Hey Eros! Happy review day! It's way past time to get this out of the green room, yeah?

This is an intriguing concept! I can tell you've put a lot of thought into the concept and the world.

I listened to a podcast recently about preparing for NaNoWriMo (national november novel writing month) and the podcast narrators said that stories are built on three things - characters, premise, and plot. The characters are obvious, who your story is about. The premise is like the set up/world/setting/concept. The plot is what actually happens.

Here, you definitely have a premise. You definitely have a character. I think you're missing the plot. Even though this is a short story, you still need a plot. What does this character want? What's standing in his way? What will happen if he doesn't get what he wants (why does it matter)? That will be the foundation of the plot.

The good news is, since you've already figured out the premise and you have a cool premise, there are tons of different things you can do with the plot! All of this premise information you've included so far can be woven in as the plot develops. I'm not sure if you were planning on adding to this story or how long you want this story to be, but the more complex the plot, the longer it will be.

I'll leave things there for now, but let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!

Hi there!
So this is actually really interesting! I just saw a few spelling mistakes, and those really bother me. .

"He's the Micheal Jackson of our world." Did you mean Michael? The second mistake I noticed was when you meant to spell "to" and ended up spelling "tho."

That was all I noticed! Sorry that it's not a great review, but I can't see anything wrong!