Hey Eros! I'll be dropping by for a review today!


I haven't read any previous chapters of your novel. I apologise if that reflects in my review.

Karan's long and slender fair fingers made their way towards the silver pen that was stuck between the buttons of his white shirt.

I have a few comments about this as a starting line. Firstly, I can't speak for transitions and how well Chapter 4 segued into this, but it doesn't feel like the opening of a chapter. It reads more like there was already set-up to the scene, but since it's a new chapter, it doesn't work as well? I mean, if you have a transition that has more action, I'd say it would work better? But usually there's some kind of scene split chapter-chapter.
The sentence is long-winded. I'll use this to point out another thing I noticed, which was "long and slender fair fingers". Does he really need that much description for his fingers? Is it even really important? I mean, physical descriptions are good, and it's good to see here that it is worked into a character's actions! But he's not... observing his fingers? Maybe you aren't focused on going deeper into your character and specifically what they notice (for example, I don't think too much about my hands usually?). Regardless, I would really just go for one of the three descriptors here? I'd probably choose slender if it was me, but that's up to you. You also don't have to describe how his fingers are "making their way" towards the pen? This in an instance where getting straight to the point works better for your narrative, because it's not some huge plot point. He grabs the pen, you don't have to go into detail for an action like this.
(And lastly, this is more of my own curiosity, but how is there a pen balanced between the buttons of his white shirt? How does it not fall through? Seems an odd place to store a pen to me, but then again, I've never tried haha)

the pen reflected the rays of the orange setting sun.

I think this was a minor error, but "the" should be capitalised ("The").
This is more of a personal preference, but instead of describing the reflection of the sunset in the pen, I would have liked to see it described in the room? Like, the room was basked in an orange glow. The sunset isn't pinpointed at just the pen. I am... assuming that Karan is in a room from reading a little farther? But I'm not sure either, because there isn't any description of setting (which is fine, if that's already been set up in previous chapters!)

He then opened the drawer of the mahogany wooden table that was right in front of the rolling chair on which he was sitting, took out the blue covered notebook and opened a blank page.

I'm all for description and setting, I am, but I'm going to circle back to the "long-winded" sentence thing. This sentence doesn't need to be this long, there's no reason it should be. It reads mechanically too, and it doesn't flow together. If this is a transition from the last chapter, you should have already established he was sitting. If it's not, you should have established he was sitting before right now. There's no reason you need to incorporate it here and drag out this sentence.
This sentence needs separated. Just off the top of my head, if you cut the off from the last paragraph and start a new one, something like: "He opened a drawer of the mahogany, wooden table, right in front of his chair. From the drawer, he pulled out a blue notebook, and opened it to a blank page."
It reads cleaner, and gives your reader a chance to rest (I say this not quite literally. Think of it almost like breathing during a song, or a speech. You need places to breathe, even if there's no lengthy pauses. This... kind of applies to writing as well?)

She snapped her fingers in front of my eyes, "Hello?"

The comma should be a period because it is not leading into the dialogue with a dialogue tag.


Also, why is the first thing she asks him "do you have a girlfriend?". That strikes me as a super odd question to ask a complete stranger without any prior conversation.


If he's journaling this, how is he so accurately remembering everything that happened? Every time I've attempted journaling days events, I've largely gone over the things that happen, but I would never remember stirring my coffee or where I was looking at what moments. Unless he's some kind of... robot? Cyborg? Some other kind of being that has perfect memory? Or just, a photogenic memory I suppose. In which case, forget I ever mentioned this It just struck me as a little strange.


Why does him having a girlfriend or wife affect if she sits nearby him? Women and men can sit at a table together with romantic connotation or suggestion?? Also, why ask him all these questions, and then blatantly disregard his answer and sit anyway?

As I was about to leave, she wrapped her brown fingers around my wrist and forced me to join her in swimming.

If he doesn't end up swimming with her, how can she force him to watch? How does she even force him to in the first place? Just grabbing his wrist? If he didn't want to follow her (which is heavily implied), it's really easy to just pull your wrist away and leave. If he's so averse to socialising, why does he stick around just to watch her swim.

I felt my heartbeats racing...as if I was falling in love with her.

I can't tell if "heartbeats" is a typo or if this guy actually has multiple hearts? Aside from that, on the grammar front, there should be a space after the ellipsis.
I have... a lot of questions about the whole "falling in love" thing. He's so introverted and gets into fights apparently, but one pretty girl hops into water and he's in love with her? There are so many reasons you can have heart palpitations. I wouldn't even be questioning this if you had left it with "he could feel his heartbeat speed up". Implying he could be catching feelings for her, or he's nervous because maybe he likes her more than he was trying to! But the way you have the scene set up makes it sound purely physical (he ignores her when she begins to talk, he feels awkward, she forces him to come swim with her/watch her swim, but then as soon as he sees her body, he's attracted) In which case, falling in love is not the correct direction to take that.

