So, for English I had to write a poem that used 10 Metaphors.
I chose the Night, and I hope these metaphors are good.
The Night-
The Starry sky covers the earth like a soft blanket,
Soothing the wounds of the babies in their cribs.
It smoothers the pain,
Keeping all warm.
The dark sky is like a big, open canvas.
A steady artist hand could paint a picture,
So divine, that all would gasp at its beauty.
The cool light that shines from the sky
Is like a night light,
Glowing and sparkling to quiet those bad dreams.
The stars light up the sky,
Like a firework display,
Delighting the children
Tucked safe in their beds.
The trees dance,
Like couples at a ball,
Waltzing to an unheard tune.
The wind is making the leaves swirl,
Like a Lady’s skirt on her wedding day,
Spun by the groom.
A soft, light smell floats on the wind,
Like warm fluffy towels just out of the wash.
The soft ground is moist and bouncy,
Like a trampoline just after the morning dew.
The river seems to have quieted,
Not playing as it did in the day,
Like a wood just after a heavy rain.
The world looks new and unfamiliar,
Like a new school on the first day.
The night is like
A quiet monster,
Biding its time till it can find its prey,
hold it close in a soft caress.
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I have to admit, this was very well done.
If I was your english teacher, I'd be so proud, I'd show your stuff to everyone and be like "I taught this girl, she's my student."
I loved every bit of it!
My favourite part would have to be
[/quote] The trees dance,
Like couples at a ball,
Waltzing to an unheard tune. [/quote]
I just like how you use put the waltzing part in there, instead of just 'Like couples at a ball' which some people your age would usually do.
I think my only problem with this is
[/quote] The night is like
A quiet monster, [/quote]
Only because I think it could be one sentence in that stanza because it dosen't sound right with a pause at the end of 'like'
Otherwise it was great!
Hope I've helped and Happy Review Day! XD
xx
you are only 15 and write this good:D
i am amazed:D (in a good way:P)...
the whole poetry revolves around *the Night* and you didnt stray away from that, which i really loved, and your usage of vocabulary was impeccable (as in you just didn't drop words from nowhere). your lines flowed really well, and i ws captivated by reading it.
i just thought that the soul of the work was missing (maybe you didn't put much of yourself in it:P) but overall, EXCELLENT!
i enjoyed your poem it was really good. i am in honers english 10 also know as pre AP english and i cannot write that good. i like how everything fit together. it was in a sence if you dont mind me saying it it was magical. usually after a poem is getting towards the end it kinda sorta fades and gets more boring than anything else but this poem kept me going and wanting more.
Ah, English class poetry. Its never the best kind seeing as there is always a prompt which takes away from the heart of it, but its still poetry nonetheless, so I'll review this to the best of my extent.
Now, since this is for school, I'm not going to beat around the bush. I want you to know right off the bat that this tires me out. I want you to know that, because you had to use ten metaphors, all I see is a list, and a boring list, nonetheless. I'm sorry if this is coming across as harsh. I realize I'm not really putting up that fabricated barrier, but when it comes down to it, poetry should have ten metaphors in it anyways. It should connect, though, in a special manner. In manner that can't be defined by stanza's and counts like this was. This doesn't intertwine other than the fact that it is about one ultimate thing, which was the night sky.
Hun, I know what you're capable of. I know what this could be. I see so much passion and talent in you, but when given a prompt, don't concentrate solely on the prompt at hand. Concentrate on your art first, and the metaphors will come on their own accord without having to have ten specific stanza's detailing ten very specific metaphors. This could be three stanza's with the most beautiful, profound metaphors if you cultivated an idea you loved. A thought that creates itself without you so much as trying. Write a poem first and foremost. You'll find that the heart and the mind are very much connected in that sense that you'll end up with exactly what you need.
As it goes, I think the big thing for me about this was how you took on a subject that couldn't progress or digress. You talked about the setting in so many words, which did not progress or digress. It was a lot of pretty imagery with no real substance, and this needs substance to breathe like poetry should. To have its own, very prominent pulse. That's the big difference between prose and poetry. Prose needs a body, and mind, muscle and sinews. It needs all the things in which make the body move and breathe and think, but poetry.. well, poetry is merely the heartbeat. The thump. The reason.
Did this have enough reason? I fear it didn't.
You have a way with words, dear. A fantastic way with words that will get you very far, and I'm sure this poem will come across as delightful to a teacher who expects mediocrity and receives promise and talent. But talent will only get you so far. Skill and heart will get you the rest of the way if you want this poem to be a doozy.
I'm sorry I couldn't really be more of a help in the department of knowing exactly what a teacher wants. I would say you've hit the standard for a good 10/10 when it comes to marks, but as a poem, I fear that this is far to flat and contains no really interesting dynamics.
You're a fantastic writer. Just make sure you have reason, dear.
~Walker