Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Keeping hidden, my feels,
Sometimes eating too much,
Sometimes skipping meals,
Full of depression, life was miserable as such.
--
Spreading were the rumours in my way,
Tired of them, I took the blade,
Thinking about others, what they say,
Cuts and wounds on myself I made.
--
Crying tears from eyes,
Crying blood from skin,
Taking care that nobody listens my cries,
All the thoughts to my heart, tightly pinned.
--
Feeling restrained by my own shackle
Baffled and kowing not
How the problems should I tackle
Within my own entwines I was caught.
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139,835 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing the poem expressing an attempt at self destruction via the slicing of wrists.
It is always sad to read such things since one fears that if it is the writer who is confessing the suicidal attempt, the writer will attempt it again. Makes one wonder exactly what led the person to such a drastic decision.
True, being entwined in ones’s own problems is poetic, but what exactly did that entwining involve? Why could it not have been dis-entwined? Rumors? Why couldn’t they be ignored? Depression, why not seek help? That some people don’t listen doesn’t mean everyone will not listen. There are people who make it their profession to listen and offer help.
The poem is rhymed well and it flows well for the most part. There is a calmness and lack of desperation or show of emotion that gives an impression of unemotional determination. This makes the message seem even more urgent.
Suggestions
To keep the meter running smoothly:
. . . . thoughts to heart tightly pinned
Baffled and kowing not
[Baffled and knowing not]
Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.
The person is an introvert and doesn't want to share his feelings...
I should have made things clear... But I would still prefer.to keep it Mysterious...xD
Thank
Thanks a lot for the review!! Was indeed very helpful. Especially the tightly pinned thing. Will edit the part... Thanks a lot again!
Please feel free to ignore my advice it is not intended to offend make you feel bad demean you or make your work seem terrible, that said please brace yourself . . .
What I thought
Wow that goes deep and deep and deep . . .I feel like there are millions of people that feel like killing themselves and this goes for all of them amazing work I should say!
Grammar & Punctuation
People keep telling me to stop but I won't I still am for using commas, in any kind of poem, that is pretty much it for grammar otherwise I think your grammar was excellent
Word Usage
Okay here you can feel free to ignore my advice but . . .this line sounded odd to me
All the thoughts, to my heart
Tightly were pinned.
I think that would have sounded better if you had said
All the thoughts in my heart
Were tightly pinned.
See the differance?
Then actually the first sentence
Keeping hidden, my feels,
Maybe you should tree keeping hidden, my feelings.
Otherwise this poem is great.
Thank you so much for your review ! Yeah ... I think it should be were tightly pinned... that's better.
Actually the feels in the first line was used for rhyming purpose...feels-meals ...
Thank you so much again for the review !!
Hey Eros!
What hit me first about this is the rhyming. A lot of poems I read of this kind of theme are free verse, which kind of has it's benefits in that it allows for expression, but with this the careful construction of the rhymes kind of increases the power of it. I think it's because it shows something a lot more contemplated, like something that's really lived in rather than a fleeting emotion. I really like it.
Of course the great thing is in the skill of being able to actually put those rhymes together so well, not just the ability to rhyme. The lines "tired of them, I took the blade... cuts and wounds on myself I made" demonstrate that really well because of how you've manipulated the grammar.
I'm not sure about the third verse being five lines. It feels more like the words didn't quite fit, rather than having any additional impact.
In some places the rhythm wasn't as tight as it could be , I'd recommend reading it out loud a few times and see where you have to force emphasis to make the rhythm work. However, it is one of my weakest points in my own writing so I'd recommend asking someone better skilled at poetry than me to get a second look on that last point and see what they pick up on.
Nice work =]
Thanks for the review !! I will definitely consider your advice here... To read the poem aloud a few times... I willl edit the things once I get time...
Thank you so much again !!
Hey, Eros!
The title of your poem is intriguing, I could get the vibe of of the poem out of it.The rhyme-scheme is perfect, didn't feel forced, it was with good flow.
This following lines is a great one, could feel the pain. It was so amazingly portrayed. Could see your potential. BTW, my favourite line in this poem.
Writing exactly how the narrator feels, getting the reader into their skin needs a skill. You know what? I felt each bit of the feel.
I could empathize peak of the frustration and the pain through these lines:
It was so moving.
The highlight of the poem are well engraved by these lines:
The worst and most dangerous feel is getting tangled in your own rope of thoughts, it does feel miserable. This is a perfect lament, many people relate to it.
Well, the one who wins is the one who breaks his/her own shackle.
I see the problem faced by the speaker, and could figure out the message said.
Overall, it was a perfect lament with good imagination, emotion(well, that was so strongly felt) portrayal of thoughts well established.
was totally into it.
Great job! Looking forward for more of your works.
BTW I got to read SOld for 50,000 that story still gets me, it was so true, it's being done in oppressive countries. That was so emotional.I loved it so much.
Keep up the awesome writing Eros!
Thank you so much the review @Sree ! I loved your review. Superb review it was.