z

Young Writers Society



Maybe

by LadySpark


1-
I think I've had a little too much to drink tonight,
Because Darling, this smoky bar is starting to look like a palace in disguise.
Maybe we could make tonight a night that people say they regret in the movies,
make this night the night to decide if there really is any point in love.
Maybe tonight is the night you'll finally look at me and see a beautiful girl?
Maybe tonight will be the night that I look back on and thank the Lord.

Because you see,

Chorus-
you're the exception I've been looking for.
You're the star I've wished upon many times.
And with the help of things that make it hard to remember,
I might just say what I've always wanted to say!
And maybe tonight, you'll say them back.
Maybe tonight I'll hear that curse upon your lips.
Nothing would make me happier,
nothing would make me stronger, than to have your lips on mine,
so maybe for one night, we can kiss this planet goodbye.
And sail off into the stars I've been waiting to see.

2-
Out on the dance floor, everything is right.
Everything seems to be in synch with my emotions.
I'm still waiting for the hint that you care enough to give your heart a try.
Careful what words pass your lips, careful what heart you might miss.
Because this suddenly isn't about you or me,
this is about the music flowing through our bodies.
This might be a cliche standing to you,
wanting you for my own.
But if I could mark you as an equal, have it set in stone,
it'd make me sleep a lot better on my own.

-Chorus-

Bridge-
Fated words aren't all I expected them to be.
Hoped for kisses are not what they are meant to be.
Maybe I built this moment up in my mind and in my heart,
maybe I assumed too much would come out of this start.
Because we have to remember what a start this is.
Not really a start at all.

-Chorus-

Ending-
Maybe I've had a little too much to drink, 
Because, Darling this smoky bar is starting to look like a palace in disguise.
Maybe it's just that I've waited so long to touch the stars,
but tonight's the night. 
Maybe I just don't care what happens tomorrow.
Maybe I just want to be yours for one night.

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1464 Reviews

Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

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Sun Jun 03, 2012 3:34 am
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JabberHut wrote a review...



Hi again, SparkleDoubt!

So what is this?

(Did I scare you?) You've been cranking out awesome songs lately. That's what this is! (Teehee, I loff you!) Seriously, I love this. I love how it started and went into the chorus. You know how when you read lyrics, once in a while, your brain automatically just makes up a weird tune by itself to go with the lyrics you're reading? It doesn't happen to me often, but it did this time! It's so awesome. 8D

Have I mentioned that I love the beginning? And the ending. I just love them. I think my favorite line was the palace in disguise, even. So clever.

I think I had the most trouble with verse two (about halfway through) and the bridge. They didn't flow as well as the rest.

Because this suddenly isn't about you or me,
this is about the music flowing through our bodies.
This might be a cliche standing to you,
wanting you for my own.
But if I could mark you as an equal, have it set in stone,
it'd make me sleep a lot better on my own.


This part of verse two felt weird to me. It kinda got better at the end here, but it still felt clunky. It didn't tie together very well, and it didn't match the rest of the song. I'd probably take another look at this. Maybe work in some palace metaphors or some such. (Have I mentioned I loved that palace line?)

I like how you worked with the starts though, too. Maybe watch the stars from the palace window. 8D okay, I don't really know what I'm saying. So moving on!

Fated words aren't all I expected them to be.
Hoped for kisses are not what they are meant to be.
Maybe I built this moment up in my mind and in my heart,
maybe I assumed too much would come out of this start.
Because we have to remember what a start this is.
Not really a start at all.


The second line I actually had the most trouble making sense of grammatically. I liked the middle part of the bridge, the maybe lines, and the end of the bridge was also pretty good. So I guess I just had trouble with the first two lines! xD

But really, those are the only nitpicks I have here. I really, really like this song. I really do. I hope I get to hear it one day! And I also hope you're cranking out more awesome songs here. O:

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Points: 758
Reviews: 13

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Fri Jun 01, 2012 5:15 am
NewAtThis wrote a review...



This is very interesting. I liked this a lot because its very relate able and vivid. The beginning and end was personally my favorite.

"Maybe I've had a little too much to drink,
Because, Darling this smoky bar is starting to look like a palace in disguise. "


I would enjoy hearing this song. Awesome!





Stop being mean to your self-insert character, you're just being mean to yourself.
— WeepingWisteria