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137,425 Literary Works • 672,010 Reviews
hope you like.
Well, I guess all the helpful reviews have been done already so I'll just comment on how the poem made me feel.
First of all sorry for your granny and I pray that her soul is resting in peace. This definately is a moving piece and what helps is the rhythmn and tone-- how they are not sad but heart-felt yet melancholic, giving the poem a sense of hope and despite the sad subject, there is still happiness in it.
Now I feel like my review was useless. But anyway, I really liked this.
Nice work Anna!
DRAMALLAMA! I'm totes here as promised.
[here is where I tell you i'm not a poet so heads up]
This is a very sweet poem, and I can tell, as the reader, that the speaker misses their loved one very much. The tone was well-exposed, and your use of imagery is very beautiful. I found a few things that could be worked on, but as a poem by itself, I think it's gorgeous and something to be proud of. Your granny would be!
So the first stanza is really awesome with the whole sea metaphor thing. I just don't understand why sirens would be crying because the speaker is saying good-bye. Sirens draw in male sailors, right? So I couldn't draw a connection here. Besides that though, the first stanza also has that cool end rhyme with lines 2 and 4. Pretty awesome. I do wonder if the rhyming seems a bit random since no where else in the rest of the poem does it have a rhyme scheme like this stanza. Something to think about!
In this bit, I was thrown off course. The first stanza seemed to finalize the fact that the speaker would never see their loved one again. Then the very next stanza contradicts it, saying they will totes meet up again soon. There are a few ways you can play around with that. You could:
1. adjust the first stanza so it doesn't seem so set-in-stone that they'll never see each other again,
2. adjust the entirety of the poem so that the piece starts out with that thought of forever and develops into the "you know what, we're going to see each other again" realization, or
3. try to make the speaker's confused feelings more clear so that it looks like you (as the writer) meant to do that.
Or another adjustment that you find more suitable for your piece.
After the previous two four-line stanzas, this third stanza threw off the rhythm a bit. The speaker also goes back to the forever mentality, which contradicts the third stanza. I explained that bit already though. So! Um. I really do like this stanza by itself; it just doesn't seem to match up with the beginning.
Now, *this* is excellent. I feel like this is the very heart of your poem, but it's right next to the end, and the beginning never really hinted at this part. I think it'd be lovely if we could make the idea in these two couplets show up in other parts of the poem. Even if that means referring to angels/heaven or a sandy beach (you've already got a sea!), I think it would help a lot. These couplets explain everything about this poem and why it even exists, so I don't want to see the rest of the poem crumble because it's pointless. It all has a point, we just have to tie it all together!
I loved this and how it tied in with that second stanza. Any poem that has an ending which ties up the poem nicely is extremely awesome in my book. It's like the ribbon on your present. It holds it all together and looks pretty at the same time!
Those are my thoughts on what could be improved. Hopefully I didn't babble too much to confuse you. I do think this poem is a great start though, and your granny would be extremely proud and honored to know you wrote something for her. Very nice job. <3
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hi there!
So, I really liked this. It's such an emotional piece, and such emotion is very hard to express in words. I commend you for that. I hate to be nit-picky on something so heartfelt, but I do want to give you some quality feedback. Also, I just really wanna have some fun with the colors. So here we go:
Overall, this is quite lovely. It could use some editing and refining, but once that is done it will be absolutely stunning. I will leave you with my mothers final words of the eulogy she gave at my fathers funeral (which match up quite nicely with the subject matter of this poem), "I do not say goodbye, but simply, and resolutely, see you later."
Keep up the good work!
~Molly
Hey Drama. I'll be reviewing you poem tonight. ^^
First off, this is wonderful. It was beautiful. The imagery was amazing and the flow was perfect. I adored it. And I really like how you did this. I could really relate, too. My Nan has been gone for over two years now. Three next may. It's good to write or draw, or do something, anything really, to remember the ones you have loved and lost. It truly is. I applaud you for writing this. It reminds me that I should write more poetry in honour of those I no longer see.
Now, nitpicks. The only ones are that 'angles' should probably be 'angels' and 'you' should probably be 'your'. Other than that, there's nothing wrong with it. Well done. I'm definitely clicking like when I'm done reviewing. Thank you very much for the beautiful poetry and for making me smile (poetry almost always makes me smile). Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!
~Scar.
This is a very moving piece. This verse is my favorite:
The only grammatical error I've found was in this verse (my second favorite), where "you" is supposed to be "your".
Overall, this is a very lovely poem.