Characters
Adrienne : Princess of 17
Marianna : Queen of Fujee Kingdom; Adrienne's mother
Lord Fujee : King of Fujee Kingdom; Adrienne's father
Alim : Lord Fujee's Minister
Khasir : One of the Lord Fujee's trusted men.
Caroline : Another princess of 16 from neighbouring kingdom- Tehnar
Fiona : Queen of Tehnar; Caroline's mother
King Tehnar : King of Tehnar kingdom; Caroline's father
Arthur : King Tehnar's Minister
Weldives : One of the trusted men of King Tehnar
Adrien : The flower boy of 18 who earns living by selling flowers.
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Scene 1: Queen Marianna's Bedroom
Walls carved with royal designs. A soft bed on which Queen Marianna sits, dressed in golden, half sleeved, long dress, with a shining big, pure-gold crown on her head. On the right side of the bed there is a big flower pot studded with small, fine, icy-white pearls. On the left side of the bed is a big window covered with thick, velvetty pink curtains. A dome shaped entrance from the centre, covered with white, translucent, thin curtains, meant only for the royal family of King Fujee. A side-entrance on a corner for the maids. Princess Adrienne enters from behind the thin curtains, dressed in long, red, sleeveless frock.
Adrienne: Queen Mother! Today is such a pleasant weather outside. I want to go in The Lorriel Garden to play with Caroline.
Marianna : Oh, my darling Princess! You may go, if you wish to. But I won't allow you to go all alone.
Adrienne : Yes mother, as you say so.
Marianna calls Khasir. Khasir enters from the side entrance.
Khasir : Your Highness! Did you call me?
Marianna : Yes. *orders softly* Khasir, the princess wishes to go to The Lorriel Garden to play with Caroline. Take her to the garden and keep her safe.
Princess Adrienne leaves with Khasir.
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Scene 2 : The Lorriel Garden
At the entrance of the garden, a chariot adorned with sapphire gems stops and Adrienne steps out of it. A beautiful girl with long black hair put into plaits, dressed in blue short frock, with a silky scarf on her head is sitting under the soothing shade of a huge tree. She is Caroline who has come with Weldives. Seeing her, Adrienne runs through the fresh green grass, with her fair hand waving to say hello to her friend, Caroline, and her long blond hair waving seems to say hello to their friend, air.
Adrienne : Hey Caroline! Hey Caroline! I am sorry you had to wait for me.
Caroline : Oh dear! I never mind waiting for you because you are my best friend! Come on, lets play the game of Blind Vegetable.
Adrienne : I too was going to say that!
Caroline fastens the green eyes of Adrienne with her silk scarf. Adrienne spreads her hands out in the air to reach for Caroline. Weldives and Khasir gets involved in talking under the tree. While both the princess are playing, Adrien reaches the garden with a basket. He is dressed in off-white clothes, and a flute clings to his waist by means of a piece of black, cotton cloth. He sees Adrienne and his heart starts to beat faster. At this moment, Adrienne's fair palm touches the sleeves of Caroline.
Caroline : Oh no! I am out!! *laughs with fun*
Adrienne : *Laughs* Yaayy!
Caroline unfastens the scarf. Adrienne feels the scarf slipping from her eyes, and sees Adrien gazing at her. Adrien shifts to the left to hide behind the tree.
Adrienne : *Whispers softly* Caroline! Who is that boy?
Caroline : Where?
Adrienne : Shh... silent, that boy behind the tree.
Caroline : *Whispers* Oh yes! There is someone over there. Should we go and ask who was he?
Adrienne : Well, there is no harm if we ask him who was he. Lets go.
Caroline and Adrienne walks towards him.
Caroline : Hey you! Who are you and why you are here?
Adrien : I-I am Adrien. I am here to pluck fl-flowers. I sell them for money.
Adrienne : Don't get scared, Adrien. We will do no harm to you. Where do you live?
Adrien : I don't have any house, I live in the temple on the next street.
Caroline : Adrienne, it's getting late. See, the sun is about to set, we must return to our kingdoms.
Adrienne nodds and both the princess goes back near the tree where Weldives and Khasir were busy talking to each other. Before the chariot left, Adrienne turns her head back to see Adrien. He was lost in her green emerald eyes and was waving her a good bye. Adrienne waves back.
Adrien : *Joins his hands to the sun* Lord! Am I falling in love with princess Adrienne? How can a soul love a human body?
A/N: Dear readers, the last dialogue of Adrien has a different meaning which will be displayed in the next part. You might be thinking where is the corpse and the irrelevance of the topic to the story of this part. This is the suspense revealed in Part II which will be related to a corpse, and is based on this part, so please don't mind the irrelevancy of the topic to this part.
