Hi Eros! Mage here to review this awesome story!
I was really surprised to find out this was a script, rather than a chapter of a novel. But your decision to tell the story in the way you did was a great choice. It really suits the tale you are trying to tell. I have a feeling that this would be a very funny play to be a part of.
Onto a really quick, nitpicky comment. You use commas a lot. There's nothing bad with using commas - I use them all the time - but sometimes they aren't needed. I'll put the spots where they are unnecessary, at least in my opinion (and I'm not that experienced, so take it with a grain of salt), down below so you can correct them if you agree with what I'm saying.
The spots here are in between "bed" and "there", and in between "bed" and "is". Also, at least according to my computer, "velvetty" should only have one "t". But our versions of English may have slightly different spellings for different words, so if that's the case, ignore that.On the right side of the bed, there is a big flower pot studded with small, fine, icy-white pearls. On the left side of the bed, is a big window covered with thick, velvetty pink curtains.
The extra comma is between "gems" and "stops". Another quick nitpick. "Saphire" should have another p.At the entrance of the garden, a chariot adorned with saphire gems, stops, and Adrienne steps out of it.
For this, you can either remove the comma altogether or (if your aim is to create a brief pause in between "sorry" and "you") make "I am sorry" and "you had to wait for me" two separate sentences.I am sorry, you had to wait for me.
These next two comments have nothing to do with commas.
My first issue with this is "princess". In my eyes (once again, I'm still learning myself, so I'm not an expert), I think the "p" should be capital or you should slip in a "the" before "princess". My second issue with this is the last sentence. It's worded a bit strangely. My advice would be to change it to something like, "Take her with you and keep her safe."Khasir, princess wishes to go to The Lorriel Garden to play with Caroline. Take her safely with you.
You just forgot a "l" in "falling".Am I faling in love with princess Adrienne?
Like I said earlier, I really loved reading this. I know you have part 2 posted, so that's what I'll review next. I already have a theory. This story has to do with corpses, and Adrien makes a comment about souls...Hm...Maybe he's a ghost?
Keep up the awesome work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Points: 1234
Reviews: 590
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