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140,071 Literary Works • 672,990 Reviews
This was really good, I love the way its written. There was only one thing that felt choppy to me
The Moon shimmers,
Calling the song we have
Forgotten.
I don't like how there is only one word on the bottom, try something like this maybe
The Moon shimmers,
Calling the song
we forgot so long ago
or something like that
I agree with the above two. The stanzas by themselves were really good, but together, they didn't really connect or have any theme. They all sounded like nice stanzas from different poems. Work on it and maybe you can entwine your main theme throughout a little more. Good luck!
Hi there, here as requested!
So, I want to start off by saying this: most of this poem is composed of images and is then wrapped up towards the end. However, I didn't really get the connection at the end, because I was caught up in pictures and started to lose track of your words.
So, to put simply what I'm about to elaborate on: put in more concrete phrases. Add in some emotion, some more wonder and relatability into this, and I think it could be pretty strong. Right now, you have a lot of pretty wording and phrasing and vocabulary, without much more than images, and, some of those images are kind of hard to visualize, some of them kind of vague. How do you picture a smile glowing and lighting a path? You need to tie in more connected imagery, as these are all taken out of context. Give more, and your reader will understand more.
Another thing:
This is really vague- nice wording, but I'd work on the actual image in it.
Overall, I did like this. I know I gave a whole lot more critique than praise, but I like the idea and the concepts that you have in your imagery. I know what you're trying to convey, I just think you could do work on it a bit more. Sorry I couldn't give a better review.
Nice job!!
-Coral-
Hi sis! *snuggloffs*
A very nice, simple, clean-cut poem. Rhythmically sound, except for stanza three, where I think the last line needs a few more syllables to keep the rhythm steady.
"Stars" requires no apostrophe, as it is a plural you are referring to. Apart from that, your grammar is good.
In terms of the subject, I'm left a little confused: Is this about the stars, or the night, or the Writer? It feels a little too vague and unconnected, but each segment individually is good. Perhaps some similes wouldn't go amiss, putting them akin to one another.
Sorry I don't have much more to say, but it really is quite short. Please, moar stanzas!
Good work!
~Yo'bro.