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Hi Eros! Mage here to review this awesome story!
The spots here are in between "bed" and "there", and in between "bed" and "is". Also, at least according to my computer, "velvetty" should only have one "t". But our versions of English may have slightly different spellings for different words, so if that's the case, ignore that.I was really surprised to find out this was a script, rather than a chapter of a novel. But your decision to tell the story in the way you did was a great choice. It really suits the tale you are trying to tell. I have a feeling that this would be a very funny play to be a part of.
Onto a really quick, nitpicky comment. You use commas a lot. There's nothing bad with using commas - I use them all the time - but sometimes they aren't needed. I'll put the spots where they are unnecessary, at least in my opinion (and I'm not that experienced, so take it with a grain of salt), down below so you can correct them if you agree with what I'm saying.
The extra comma is between "gems" and "stops". Another quick nitpick. "Saphire" should have another p.
For this, you can either remove the comma altogether or (if your aim is to create a brief pause in between "sorry" and "you") make "I am sorry" and "you had to wait for me" two separate sentences.
These next two comments have nothing to do with commas.
My first issue with this is "princess". In my eyes (once again, I'm still learning myself, so I'm not an expert), I think the "p" should be capital or you should slip in a "the" before "princess". My second issue with this is the last sentence. It's worded a bit strangely. My advice would be to change it to something like, "Take her with you and keep her safe."
You just forgot a "l" in "falling".
Like I said earlier, I really loved reading this. I know you have part 2 posted, so that's what I'll review next. I already have a theory. This story has to do with corpses, and Adrien makes a comment about souls...Hm...Maybe he's a ghost?
Keep up the awesome work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Hmm... I thought upon your suggestions, and they are making sense. I have removed the extra commas. Thank you so much for this!!
You're welcome! I'm really happy that I could help!
If you don't mind me asking, what was your inspiration for this story?
I was inspired to add a horror in the story by the novel of "Canterville's Ghost" written by the great author, Oscar Wilde.
We had this novel as a Long Reading Text for studies last year. There, the small girl Virginia prays for the freedom of The Canterville Ghost. They were not in love with each other, but the ghost kidnapped Virginia and told her that he has murderd his wife and his wife's brothers killed him. And Virginia prays for him It was a more humorous amusive-horror story not at all scary. My story is entirely different, but except the praying for the freedom thing. This was a Romance little horror little mystery. The inspiration for adding a mystery was from H.G.Well's novel, "The invisible man" this was the Long Reading Text for this year's syllabus. Well, this academic year is over now. This is a sci-fi mystery novel. Who was The Invisible Man was a mystery which is revealed afterwards that he was a medical student who had made himself invisible by the formula of invisibility he invente. Again my story is totally and entirely different.
In short, I got the inspirations from all the great authors whose novels I have read for the Exams.
Hey Eros!!
You have written such an ice creamy drama, and you didn't even told me?! Well, how will you tell me, I don't come here so often as you. Well, everything aside. Lets go in your drama. So I see, you have created a good suspense. You are succesful in making us think about whose corpse will it be? Will some new character appear later? What will happen to Adrien's love? Does Adrienne loves him back? I liked your presentation. You have usd very influensive adjectives to describe the queen's bedroom, the flower pot, the bed, the curtains, the cariot, their dresses, Adrienne's eyes, the scarf... A lot! I loved this. You are improving, Eros! Go ahead! Well, I am in a hurry, I am busy with my lil sister, I have to teach her the basics of class 9th. It is my elder sister duty! Bye
~Yours classmate and YWS-mate:
Sara
Hey E!
okay so this was fun! I liked your site setting, you definitely have some talent for that *winks* the names are also pretty interesting, but I've got a question... how am i gonna make a ship name if the names of the characters are similar...(well i know that was a stupid question, but what can i do i was born curious) anyway the only thing i would suggest is try and work a tad bit more on the dialogues... try and make them feel a bit more natural.
anyway, i would be waiting egarely for future chapters.
goodluck with them,
Fangirl~
eh! I am eh sorry
but, I didnt understood the question of naming the ship? With what reference is the ship?
i mean when you join the names of too people to make one... like christina and will = chrill
Oh! hmm... to join the names of two people with similar names? I want to suggest you something for this one, but how to type something in superscript and subscript?
If last names are given, you can always work with those. One of my ships, Lucy Carlyle and Anthony Lockwood in the Lockwood and Co. series, is called AnLu or Locklyle. So if Eros comes up with last names, there's your ship!