!

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The Heaven that is Here

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