Young Writers Society

This was nearly indigestible due to your choice to attempt Shakespearean language...which you didn't. You used modern contractions and Irish dialectic possessives and. It's just not pretty on flow, the tongue, execution; I didn't enjoy it.

So let's break down what you're looking at without all the Spear Shaking.

You're in love with someone and comparing them to the moon. Or possibly just in love with the moon. The personification is so cemented that there is no differentiation. What you'll wanna do is create a schism between the character and his metaphor so that the reader can latch onto the details you've scattered about the piece with more ease. Beyond that, just clean up the Shakespearean and really refine what you're attempting to do with experimentation and multiple drafts. Read and write and share and revise and repeat the process. If Shakespeare is who you want to emulate, read a crap ton of Shakespeare. Just make it so.

But as far as something abstract goes, I mean, you shot for it, and that definitely counts for something. Just gotta clean up the execution.

All the best, hope this helps.
Ty

Hello, I love this poem! I just have a few suggestions to make. First off, on this line;

"Thou art the prince of heavenly sky

Studded with pearls of stars."

I would put 'That' before "Thou" and 'The' before "prince" I think it makes the poem roll a little easier. So it would look like this;

"That thou are the prince of heavenly sky
Studded with the pearls of stars."

I love that you are going for a Shakespeare theme, it makes this poem all the more touching.

On this line;
"Why can't thou read in my eyes,
The longing I have for thou?"

I would change "Can't" to 'Canst' and maybe put 'not' in there. So it would be like this;

"Why canst thou not read in my eyes..." or just stick with "canst" it's up to you though. .

On this line;

"The longing I have for thou?" change "Thou" to 'Thee'

So all together it would look like this;

"Why canst thou not read in my eyes,
The longing I have for thee?"

And I would change "My" to 'mine' I think it sounds more Shakespearan.

Other than those little things, It's a great poem and I hope you keep writing!