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139,498 Literary Works • 672,589 Reviews
Hey, Spark! Rosie here!
Overall, this is gorgeous. It's exactly the sort of thing I like to read; even though it doesn't rhyme, it has rhythm and flow.
My favorite part, by far, is the first four lines. They're sort of drowsy, but in a good way; they're interesting and imaginative. The fourth line isn't as vibrant as the other three, but i almost feel like the comparative simplicity accentuates what you're trying to say.
In the seventh line, did you mean to say 'spilt' or 'split?' I have a feeling you meant the latter, since you mentioned broken hearts in the sixth line. It's just a nitpick. Either way, I like it.
The only parts of this that I'm not entirely in love with are the eighth and ninth lines. You used the word 'shutters' in the eighth line, and then 'shut' in the ninth. It felt slightly repetitive. Again, that's only a nitpick.
All in all, awesome work! Always keep writing!
-Rosie