People standing like indifferent stones
Flying kiss or punch, they're not gonna care;
All they're gonna do is just stare and stare,
--
People run, some lay down, some squat
My team mates shouting out,
"Turn on voice chat."
But the plane arrives and off we go.
--
Unity is strength, but we still get scattered,
For everyone wants,
To steal better weapons.
--
Saving our own life, riding a car,
Five alive out of a hundred,
I drove towards the wounded team mate,
Who wasn't not so far.
--
As i tried to revive him,
I was suddenly knocked down,
Mercilessly shot twice ...and thrice
And all that was left behind
Was a lonely little wooden crate.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Love the phrase "flying kiss or punch, they're not going to care" - it's the type of line you have to read twice, because it's unexpected and contradictory. I'm not familiar with this game, but it seems like an exciting one. The poem is exciting to read through with the constant action.
I think it could be helped with a bit more of a consistent speaker - rather than all of these events unfolding in an almost unrelated way. If there was a consistent narrative or speaker it'd help readers relate to the poem. That being said you have some nice pieces of imagery, and the action makes the poem an exciting one to read as I said earlier.
You might capitalize "i" in the last stanza as you capitalize it elsewhere. And then I'd also take out the ellipses (...) because it actually takes away the drama and slows down the drama of the piece as it seems like the narrator is trailing off their words at an important point in the poem.
Overall, I'd love to see this with even more narrative development, but as is, you make an intriguing poem that makes me curious about this game that it describes!
Nice job Eros! Never stop writing poetry!
~alliyah
Thank you so much, alliyah, for this helpful review!! I will definitely keep this in mind, for improvement. Thank you so much!!
who knew how deep pubg was
wow Eros, this is a nice piece. i loved it. funny tittle though
Thank you so much for the comment! Your words are so inspiring... I will keep writing!
Hii eros, how are you doing?? I hope you are fine and enjoying your time...
I like the title of the poem....btw Do you play the game too??. I know many who are gone crazy for this game...
Your poem is very nice and well written like always..i enjoyed it. The last para was good, i mean the whole poem is good but i like the last para.... Have a good time...
Heyyyyyy!!! I am fine! Yess lol I play that game very much .. it's superb game yaaar! Winner winner chicken dinner
Haha....right... Enjoy dear... Have fun
Yaaay!