Never was (Wish Upon a Star--Poetry series)

Hi, you need a review and I need some points because my team are losing. Let's see if we can help each other out, huh?

Concept

First off, I like the idea of a never was. I've heard it before but I haven't seen it explored very often and now I'm beginning to wonder why that is. I mean one of my all time favourite films 'The Butterfly Effect' explores it better than anything I've ever seen before. But basically, this is a concept I can get along with.

this was worse than an ending,
tied up with a pretty bow.
this was worse than a beginning,
slipped into your dreams.

I'm just going to pause here to give you a few thoughts. Don't do this. Don't give us cliches of pretty bows and dreams because this is not those things so describe it in terms fitting to the subject. What else are endings? Sometimes an ending is when the track runs out or when it runs into a wall. What else is an ending? Sometimes it's when the beach meets the sea and it's time for the start of something else. Sometimes it's the edge of the bed. Think about this and find something new. The same goes for beginning.

I'm not a huge fan of the rest of that stanza either, though less because of the words and more because of the direction you're going in. It's already time to stop describing this in what it can't be, but what it is. You're not giving us any clearer shape of it by shading around because it's one of those things that's so impossible to describe in the negative. A never was is something you have to feel, not be told about. Even I am having trouble describing it now but I want to know this story, I want to know what never happened and why. That's a big importance of the never was, that question of what tiny, insignificant detail it was that made it never happen.

getting involved was a bad idea.
falling in heartless wishes was a horrible mistake.
this was never going to work out

Alright so these are all statements and they're very prosey and they're all vaguely over dramatic phrases. I don't want that. You're already telling us that this isn't any of that, that this is real. I want the details, right down to the finer points of she was wearing a pink peony in her hair and he didn't like pink. I want something more than 'it was a mistake' 'everything went wrong'.

Overall

Alright so it's sweet and there's a great idea behind it but I'm having trouble getting to grips with this because it had the potential to be more than that. There's something about a never was that should always make the reader's mind going in circles because for something to never happen, there has to be ever chance that it was going to happen and you get this amazing paradox and that's what it's all about. Those near misses. Watch a few films, it's the best advice I can give you. There are books as well but for once it's the films that stand out to me on the subject and there's also 'Sliding doors' which does it pretty well.

I'm sorry if this came across as harsh and I realise I haven't really reviewed what you have because I'm perhaps too much caught up in what you could have. But maybe this has given you a few ideas,

Heather xxx