Young Writers Society

Hey, Eros!

First of all, your poem is of perfect length, that showed the strong flow of your thoughts. The dictions were great.

I could totally relate to the theme of your poem. I wrote a short story[fantasy] based on this very theme two years ago. The lines were speaking to me. Pretty intense. The message was carried out very well.

The narration was with good flow and kept me hooked the whole time.

Accompanied by a constant pain.

--

It was like a terrifying nightmare,

I felt like a force had pinned me on the bed,

And I had no choice than to bear,

With all that was done to me.

That was deep! It's amazing that words could take one that intense, have expressed it without any exaggeration. I loved when it read, " had no choice but to bear"
I know, right, the gravity has its way in times of pain.

There was darkness in front of my eyes,

Perhaps to give it the feel,

Loved this line. And, yeah, one does get to see according to how one feels. You brought it in a whole different way.

And I felt an urge to sleep in the laps,

Of the one who gifted me a beautiful life.

--

I don't know what to say, these lines moved me. A great message shared btw, Time flies, one should get to make use of their existence. Momenta will be gone but memories stay, we get to decide whether they are good ones to cherish.

With that, the curtains fell down,

My brain blacked out, heart stopped beating well written.

And my soul left my body

As I breathed in, my last breath.

WOW! I watched a dual movie here. This is a unique piece. You have set yourself apart by the way you approached the theme itself. I just loved this one. The imagination, the narration, emotion... were brain-storming. The end left me with pain but got the strong message.
I really enjoyed reading this one. Thanks for the tag. Keep up the amazing writing!!

Hi Eros, Weirdo here with a review for #revmo

Please know that nothing in this review is meant to offend you or your work. This is just my opinion, you and other readers and reviewers could disagree. You also might want to completely ignore this, after all, it's just the opinion of a random person in the middle of somewhere.
That being said, let us get into this review.

The poem is really nice, and I enjoyed reading it. But like any other piece, there is a place for improvement. I have a few nitpicks I'll be pointing out in my review.

Wondering about the past,

I was lying there on the bed,

Lost in the thoughts,

Accompanied by a constant pain.

--

It was like a terrifying nightmare,

I felt like a force had pinned me on the bed,

And I had no choice than to bear,

With all that was done to me.

So the repetition doesn't sound that right, and maybe you could replace one of them with a synonym. In fact, the second on the bed could be replaced by 'down'. I think that would sound better.

Now I was stung with a pain in my heart,

As I heard loud cries inside me;

And then an apparition appeared,

And I was baffled to see it was me, myself.

There a good flow to it, until the word 'myself'. Maybe edit that?

My heart felt a remorse,

For not having done that I should have,

And having done that I shouldn't have,

And the image of my late parents flashed up.

I think both the 'that' can be replaced by what. It just sounds better. Just a suggestion.

That's it for my nitpicks. As I said earlier, I enjoyed reading the poem. I especially like how you ended it with 'And my soul left my body, As I breathed in, my last breath.'

Hope this helps, and feel free to ask me questions

Weirdo out

Hello! Happy Review Month! c:

So first of all, I like the sort of theatre/film theme of this poem. It certainly gave this poem a very "outside looking in" feel about it, and it was just a sort of interesting way of presenting the content.

That were stored in my brain since,

what it seemed forever.

I found that some lines in this poem were a little confusing due to sort of odd wording? "what it seemed forever" is not normally how someone would talk, and although I realize it's an attempt at being poetic, it's good to first make sure sentences are solid and make sense before playing around with them to make them more poetic, if that makes sense? It's just otherwise it can make it so people are stumbling over the lines in a poem because they're worded a little odd.

Of an abandoned cinema theatre,

With nobody, except the poor lonely me.

Another thing I noticed was that sometimes things were a bit wordy in this poem. In poetry, often lines are stronger when they're a lot more direct and to the point- as in, try to find a way to say what you want to say in as little words as possible. This keeps the idea of the poem very crisp and really strengthens the poem and it's meaning! So for instance, if you take out the bolded words in the lines above, and read the lines again, they're a lot more straight-forward and direct- because the words that are bolded, technically aren't necessary. I used to find it hard to wrap my head around this idea, because I used to love descriptive words, and I used to think they were necessary- but most of the time, they aren't! So when you're writing, ask yourself: "are these words really needed? Or is the meaning basically the same without them?" usually, you want the feel of the poem to indicate what the feeling of the poem is. So in a sad poem, you want to avoid saying the word "sad" unless ABSOLUTELY necessary, because the rest of the poem should be conveying that to begin with. And you can use other ways of describing those kinds of things without actually out right saying it.

So I just wanted to mention that wordiness in poetry can really make a poem feel like it's repeating itself as well, and it can make it hard to tell what the meaning of the poem is, or what exactly the author is trying to say. I have to say I found that a bit in this poem as well. I'm not really sure what this poem is about- my guess is it's someone on their death bed? But I don't have a very clear image of what's going on or why they're dying etc etc.

But that's all just my thoughts.

Anyway, keep it up! I hope to see more of your work around with equally intriguing themes!
C:

-Holysocks

Hey there Eros,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.

Nit-Picks

Wondering about the past,
I was lying there on the bed,
Lost in the thoughts,
Accompanied by a constant pain. The last line of this stanza doesn't really seem to flow well with the others. It just kind of cuts off this good momentum that you had going.
--
It was like a terrifying nightmare,
I felt like a force had pinned me on the bed, For this line, I would suggest changing the word 'bed' just for the fact that you had used it in the first stanza and it feels a little repetitive.
And I had no choice thanpersonal style, but I would change 'than' to 'but' to bear,
With all that was done to me.another personal style, I would omit the first word of this line. I feel like it would help the flow of the piece.

Acting like a producer was the force, This line is a little confusing to me. Could you explain it maybe?
Providing resources of events---all those, The three dashes are a little much, one or two would suffice.
That were stored in my brain since,
what it seemed forever.

I saw my own soul weep,
For all the insolence I did,
For beholding myself,
as the great than the greatest.The wording of this last line is a little weird. I would suggest playing around with it.

Alright, so uh good job. That was a pretty interesting poem. I liked the general idea (that is if I did interpret it correctly) however I felt like it was a tad bit ambiguous and like I was missing this bigger picture. The imagery was very straightforward and in my opinion it really took away from the piece. I would have loved to see more descriptive images that could have hinted at what you where saying instead of just coming straight out and saying it.

Take this line for example:

It was like a terrifying nightmare

Ok, so we get that your speaker experiences this nightmare but its so blunt and boring. Use your words to capture that nightmare, terrify us as the readers.

Second thing I wanted to mention was the formatting of the piece. I understand that every writer has their own opinions on how their poems should be written but I just wanted to point out a few things that make me, as a reader, cringe slightly. First part of that is the capitalization of every single line. After a while it just becomes a little jarring. Next part is the us of punctuation at the end of every line (particularly in the beginning of the poem). That also can become pretty jarring and it can really slow down the flow of the piece.
Finally, the extra space between the lines. I don't particularly like them and I feel like they just kind of take away from the visual of the poem.

Other then that I don't really have much else to say. I hope I've helped some. If you have any questions regarding the review please feel free to leave them and I will answer them to the best of my abilities. Good luck and continue writing.