Well... I ain't in love. It's just...umm.. infatuation.

He's writing this down. When in any instance would someone write down "umm"? When you pause during writing, you don't do it like you're speaking and try to fill the silence or make a noise during that pause. When you pause, you pull your pen away from the paper. When you're writing, there isn't the same pause (I'm talking on a personal writing level, not a literature writing level). On that same vein, I would remove some of those ellipses too. Things such as ellipses and italics are great for sprucing up your writing, but they need to be used in moderation! Otherwise, they lose the oomph they're supposed to bring.

Karan got depressed, once again.

This is a very blatant telling. It lacks any emotion because you just announce what's happening. Rather than telling us that he's depressed, show that tears well in his eyes, that he gets a heavy feeling on his chest/shoulders, that he feels very tired. And the dialogue- is he shouting? Does his voice crack? Is the last sentence whispered because he begins to lose his momentum of the emotional moment?


You jump around a lot in the scenes (He went to go get dinner at a restaurant, he's standing somewhere in his house looking at his dad's picture, he goes to his room, etc). It breaks up the flow of the story because there doesn't appear to be any consistency.


The transitions feel like whiplash because one paragraph, he's closing his diary and he's happy. The next, he's talking to the photograph of his dead father and he's depressed. Time may have passed for him, but it feels like no time has passed for the reader.
On the same sense, I can't pick up any threads of plot right now. I'm just reading about some guy going through his days. Asking as a reader, why should I be interested in this? What is there set up that I should be invested in this story? Maybe it's because I haven't read previous chapters! But there should be some kind of coherent thread to follow (or a driving force to the story) that should be set up five chapters in, that even someone like me who hasn't read it the way you're supposed to read a novel should be able to pick up on. It doesn't even feel like there's been set-up/story before this.
Going back to the "jumping around", I'll ask another question: why are these scenes important to the story? Why did you pick out these? How relevant are they all to the overall plot structure?

I must go, get some caffeine."

I'm willing to accept that some characters talk to themselves (heck, I talk to myself), but this reads very stilted. I wouldn't even say this to another person, let alone myself. Why does he have to announce he needs coffee to himself? And if he does have to, wording it more like "God, I need coffee," sounds more human. Readers can empathise with that (if a character said that in a novel I was reading, I'd probably be able to whole-heartedly agree. I'd probably say something like that too if I was really tired haha). "I must go get some caffeine" sounds honestly like something a computer would say.


If Karan is so displeased with seeing her, then I will reiterate my point about him not falling in love with her. You don't feel annoyed like that by someone's presence that you love (unless the situation calls for it, but she's done nothing to warrant it except exist).

"Fuck. Not that bitch again," Karan frowned, lips curved down, expressing clear annoyance.

"frowned" is not a dialogue tag so the comma after "again" should be a period. Also, this is a very tell-y line. You don't need to say "expressing clear annoyance". The reader already knows that from his body language. Don't grab your readers hand to guide them like that! Trust they know what you're talking about!

She came running back to him.

"back" implies that she had come to him, left, and then come back, which she did not do?

He almost shouted at her, "We are strangers, b--" He gulped down the word 'itch'.

"He almost shouted at her" is it's own sentence and should be ended by a period. Also, because he was going to say "bitch" and not "b itch", it should be "He gulped down the word 'bitch'." I would really change the sentence around to just say he cut himself off, because based on what the reader already knows about him, they'll be able to guess what he was about to say with you (again!) telling them.

Do you think I look romantic by any angle to roam around

This sentence doesn't make a whole lot of sense? I don't get why he's phrasing it like this? What does looking romantic have to do with having a girlfriend or being single?

Karan was getting super triggered but just wanted to look descent in front of her.

…what? What is he getting "triggered" by? Aside from the what and why, which is completely lost on me, this is once again blatantly telling the reader how he feels and it reads shallowly. If he's getting annoyed, describe that he's getting flustered, or he clenches his fists, or grinds his teeth together!
If he's so annoyed by her also, why does he want to look decent (I'm assuming you meant that and not a downward ascent) in front of her? Why does he, or should he, care?

Maybe she'll leave if I tell her my name.

Telling her his name is a very obvious invitation that he's okay with her not leaving? If he really wanted her to leave, he could just say so. He never says anything to her about it though, just keeps getting more and more irritated. He reads as the kind of character who has little self-restraint, so I don't understand why he suddenly has so much now, even when he so strongly does not want to be around her/have her around him.


I'm sorry I got very rambly in my review. I'm sure some of my confusion/critiques had to do with not having read previous chapters of the story, but I stand by what I said. Still, I hope to see what you do in the future and where you go with this story!

I hope you have a good day!