This is for dog's contest. My words were Melancholy, mellifluous and parquet. Enjoy xx
Melancholy curtains hanging by rusted ropes,
the threadbare velvet of the ages
gaping like open mouths of monsters waiting to get their bite.
Once this parquet gleamed with the satin heels of the women
and glowing with men's dress shoes, shined to perfection.
The cigarettes that hung out of the corner of their mouth's,
the curls of women spread out across the back of velvet covered seats.
the mellifluous sounds of women flirting and men debating has now faded into the stained wallpaper,
forgotten and neglected till it didn't exist anymore.
This was once where men fell in love and women fell out,
the slinky gowns drawing in the wrong people and turning away the right.
The ties the men wore much too pressed and clean to be truthful.
It's under appreciated, this cold stone building.
It once pulsated with life, the corners glowing like jewels in the setting sun
as everyone sat, reading their programs, preparing themselves for the spectacle to come.
Now, the corners hold the dusty artifacts of laughter that once existed.
Hearts that were once whole.
No one's been here for a long time, and I stand in the center of the old stage,
and look up to the top boxes and wonder why.
Why was the grandeur lost among the besotted?
When was the velvet destroyed by the careless?
Melancholy curtains hanging from rusted ropes.
Too much misery to hold.
Hi there Spark!
You have tons of really great imagery in this poem. Gosh. I read it several times before I could get down to reviewing it.
You do, however, have a tendency to wordiness, and much of this review will be focused on cutting away the unneeded words to better showcase the excellent imagery nestled in your lines.
I really like this line, and it makes me happy that you repeated it within the poem. It gives a nice sense of closure.
This line is a little awkward. Perhaps say "like monster's mouths, open to take a bite"
Throughout the poem, you say "women" or "men" and then give something about them that was specific to their gender (at that time) anyway. I think it would cut down on wordiness (that you have a tendency toward) if you omitted the non-essential women and men that you use. In this specific line, I would say "Once this parquet gleamed with satin heels and polished oxfords."
This section is wordy, and again, it could easily be cut down. I would say instead "cigarettes dangled from the corners of their mouths / blond curls spread across velvet seats"
This line is rather unwieldy and long. Also, mellifluous sticks out a little. You could say "the mellifluous murmurs of flirtation and debate have..." Now to the second part of the line. I think that you could create a really powerful image by saying that their voices "have stained the wallpaper." That would be lovely. You're kind of going for the "grandeur is disguise for lies" theme here. That would tie into that quite well.
I think you should omit the second portion of this line: "and turning away the right." I was able to tell what you were saying from the first half, and it would cut down on wordiness. Also, find a different way to say "drawing in." Perhaps "beckoned"?
Again with the unneeded "the men." I would just say "the ties were too clean and pressed to hold truth."
This line is rather tell-y. It's the first one that you really tell in, and I think it can be easily fixed. I would just omit "it's unappreciated" and combine "this cold stone building" (though I think you could find better synonyms for "cold" and "stone" than that) with the next line. So, (also reducing wordiness in the next line) we now have "this cold stone building once pulsed with life; corners glowing in the sunset"
Honestly, I don't think this line is necessary at all. I would omit it. I know by this point that you're describing an abandoned theatre, and this line just adds a description that doesn't wow me like the descriptions surrounding this line. I mean, leave it in if you're really attached to it, but otherwise, take it out.
I like this image a lot, but you word it in a rather roundabout way. I'd say "but the laughter faded, leaving dusty artifacts in the corners."
This is the first time the speaker has been introduced in the poem. I think you should introduce the speaker earlier in the poem if you're going to have a first person POV at all. Perhaps just replace these two lines with a little more description of the decrepit theatre.
I like the ending a lot. Nice.
Altogether, this has really nice images, but it tends to be too wordy. Watch out for that in the future. I hope this review was helpful. Happy poeting!
Howdy Spark! Tucker here with your review today
. Ohhh you have some of my favorite words in this poem. Let's dive in shall we?
"waiting to get their bite"
This line is a tad bit awkward and throwing me off. Maybe try saying "receive" instead of "get."
"The cigarettes that hung out of the corner of their mouth's,"
This is a tad bit too word. You can cut it down a bit by saying: "Cigarettes hung out of the corner of their mouth's" Just to keep it short and to the point.
" the mellifluous sounds of women flirting and men debating has now faded into the stained wallpaper,"
I love the imagery of this line, great smooth use of the word "mellifluous" sticks out a tad but you use it effectively. However, on the nit pick side of things, this line is far to long in comparison to the rest of your poem. Either try to omit any useless words that you can, or just break it up into two separate lines. You could maybe say: "the mellifluous sound of women flirting and men debating,/ now faded into the stained wallpaper,"
"forgotten and neglected till it didn't exist anymore."
The imagery here is excellent. Great wording, although it reads a little awkwardly. Try saying: "Forgotten and neglected till it ceased to exist"
"slinky gowns drawing in the wrong people..."
I love the image of "slinky gowns" here. Nice word to use, although I think you can use a better word than "drawing" maybe say: captivating, mesmerizing, enticing, something a tad bit more exciting.
"The ties the men wore much too pressed and clean to be truthful."
Great line, love the point you're trying to get off, and you do well by using their clothing to convey this point. Although you can certainly cut down on the words you use, try saying: "Each man wearing ties too pressed and clean to be truthful."
"this cold stone building"
I like how you open up this stanza and switch into this topic, but you can use far stronger descriptive words than "cold" and "stone." Look it up in a thesaurus if you're having troubles finding a better word.
"the corners glowing like jewels..."
Again, wondrous imagery here. Although you used "glowing" to describe the men's dress shoes. So you should use a different word here.
"Now, the corners hold the dusty artifacts of laughter that once existed."
This seems to be a reoccurring theme, you use just marvelous imagery but sometimes fall a tad bit short with the wording, which makes it awkward at times. Try saying this: "Now, the corners held the dusty artifacts of laughter," you can just leave this line as is, it might be my favorite line of this entire poem.
" No one's been here for a long time, and I stand in the center of the old stage,/ and look up to the top boxes and wonder why."
Ok, a couple quick problems here, firstly the first line of this stanza is too long, cut it into two pieces of omit all useless words if you can. Secondly, you use "and" twice too close in proximity to each other, edit one of them out.
"the grandeur lost among the besotted"
Excellent excellent excellent vocab here. Extraordinarily well done on this line.
"When was the velvet destroyed by the careless"
Try and find a better word than "destroyed" here. Look it up in a thesaurus if you need any help in that regard.
I love the ending here, especially because "melancholy" is just one of my favorite words in the English language. You have some excellent writing here, just jaw droppingly amazing imagery, although you fall off the wagon at times when you put a little too many words into your writing. Sometimes it feels like I'm reading a short story rather than a poem, but than you bring it back with your excellent imagery and great descriptors. You have some wonderful vocab and the use of provided words was smooth for the most part. Which was good. All and all I certainly enjoyed reading this piece. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh